I'm not hung up on follower counts -- if you've got a half-dozen people who really like your stuff, then that's all it really takes to make it feel like it's worth doing, so just racking up numbers for the sake of numbers isn't what it's about. Buying followers is a crazy concept to me, and those follow-back games where you follow people you don't really like just 'cuz you think they'll return the favor? That's nuts. It's not worth reading through stuff you don't like just to have a bigger number. That said, I like a whole lot of people I don't follow -- my timeline already looks (to steal a line from Sharouzt) kinda like the Matrix. So, follow people who entertain you. And recommend 'em even if they don't follow you back. There's a lot of people on this list who don't follow me. They're still funny!
So, follower-count games are goofy. But, playing to an empty room can be kind of a bummer, too. And missing out on some people you might really like sucks, too, so Follow Friday does have a good purpose, as disorganized and vexing as it can be.
But I'd been doing so much of it that it almost turned into just giving shout-outs or something, and that's not my goal -- I'm actually wanting get people I like following each other, and help people find an audience. Nothing's cooler than watching somebody who's been cracking you up since they only had about 20 followers go up into the hundreds or thousands. So, I've come up with this post as a possibly more-effective means of suggesting people. I can say more about 'em than just listing their name, tell you why I like 'em and why I think you would, and give you a few examples of their style. If those make you laugh, click the link - I bet you'll find more.
It's a work in progress, so if I follow you and you're not on here, don't feel bad - I'll likely get around to you as I revise it; I'm planning to add a helluva lot more people to this thing. I haven't even gotten some of my favorite people on it yet. I'll probably change my entries for people around a little, too, add more examples and links to other non-Twitter gigs ya'll got goin' (I don't only want to promote your Twitter feed if you've got other worthy stuff out there) and shuffle the order around... this is very rough-drafty, just to get something up as a place-marker. And hopefully it'll get better as I work on it. It's not easy finding different ways to say "this person's funny," y'know. So, bear with me on this as I get it rolling. It's gonna take a while, and it'll never be "finished." It's not meant to be...
By the way, just in case ya didn't notice, all their names are links right to their timeline, so that'll take you right to them so you can read up on 'em and decided to follow. Or, if you're not signed up for Twitter, you can still go there and read - it's not like Facebook, you don't have to be a member to read it. If you don't like what you see, give 'em another try at some other time - we can all get an off day, and one reason this post is permanent is so you can keep referring to it.
Oh, and as a bonus... on the people I've been following for a while, I dug up some of their old stuff that's faded from Favstar and was probably around before you were. I cut'n'paste my timeline into a Word file, including the stuff I RT'ed, so I can control-F and find all kindsa good stuff.
And, YEAH, IT'S LONG! Visit frequently and feel free to skip around. You don't have to go in order, and this isn't a thing you're supposed to do in just one visit. Scroll up 'n' down, stop at random, and click on what intrigues you. Visit it again later, and do it some more. I'll vouch for anything on here as being worth your time, and the list isn't in any particular order - I'm just trying to fit a lot of people in.
I'm noticing a lot of these people aren't on Twitter now... but, I'm going to leave their names up as a tribute. And one thing I've noticed about Twitter is that people ret-con more often than Marvel superheroes... just because they're "dead" at the moment doesn't mean they won't be back in a month or two. Also, some people change their names - if you're on this list and changed something so the link doesn't work anymore, please let me know on Twitter so I can fix it next time I do an update -- I want this list to help you get followers, so it'll help if people can find ya!
So, here's some of the people you should be following on Twitter:
me - Seriously. If you're not following me, you're pretty much fucked. Ask anyone who follows me, they'll tell you. Don't ask anyone who doesn't follow me, though, because why would you seek the advice of someone who's pretty much fucked? See? Logic! You can't even deal with it! So just give in!
Way too many OLD examples just so I can shamelessly resurrect some of my old stuff that only 'bout 20 people saw:
Example: I like to think I make up the outlandish lies that William Faulkner would've made up if he hadn't been gnawed to death by a radioactive cow.
Example: Just saw this guy from high school. His name's Larry, but anybody who's been in a swimming pool with him ends up calling him Burt.
Example: If I ever get reincarnated as an animal I hope it's someting like an alpaca or a tapir because I don't want everybody knowing my business.
Example: Never start the name of a food with "ass" if you want people to like it. Learn from the mistakes of asparagus and ass-twinkies.
