Shoot Them Sartana... They're All Bastards!

I had a few ideas for a blog post for this week, but I got lazy. I thought about doing something about strange and obscure TV shows nobody watches anymore (“Winky Dink and You,” “The Magic Clown,” the 1958 “Night Court,” etc.) but that’d take work and it’s the weekend, so why work? Maybe later.

Then I thought about a post about ideas for TV shows, or a post about TV shows that I just made up that don’t actually exist (such as the game show Let’s Fight With Fists, where your host David Jansen pits housewives against each other in street combat for new Whirlpool appliances), but then I realized that my sense of humor tends to be very weird, vulgar, and scatological, and most people don’t think that stuff is as funny as I do… so, I nixed that.

Anyway, I don’t have time to come up with anything brilliant now that I’m completely addicted to watching cutiemish on YouTube. How can ya not love a British Chinese girl who’s a knockout and unashamedly silly? She's freakin' hilarious, and has a Harvey-Pekar-like gift for making even the most mundane material incredibly funny (hang around 'til the very last second of that one for a punchline that casts a new light on the rest of it - it's genius. To me, anyway). Somebody needs to give this girl her own show.

So, out of a desire to put something up, I remembered a list of Spaghetti Western titles I compiled once and thought that might have some amusement value. One of my favorite things about Spaghetti Westerns are the titles, because the Italians just didn’t give a damn about established parameters, they’d use titles that ignored grammar, and had no concerns for marquee space; some of these titles were almost a paragraph. Plus, they’re almost like little badass poems. Many are hilarious and worth watching just so you can tell your friends “This weekend I watched Trinity and Sartana, Those Dirty Sons of Bitches."

If you’re not familiar with Spaghetti Westerns (i.e. Westerns made in Italy back in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s, such as the Clint Eastwood/Sergio Leone movies you should be well-acquainted with) there are a few things that will quickly become evident as you read the list: they like to play off of the Leone titles, so you’ll see lots of variations on Fistful of Dollars and For A Few Dollars More. Also, the same character names (Django, Trinity, Sartana) tend to show up over and over again. Most of these aren’t sequels; the filmmakers had no qualms about sticking an established character’s name in the title to make you think it was, though, no matter how unrelated the actual film is. Like, Django was a big hit, so damn near half the movies that came afterward got “Django” in the title somewhere. Everybody liked They Call Me Trinity and Trinity is Still My Name, so “Trinity” had to be in loads of titles afterward. It’s shameless.

So, here’s a list (you say long, I say extensive-yet-far-from-complete) of actual titles and retitles (I’ve even seen some of these), and in the comment section you’re encouraged to be funny ’n’ clever and invent some of your own. Once you start thinking in “Spaghetti Western Title” it gets as addictive as haiku or coming up with band names. (note: a few of these aren’t westerns, but they’re other Italian movies with titles so weird or funny I had to throw ‘em in there).