Example: If they ever legalize meth, I want in on the marketing, because I can draw some crazy-lookin' goblins.
Example: Funny how nothing is ever described as "hot Presbyterian action."
Example: Jesus is a nice guy and all, but I don't wanna hang around with him.
Example: Couldn't break it to my cousin that her son got killed, so I asked, "Have ya'll thought about what you'll do with Jeffrey's college fund?"
Example: Not sure what kind of vehicle a Ferris is, but judging from their wheels they can tell monster trucks to suck it.
johnwardbrocato - Known aliases: this blog's own beloved Kickerofelves. A great guy in real life and as good a Twitter-neighbor as you'd ever want. Funny, killer-smart, interactive, heavy on the anti-Republican politics. If I only followed five people he'd be one of 'em. One of the best hashtag-game playmates you could ever want. And a helluva musician: go to CDBaby and buy these NOW: Skeleton Crew - And We'lll See All of History Again and Persians - A Thing Like Any Other I vouch for both of those CDs wholeheartedly and it's not just because I know the guy - that's some seriously great music. I got my nose broken in the pit during "Bowhead" more times than I can remember... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GREAT THOSE TWO BANDS ARE? Fuck! I put 'em on my Itunes while I was typing stuff up here and it's hitting me all over again like a hammer. If you don't click those links and buy that stuff, seriously, you are screwing yourself out of two of your life's greatest albums. I'm not exaggerating.
Example: If any ladies in the tri-county area find themselves w/o makeup today, I just saw every bit of it on a female reporter at this track meet.
Example: I know there's a guy somewhere who dislikes Twitter & calls it "Shitter," & he's also the type of guy who tells everyone that over & over.
Example: Saw a guy in Ray-Bans, white dress shirt, bowtie, khaki shorts, loafers, & no socks. And thus was born the word "doucheplosion."
Example: COP: "Put down your weapon!"
CROOK: "When hell freezes over!"
COP: "Bundle up."
– some dumb thing I just thought up
Example: Small, dark-haired man + military uniform + pomade + weird mustache + red nose = Rudolf Hitler
Example: Has anyone compiled a video of all the Wilhelm Screams in every movie ever made? Because that would just be horrible to sit through.
AminaMarx (or, as she's now known, MinasaurusRe ,and sometimes JesterXero, 'cuz of some gaming stuff she does... but she's always gonna be Amina to me)- All-around cool and an essential follow. Smart, funny, with a unique, quirky style, and always fun to interact with. And being a knockout doesn't hurt. Amina's like a TV horror hostess taking you on a trip through a carnival funhouse with most of the lights out. You'll laugh, you'll scream! She claims to have no taste, but she seems to be a good barometer for my stuff, because whenever she stars one of my tweets it does well. She's one of those people whose stuff is so good that I'm tempted to re-tweet damn near everything she does, so it'd be more efficient if you just followed her yourself. And again, if I only followed five people, she'd also be one of 'em. And DO NOT MISS her movie reviews - they're easily some of the most-genius stuff on YouTube these days. And check out her website, aminamarx.com, because you WILL be wanting as much Amina as possible. And her empire keeps growing - be sure to check out the group she does movie-chats with: The M Cluster.
My fave Amina tweet (amazingly not on her Favstar list - that's a failing on the part of you guys): "This Magic 8-Ball is stupid. I keep shaking it and all it does is meow and that doesn't answer my question AT ALL."
Another example: No that is not a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle, that's my Oscar for Best Pancakes. Fuck you, I'm an artist.
Example: If I could pick two things to bring with me to a desert island, I think I'd pick two clones of me. Then I'd make them kiss.
Example: You wake up bound and gagged. In the dark, you hear your captor. "Three! Three minutes to live! AH AH AH!" Welcome to Sesame Street.
Example: Tomahto? Who the hell says tomahto? Get the fuck out.
Example: THANK GOD i learned square-dancing in elementary school in case some surly thug challenges me to a hoedown
OnceUponALiz - Hang out on her timeline a while and you're gonna want a subscription to it, for sure. Funny with brains and personality behind it, and a very genuine person. A cute, silly, cool chick and top-notch Twitter-buddy, there's no freakin' way you won't love Liz, because I'll punch you in the tater if you don't.
Example: If you walk in and the room goes quiet and me and my stuffed animals turn to stare at you, we were talking about the weight you've gained.
Example: Now taking volunteers for positions including Man With Elaborate Asian Fan, Dropper Of Grapes Into My Mouth and Constantly In Puppy Costume.
Example: All Office draft e-mail: If you take a smelly dump then spray orange air freshener, this whole place will reek like poop and Creamsicles.
Example: Where do you all go when I blink?
Example: Someone opened all the packets of Starburst and left AN ENTIRE BOWL FULL OF JUST YELLOW ONES. The Rapture's coming, and I'm bringing it!
DiscountZen - more good, crazy stuff, and fun to play with. Brilliantly twisted, and very distinctive - I think I could tell her stuff just on style, even if I didn't see her name next to it. Queen of hashtags! She will, she will, shock you! Absolutely fearless, wonderfully depraved, and sometimes so funny it's phenomenal. One of my faves; if I don't see any of her stuff in my timeline I always look her up to make sure I didn't miss anything. Absolute awesomeness, one of my top 10.
Example: And out of the grey mist of my eternal loneliness, a figure emerges. It is my neighbor, Steve. He makes me uncomfortable, even in the mist.
Example: I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.
Example: Some girlies look like tousled angels in the morning. I look like Satan's sister, Muriel Stevens. (Satan's last name is Stevens).
Example: Yo where the FUCK is my manservant? He better be wearing that little hat I bought him or oooooooo there'll be trouble!
Example: I am covered in caramel sauce wearing goggles, a nursing bra and hiking boots. This means that I am probably having an awesome time.
Iscoff - Twisted, clever, inventive silliness that's addictive and not quite like anything else on Twitter. A cornerstone of any good timeline, and a good Twitter-neighbor, too. Even his goofiest stuff has some powerful intelligence behind it.
Example: "Ewwwwwwww! T...M...I!" he yelled, plugging his ears and making me consider finding a new doctor
Example: Tiger, tiger, burning bright/ I'm getting fired from this zookeeper job aren't I
Example: Walk around a cemetery and collect all the flowers and wreaths from the other graves and put them on your favourite grave
Example: Oh, the banging noise? That's just crazy Uncle Kenny. We bricked him up in the wall a few days past. He'll tire out soon.
Example: "Let them fuck cake" — really weird Marie Antoinette
Example: Figures YOU'D tweet about subtweeting
TheHornyPony - Hilarious 'n' clever stuff that often makes me jealous 'cuz I wish I'd thought of it. Heckuva good guy, too. If you aren't following him, you're probably funny-lookin' and smell weird.
Example: Sighing loudly for attention is like farting for love.
Example: I like my women like my coffee: hot, smart, fun in bed, nice boobs and ass and able to explain to me how to use metaphor and simile.
Example: According to the elephant that was the Flintstone's shower, Wilma had some trunk in her junk.
Example: Fat lady in yoga pants, your crotch looks like a muppet's mouth.
Example: If I ever kill anyone it was because of that noise their flip flops make when they unstick from their heels and then slap back against them.
Peachgrenade - I was lucky to notice this guy (these guys, actually - it's a team effort) late one night when johnwardbrocato and I started playing hashtag games with him. I remember #fatbands was the topic, and Peachgrenade tossed out "OREOSpeedwagon," and I was like, goddamn, this is a keeper! Never regretted it since; one of my faves for many reasons. A human highlight reel and one of the most solid people on Twitter, you follow him or I make faces at you and possibly hurl balloons filled with urine.
Example: In school Jesus would chew gum just so the teacher would ask him if he had enough for everyone.
Example: What's got two thumbs and lost control of his car? This SSSSHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Example: I've been trying to find out who my biological parents are ever since they dropped me off on an orphanage doorstep when I was 26.
Example: Feeling good about the first day of my diet. So far I've only eaten an apple and seven Lean Cuisines.
TheJamieTighe - One of my faves. He disappeared for a while, now he's back, and damn if he doesn't seem even funnier!
Example: I smiled at someone today and we ended up having a long conversation. So yeah, never doing that again.
Example: "No" - Canadian swearing
Example: They're called rhinos because "fat unicorns" was deemed insensitive.
Example: Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Example: It took 3 hours, some flash cards and a rather graphic puppet show but I have finally taught Foreigner what love is.
Nerdsnwhey - A way-cool guy who's always funny. Comes up with some really inventive twists, always delivers... even when he second-guesses himself (I think he's got the record for deleting stuff before I can star it!). So essential he's practically a default-setting. For a larger dose, read the screenplay he wrote.
Example: The fewer sheep a shepherd has, the creepier he looks.