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They Believed He Was No Saint
Too Much Gold for One Gringo
God in Heaven... Arizona on Earth
And the Crows Will Dig Your Grave
My Horse, My Gun, Your Widow
Dig Your Grave Friend... Sabata's Coming
I'll Forgive You, Before I Kill You
Stagecoach of the Condemned
Fat Brothers of Trinity
None of the Three Were Called Trinity
Fabulous Trinity
With Friends, Nothing Is Easy
My Colt, Not Yours
The Reward's Yours... The Man's Mine
Seven Pistols for a Gringo
Twenty Paces to Death
Four Candles for Garringo
Watch Out Gringo! Sabata Will Return
Now They Call Him Amen
If You Meet Sartana Pray for your Death
Man Called Amen
Therefore It Is
They Called Him Amen
His Name Was Sam Walbash, But They Call Him Amen
A Barrel Full of Dollars
Coffin Full of Dollars
Django Always Draws Second
Hero Called Allegria
His Name Was Pot... But They Called Him Allegria
Lobo the Bastard
Sartana If Your Left Arm Offends, Cut It Off
Down with Your Hands... You Scum!
Reach You Bastard
Stranger That Kneels Beside the Shadow of a Corpse
Meet the Sign of the Cross
Sartana and His Shadow of Death
Shadow of Sartana... Shadow of Your Death
Four Came to Kill Sartana
Sartana, the Invincible Gunman
Raise Your Hands, Dead Man, You're Under Arrest
I Hate My Body
Two Thousand Dollars for Coyote
Sartana Kills Them All
Ringo and Gringo Against All
Ringo, It's Massacre Time
Ruthless Colt of the Gringo
Five Dollars for Ringo
3 Bullets for Ringo
Three Graves for a Winchester
Clint the Stranger
Clint, the Lonely Nevadan
Clint, the Nevada's Loner
Let's Go and Kill Sartana
Gunman Called Nebraska
Trinity and Sartana Are Coming
The Return of Clint the Stranger
There's a Noose Waiting for You... Trinity!
Between God, The Devil, and A Winchester
Find a Place to Die
Alive or Preferably Dead
Sundance Cassidy and Butch the Kid
God Was in the West, Too, at One Time
A Special Cop in Action
Magnificent Brutes of the West
Bullets and the Flesh
Two R-R-Ringos from Texas
Trinity and Sartana Sons of Bitches...
Trinity and Sartana... Those Dirty Sons o' Bitches
Halleluja and Sartana Strike Again
Alleluja & Sartana Are Sons... Sons of God
Sartana in the Valley of the Vultures
Reverend's Colt
And Now... Make Your Peace with God
Fistful of Death
Strange Tale of Minnesota Stinky
Showdown for a Badman
A.A.A. Masseuse, Good-Looking, Offers Her Services
Ringo, Pray to Your God and Die
Suppose... I Break Your Neck
They Still Call Me Amen
For One Hundred Thousand Dollars for a Killing
10,000 Dollars Blood Money
Ten Thousand Dollars for a Massacre
Cowards Don't Pay
I Am Sartana Your Angel of Death
I'll Dig Your Grave
Sartana the Gravedigger
Arizona Lets Fly and Kills Everybody
If You Gotta Shoot Someone... Bang! Bang!
Cloud of Dust... Cry of Death... Sartana Is Coming
Gunman in Town
Light the Fuse... Sartana Is Coming
Run, Man, Run... Sartana's in Town
Bulldozer Is Back Amigo
It Can Be Done Amigo
Saddle Tramps
The Big and the Bad
The Artist Is a Gunfighter
A Genius, Two Friends, and an Idiot
A Genius, Two Partners and a Dupe
Nobody's the Greatest
My name Is Nobody
His Pistols Smoked... They Call Him Cemetery
In the West There Was a Man Named Invincible
They Called Him the Player with the Dead
Tricky Dicky
The West Is Tough, Amigo... Alleluja's Here
The West Is Very Close, Amigo
Heads I Kill You, Tails You're Dead! They Call Me Hallalujah
Heads You Die... Tails I Kill You
They Call Me Hallelujah
Forewarned, Half-Killed... the Word of the Holy Ghost
His Name Was Holy Ghost
They Call Him Holy Ghost
I Am Sartana, Trade Your Guns for a Coffin
Sartana's Coming, Get Your Coffins Ready
Sartana's Here... Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin
A Present for You, Amigo... A Coffin from Sartana
Have a Good Funeral, My Friend... Sartana Will Pay
Two Idiots at Fort Alamo
Your God My Hell
Your Heaven, My Hell
Sartana Kills Them All
Awkward Hands
Clumsy Hands
When Satan Grips the Colt
Dead Are Countless
One Against One... No Mercy