Example: Susan's dad is coming over. He's a plumber, so I was careful to leave out lots of platforms and small animals for him to jump on.
Example: If a tree fell in the forest, and you heard it, it's 'cause Tina was too big for the rope swing.
Example: My greatest achievement is when I took my pants off and heard, from a TV showing Jaws in the other room, "we're gonna need a bigger boat."
tr4shc4lidnips - Consistently cracks me up, on a wide variety of levels. Never any mundane material. Good guy, too.
Example: "Hey ex-girlfriends - I just ate like 80 pizza rolls and watched American Ninja 4 in my underwear, so you may want to get tested for awesome."
Example: Been MIA for a while, but who needs twitter when an alcoholic sandwich making violent anal Nickelback sex midget moved in next door!
Example: If you're going to wipe your boogers all over the wall in front of the urinal at work, have the decency to make it in the shape of boobs.
Example: Obviously what you guys think is funny and what airport security thinks is funny are two completely different things...
B9Tumor - Yay, he's back! One of the ace funny dudes on Twitter, and a great Twitter neighbor, too. You definitely oughtta be following this guy.
Example: My 5-year-old son is going to be a ninja for Halloween. The world's loudest and clumsiest ninja.
Example: I'm really good at giving my wife fake orgasms.
Example: My family's entertainment budget is tight, so we spend Saturdays at the speed hump down the street watching speeders lose their mufflers.
000___000 - Wide-open flow of angsty genius. Varies between high intellect and high levels of absurdity, with realness giving it an edge. Works on rapid-fire and still always surprises.
Example: BREAKING: 3 Dead in Routine Evening at Nursing Home
Example: Hello. My name is Airwolf and I have an important message to all the kids out there who think they can be Airwolves someday. No. You can't.
Example: Any Christmas Tree that costs more than an ax is a ripoff.
Example: Give a dog a pancake and you've got a dog friend for whatever other times you also have pancakes.
Example: What is this "fun" you speak of? Is it horribly painful & utterly intolerable & infinitely terrifying like all other things in the universe?
T_J_Martin - excellent Twitter-neighbor and down-ass bro with inventive stuff and a good instinct for funny.
Example: "Find a penny, pick it up & all day you'll have good luck. Find 2 pennies & you'll have to worry about jingling in front of a homeless guy."
Example: Nothing like a shared laugh and a high five after your son trips and falls to remind you why you fell in love with your wife years ago.
Example: Pressure dropped in the shower and hot water burned the shit out of me because everyone knows Skynet will start with lawn sprinklers.
Example: Guys, just know that if you tweet like you think you're Tucker Max I'll be hearing Larry from 'Three's Company' in my head.
RonnieWK - When I first got into Twitter, Ronnie was the first person I was bugging non-Twitterites with in e-mail, linking to her and pasting in her tweets as "you GOTTA read this!" stuff. Shock-comedy doesn't get any better; one of those whose every Tweet is an event - it's like, "Yay, a new RonnieWK just showed up!" I just hope she's exaggerating about her lifestyle a lil' 'cuz I want anybody this funny to take care of herself and be around for a long damn time. She's also freakin' gorgeous, if that's a factor for you, and she's always been cool in my brief interactions with her - not everybody with that high a follower count'll find time for ya. Besides Twitter, you need to check out her one-of-a-kind crazy Tumbler accounts: RADMOBILE (you can get lost in that for days and never get bored) and Ronnie's Playhouse.
Example: Girls don't "shit", we radiate pink velveteen sphincter stars as the moon weeps honey tears into a glittery pool of 80's power ballads.
Example: If you're shitting in a public restroom, don't wait for everyone to leave before you emerge from the stall. Some of us want to meet you!
Example: Some asshole is chewing with his mouth open & it sounds like an army of vaginas marching through mud.
Example: Just tried to crop dust 3 old ladies & ended up fertilizing myself.
Shahrouzt - Always solidly funny, and always a helluva nice guy and a great Twitter buddy and sincere dude. Your timeline's missing something crucial if you don't follow him. And he's got a cousin named Cheezeburg you're also gonna need...
Example: Fun thing I do on the train: hold an arm out longingly towards someone random with tears in my eyes as we pull away from each station.
Example: My goal today at my new job is to fight the biggest guy I see. Wait, is that prison or new job? New job right?
Example: "Let's rock and Grohl!" -- what I imagine Dave Grohl says before every show he's ever done.
Example: Been getting a lot of dirty looks at the airport today. Just because I'm Middle Eastern? Sigh. Guess I shouldn't have worn my TNT vest.
Example: Every time I see toy helicopters flying around at mall kiosks I imagine a tiny A-Team jumping out. And then the adventure begins.
Example: I had a dream where I was being chastised for my height and I woke up feeling terrible until I remembered I'm over 6' and haha short people.
Example: So this is what it feels like to be happy. Huh. I don't like it.
Example: I hate it when I think I know the meaning of a word but I'm really just igneous of its true meningitis.
Cheezeburg - Wacky-larious! How can anyone so cute be so depraved!? But also sweet-natured when you get to know her. If you don't like her, don't let me find out about it. Cherish this.
Example: Our mothers gave us false expectations by giving us free titty access as babies. WHERE'S OUR FREE TITTY NOW, HUH MOM?
Example: We all just want to be heard, respected, taken seriously and from behind.
Example: Whenever someone says "fap fap fap", it sounds like they're calling me "fat fat fat". Either way I'm turned on & masturbating on their face.
Example: Do you ever feel like your life's a movie? Well, that's very arrogant of you.
Example: Taking pictures in a photo booth is so much more fun when you're wearing a funny hat and alone and naked and crying.
Example: Does anyone else like to point in a mirror & softly cry "YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THIS, FATTY" while waiting for the ice cream to melt a little?
OuterJohn - Another essential one. A good guy who does Twitter right, and comes up with some AMAZING material. Even when I'm in a hurry, I always slam on the brakes on my mouse when I see one of his tweets scrolling through my timeline. Nothing but highlight-reel stuff, there's no way you won't love it.
Example: The only thing more depressing than being stoned to death is when the villagers decorate their rocks with streamers and googly-eyes.
Example: You say "handicap accessible," I hear "shopping cart I ride like a gondola using a long pole accessible."
Example: I just saw a Mexican Ghostbuster chasing a ghost who looked EXACTLY like a pile of leaves!
Example: Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack
Example: It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.
Example: Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.
eeetard - Always funny, sometimes horrifying, but don't worry - no matter how dark and depraved the humor gets, I know this guy in person and he's really not like that, so, don't feel bad for laughin'. Well... okay, maybe just a little. A must, for you and your grandma!
Example: Michele Bachmann's husband announced that he's shaving his beard. Guess ol' Michele's gonna be bald the next time we see her...
Example: Wait! Don't throw that out! I'm hanging on to it for detrimental value...
Example: Is it THAT cold-blooded to send Robin Williams bricks of cocaine if I already bought tix to his show? I just want him to be funny again...
rbrown498 - Funny, lovably-oddball stuff. I was happy when this guy got more active on Twitter, 'cuz I know him in person and he's always smart and silly. An all-around good guy who'll be an asset to your timeline in every way.
Example: Ladies who live in Camptown aren't much for remembering lyrics.
Example:It's official (and I have the exhumation results to prove it): Karen Carpenter has finally reached her ideal weight.
Example: Satan's greatest trick was to convince us that he doesn't exist. His 2nd-best trick is the one with the milk and the rolled-up newspaper.
SoFuckingMature - The Daria picture is appropriate - she's got the same kind of acerbic wit, backed with lotsa smarts and an anti-social bent that I particularly like. Fans of that should be fans of this.
Example: Twitter, where the freaks, weirdos and anti-socials are popular. Take your cheerleading ass back to Facebook.
Example: I want you to remember that someone out there cares. Not me, but someone.
Example: Do not question my acting skills. I was a swaying leaf in a school play once. I didn't even audition. They just saw me and said, she has it.
Example: Bitch slaps are just high fives that you didn't see coming. Fucking stop crying.
losephine - Quirkiness abounds! Has a distinct style that works, kinda-weird-Twitter, but funny!
Example: Look if you have one reggae album you pretty much have them all I think.
Example: The waffle maker on my smart phone is broken this morning. Stupid future.
Example: ME. Im going to eat my lunch on this bench and then u can have it back. SQUIRREL. Bitch. Im going to find ur house and act crazy on ur fence
Example: Nice, you have a cat. That must mean you keep a box of shit somewhere too.
Killerdolce - ah, man, Killerdolce... you're getting everything here. Wisdom, humor, depth, the works. Jokes, definitely, but they usually have something to say about relationships, society, etc. Beautiful stuff. You'll get a lot out of this one. I'm always impressed.