Two Brothers, One Death
Sharp-Shooting Twin Sisters
Two Guns for Two Twins
Woman for Ringo
Terrible Sheriff
Two Against All
The Cynic, the Rat & the Fist
Free Hand for a Tough Cop
A Gun for One Hundred Graves
Pistol for a Hundred Coffins
Kill Django... Kill First
The Hand That Feeds the Dead
...And Give Us Our Daily Sex
Crucified Girls of San Ramon
Terrible Day of the Big Gundown
Bastard, Go and Kill
Django the Bastard
Stranger's Gundown
Hanging for Django
No Room to Die
Noose for Django
No Graves on Boot Hill
Three Crosses Not to Die
Three Crosses of Death
"Django, Kill... If You Live, Shoot!"
"Django, Prepare a Coffin"
Django Sees Red
Viva Django
Django Shoots First
Django the Last Gunfighter
Django Last Killer
Django and Sartana... Showdown in the West
Django and Sartana Are Coming... It's the End
Final Conflict... Django Against Sartana
Django Kills Softly
Django Challenges Sartana
Django Defies Sartana
"Don't Wait, Django... Shoot!"
Some Dollars for Django
Few Dollars for Django
One Damned Day at Dawn... Django Meets Sartana!
Even Django Has His Price
Django, a Bullet for You
Django the Condemned
Django the Honorable Killer
Django Does Not Forgive
Django Always Draws Second
Nude Django
God Forgives... I Don't!
Today It's Me, Tomorrow... You!
Run, Run, Joe!
Four Gunmen of Ave Maria
Cry, Onion!
Burnt by a Scalding Passion
Duck, You Sucker
A Dollar Between the Teeth
Shoot First, Laugh Last
Hate Is My God
I Am an ESP
I'm a Paranormal Phenomenon
I Know That You Know That I Know
Wild Beasts with Machine Guns
John the Bastard
Be Sick... It's Free
Who’s Afraid of Zorro?
Seven Hours of Gunfire
All the Brothers of the West Support Their Father
Kill Them All And Come Back Alone
And God Said To Cain
And Then A Time For Killing
And They Smelled The Strange, Exciting, Dangerous Scent of Dollars
An Angel With A Gun Is A Devil
Colt in the Hand of the Devil
Any Gun Can Play
Go Kill and Come Back
Man Called Apocalypse Joe
Bad Kids of the West
Bastard, Go And Kill
Amigo, Stay Away
Humpty Dumpty Gang
Big Ripoff
The Dirty Outlaws
Gringos Do Not Forgive
Blindman
Blood For A Silver Dollar
One Thousand Dollars on the Black
Buddy Goes West
Those Desperate Men Who Smell of Dirt and Death
Bullet From God
Carambola’s Philosophy: In The Right Pocket
Chrysanthemums For A Bunch of Swine
Ciccio Forgives, I Don’t
A Town Called Bastard
Colt 45, Five Dollars, and a Bandit
Damned Pistols of Dallas
Dead Men Ride
Deaf Smith and Johnny Ears
Death Is Sweet From The Soldier of God
Death Played The Flute
Dick Luft in Sacramento
Not Sabata or Trinity… It’s Sartana
First They Pardon, Then They Kill
Do Not Touch The White Woman
Don’t Turn The Other Cheek
Drummer of Vengeance
Durango Is Coming, Pay or Die
Fasthand is Still My Name
Fighting Fists of Shanghai Joe
For A Few Dollars Less
For A Fist in the Eye
A Girl Is A Gun
Go Away! Trinity Has Arrived In Eldorado
God Does Not Pay on Saturday
God Made Them… I Kill Them
God Will Forgive My Pistol
God Is My Colt .45
Gunman of One Hundred Crosses
Hundred Fists and A Prayer
The Handsome, The Ugly, and the Stupid
Hate Thy Neighbor
Here We Go Again, Eh, Providence?
Hey Amigo! A Toast To Your Death!
His Colt, Himself, His Revenge
Hole In the Forehead
I Came, I Saw, I Shot
I Do Not Forgive… I Kill!
I Want Him Dead
I Protect Myself Against My Enemies
If One Is Born A Swine… Kill Him
Turn… I’ll Kill You
If You Shoot… You Live!
I’ll Sell My Skin Dearly
In A Colt’s Shadow
Kung Fu Brothers in the Wild West
Lemonade Joe
Macho Killers
A Minute To Pray, A Second To Die
On The Third Day Arrived the Crow
Patience Has A Limit, We Don’t
Piluk, The Timid One
Pistol-Packin’ Preacher
Porno-Erotic Western
Shadow of Sartana… Shadow of Your Death
Shoot, Joe… And Shoot Again
They Call Him Veritas
Thirteenth Is A Judas
Trinity Plus The Clown and a Guitar
Trusting Is Good… Shooting Is Better
Up The MacGregors!
Vengeance Is A Dish Served Cold
What Am I Doing In The Middle of the Revolution?
Why Kill Again?