Fave Killerdolce tweet: "The most ironic American hero is undoubtedly Rosa Parks who sat down for what she stood for."
Example: With the room now empty, Mona Lisa could drop her tranquil smile and laugh out loud at all these dull men shaking their heads in admiration.
TheHouseofJas (formerly CasaDeJas) - Surprises galore - you never know what you're gonna get! She's got no pretenses and no bullshit, so you might get jokes one day, and another day a blessing-out for not recycling enough. Don't go into this expecting another joke machine, because while she's definitely funny as hell when she wants to be, she's not locked into that. Follow her 'cuz she's an interesting and talented person, and even though she's cussing us out about half the time, she's actually pretty sweet if you get to know her a little. For you if you like intelligence, atheism, art, and hard-edged music. And (say it with me now), being gorgeous doesn't hurt.
Also check out her artwork, which is incredible.
Example: i can't wait to meet none of you!
Example: the sound of pizza dough being slapped against a work surface. can you picture it? good. now you're ready to hear me take my bra off.
Example: why did the hipster cross the road?...to make sure they get there before everyone else.
Karentozzi - Oh, man, this one's unique, bizarre, and way-funny. Most tweets are in the form of reports from verrrrry strange visits she gets from D-list celebrities, and their absurd behavior. She's like the Pee Wee's Playhouse of Twitter, and has a gift for putting weird, brightly-colored pictures in your head. If I took drugs, I'd be scared to read this. But then, since I follow her, I don't need drugs! If this is at all a righteous world that rewards the talented and original, this one's gonna be HUGE in no time. Get in on it early so you can say you were there.
Example: You've got to try Yankee Candle's new line of delicious-smelling shampoos! I just bought "Grampa's Pipe Tobacco" and "Snatch." Instant fan!
Example: Remember when I told you kids that if you're feeling lonely fart into a cup and run it over to your neighbors house? I meant bake cookies.
Example: Got kicked out of Whole Foods because I allegedly "got nude" and "rolled around" on their display of "fine cheeses."
Example: Stevie Nicks is here to cook breakfast. Its a nice gesture, but a real turnoff when she twirls and her scarves fling dust into the pancakes.
Annazipper - Wheee! You will laugh your ass off and never know exactly what breaker she tripped over in ya to make you do it. Surreal little bits of stuff apparently just pulled out of the air that almost work on a subliminal level. I mean, I don't know why this is funny, but damn if it didn't put an image in my head that had me trying not to crack up for like ten minutes: "If you listen really closely at night you can hear my uncle shuffling through the forest searching for wild pumpkin patches." Gets funnier the deeper into the vibe you get. Worth studying! If you don't get what she's doing, you're probably not much fun to hang out with. Genius!
Example - You get Werner Herzog in a room with a bag of Chex Mix, you're gonna have a ball!
Example: Holy shoeshiner! Done just got pranked by a Southern Baptist preacher! He put one of those joke fly ice cubes in my herbal tea.
Example: At any given moment you can find Billy Crystal and Robin Williams taking a bath together, playing with action figures.
Example: I would love to meet Dane Cook's ghost, because that would mean he is dead.
Example: I have like at least FOUR pairs of scissors, so I'm doing pretty well for myself.
Example: My homemade snail trap is a success! I'll be eating fancy in no time.
JayUhOh - My timeline's been a lot better since I got this guy on it, and so will yours. Always funny, always a good guy. Hits it every time, like bam, bam, bam!
Example: You say po-tay-to, I say po-tay-to also, bro. We should go salmon fishing sometime, see where this thing goes. You have strong hands.
Example: "It was Lucy, in the sky...with diamonds!" - Clue® Beatles Edition
Example: Do you have neighbors? Do you have extension cords? Are you paying too much for electricity?
IAmEnidColeslaw - Every once in a while, somebody really unique comes along. She's one of 'em. Bucketfuls of horrifying hilarity, in the form of peeks into a very strange life full of taxidermy classes and tampons. And celebrity-sniping that even puts JennyJohnsonHi5 on notice (and I LOVE JennyJohnson). Every time Mary Charlene writes to Kim Kardashian, all the happiness-gremlins in my tummy join hands and ringafuckinrosie. Very creative stuff you should not miss.
Example: "Carved the COOLEST helmet out of a watermelon but everyone made me throw it away because of the horse flies & seagulls."
Example: Don't ever trust girls. They will say anything to get you to suck their tits.
Example: Do I want to hear your new year's resolution? I'd rather listen to two deaf people fucking on a leather couch.
TequilaTears - drunk-tweeting as an art form. I hope this is at least partially a character he's doing, because otherwise his liver's gonna melt out his butt one of these days! I'm militantly straightedge and I still think this guy's great. Nobody can throw down an evocative image like Mr. Mozzarella! If you don't follow this guy, you're missing the party.
Example: The fact there isn't a super hero in my town called the human bee really pisses me off. That jumps out of trees with a knife in his ass .
Example: When someone is taking too long and I'm on line I ALWAYS think to myself "is this where I want my Americas Most Wanted debut to begin"
Example: Just saw a baby on the bus that looked like 25 pounds of dried up pancake batter in overalls.
FilthyRichmond - tweets from the perspective of a white-trash working mom... who has the maternal instincts of a jackal! It can't be easy coming up with consistently great material geared to a certain persona, but I'll be goddamned if Filthy doesn't knock 'em out of the park every time.
All time favorite FilthyRichmond tweet (try to shake THIS image out of your head): "You can safely delay a man's orgasm by having me leap out of your closet with my uterus hanging out."
Example: Just stepped in dog poop on the carpet with my bare foot. Where's MY Sarah McLachlan song?
Example: Make your diarrhea come alive with these festive holiday stencils!
Example: I didn't know I was pregnant until the toilet overflowed.
fightforfood - Definitely not for the timid, this is dark stuff, but often hilarious, and tempered a bit by the fact that you get glimpses of a nice guy in there once in a while. Another one I hope is exaggerating just a little, 'cuz I want him around a long time.
Example: I'm not above giving a baby a Warhead for my own entertainment.
Example: My mom said I have to move out because I'm "too old" and "don't have a job" and "she's not my mom" and "why the fuck are you in our house?"
Example: Made a voodoo doll of myself and sucked its dick. Now we wait.
Example: You guys like to call me twitter famous, but I'm just a regular person like you. A regular person with a 14" dick and talking bear sidekick.
Example: Picture this: an iguana doing a kickflip. Now picture this: your grandparents 69ing. Jesus christ you're weird
Example: "Ready or not, here I come." --Innocent game of hide and seek/Me, disappointing my girlfriend
Example: I have to braid my mullet and sling it over the front of my shoulder so it doesn't cover up the dragon embroidered on my jean jacket
supersededman - Cerebral and strange and very funny, with a twist of absurdity. Good fella.
Example: "trouble sleeping last night because I'm pretty sure I threw out a bag of skittles that still had a few stuck to the bottom of the package"
Example: look forward to watching the european union fail from my plastic recliner with a hot dog in one hand and a malnourished ferret in the other
Example: if you put lindsay lohan in your rehab time machine and judy garland comes out it is hard to argue with the results
MarkLeggett - I don't know how this guy turns out such A-list material in such volume. Truly amazing. Stop anywhere on his timeline and you'll find something you wish you'd thought up.
Example: I've translated some "whale song", and basically they're just talking shit about each other.
Example: I'm searching for a dub-step song but I can't remember the name. It goes "Wompf wompf wompf wompf wompf wompf" for around 8 mins. Anyone?
Example: None of you are in my prayers, but all of you are in my fantasy football team so try not to fuck this up for me.
DonSchanke – you can always count on this guy to deliver funny, raw, clever stuff. Another one I frequently re-check to make sure I didn’t miss something
Example: For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids
Example: This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.
Example: I save money by waiting until I get to work to wipe.
Example: At the start of packing to move, boxes have nice labels like "kitchen ware" or "stereo", by the end they all say "more random shit."
Bombscribe: Lovable & quirky! I’m always happy to see that Kool-Aid Man show up in my timeline. Way underfollowed. Countin' on ya'll to do somethin' about that.
Example: "You are so beautiful ... *to me."
*ONLY to ME because you have large, disproportionate nipples and your nose whistles.
Example: Unless the girl scouts plan on getting my ass out of bed to run every AM, they need to get the hell away from my office with their shit.
Example: Guess it's time to buy that special Easter outfit. Even though I don't celebrate Easter or wear clothes.
SonOfCha - heavy-hitter with lots of funny stuff and a unique style, consistently good. Definitely check him out.
Example: Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Example: If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.
Example: Look, shit happens, but if you intentionally hurt someone who was nothing but good to you, you're just a piece of garbage. Simple as that.
Example: Why do birds suddenly appear? Cause they can fly. If you could fly you'd be suddenly appearing all over the fucking place.
PissAndry - She will grow on you quickly. Great stuff.
Example: *calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Example: These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these day--oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Example: Gary Busey howls at the sky, his teeth glowing in the moon light. He is naked and below him on the ground is an empty bucket of KFC chicken.
Example: I heard that some kinky people let guys put it in their *ahem* vaginas instead of just their b-holes....barbaric.
Flushing_Nemo – WAAAAY underfollowed. Help fix that, ‘cuz that’s why I’m doin’ this. Really good stuff here, I’m glad I’m one of the ones getting to see it. Join me, won't you?
Example: Those bumpy reflectors that separate lanes on the road really come in handy now that I have a twitter account.
Example: I like to put 2 glow sticks in my mouth at night and pretend I'm the frikkin coolest walrus you've ever seen.
Example: When I was a kid my nightmares were about monsters and aliens and stuff. Now they're pretty much just about having to be around people.
Example: So I throw my gold into an envelope and send it to some stranger who may send me an amount of money that we didn't agree on? Sounds great!
AlexandraDash - Cool and clever and pun-ny (not puny, but pun-y, y'know, like "I bought some shelac and now my turtle is homeless." Except better than that, because I suck at puns!) She's a good 'un, follow her!
Example: I like that song "Sweet Home, Al Abama" where the singer keeps complimenting his friend Al on his new house.
Example: If you're walking a dog, I have no idea what your face looks like.
Example: One of my mom's voicemail messages just got picked up as a full length feature film!
Example: I'd like to travel to the future just to see if we ever do figure out the whole time travel thing.
Example: If a guy made me a mix tape, I would ask, "Did you get permission to use these songs?" & then go over laws of copyright infringement.
YayForJam - Hilarity abounds! Definitely worth a slot in your timeline!
Example: 2014: Winnie the Pooh has both of his feet amputated as a result of type 2 diabetes
Example: Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
Example: YOU GUYS READY FOR THE BASS DROP?! *The audiences cries of excitement turn to those of horror as thousands of fish fall from the ceiling*
Example: Careful guys it's raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren't dying on impact are super pissed
MollyRingwraith - Can you read that handle and still need me to tell you that there's a lot of cleverness in this one? That's a brilliant freakin' handle, and he (yeah, it's a he) didn't stop there. Definitely needs a bigger audience!
Example: Pony express sext - by the time this reaches you, Mary, I will have came eleven times and likely will have been slaughtered by Comanches
Example: NEW! From the makers of Hungry Hungry Hippos comes the first-ever BDSM board game. Worthless Worthless Cockslaves
Example: 69 followers! Aw yeah. You know what that means....it means I'm not very popular on Twitter.
Example: I got this Etch a Sketch and I am trying to draw a staircase but it is ascending in a loop and breaking physics laws oh wait Escher Sketch?
Example: I understand that it's a two party system and that politicians are beholden to special interests, but you know what I don't get? Pussy.
Manda_like_wine - Sometimes reads like poetry... but really twisted, hilarious poetry! There's some brains working in there, which means, you wanna be following this!
Example: Walking into the crisp autumnal air, she knew the ‘coughing up phlegm and then having to swallow it when in public’ season had begun.
Example: I'm sure we could have been great friends, but you seem to have a dream catcher hanging in your car.
Example: 1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don't judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Example: She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.
Example: I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.
JRStacconi - Her tweets mention that she's working on writing a lot, and, as a rule, I like people who write. But, I'd like her even if she didn't 'cuz she's funny!
Example: I'm cleaning out the bottom of my purse if anyone wants a lint-covered stick of gum that tastes like pennies.
Example: Can we all agree to just start spelling it 'Wensday'?
I'm coming for you next, raspberries.
Example: Hey all you women with your sexy avis and your suggestive tweets, *yawn*.
Example: The sound of children's laughter is a beautiful reminder to buy condoms.
Example: The world is the best place, ever! -my puppy, everyday
Bud_Smith - Another one who does some writing (like this ) and, like I said, that's a plus! But you're following people 'cuz they're funny, right? You've got nothing to worry about there, either, he's got that covered, in a really quirky way! Go for it.
Example: One day, you're gonna be so rich you're gonna shower in champagne. Well, then I guess, still have to regular shower after, but-- champagne
Example: If anybody needs me, I'll be walking around in my secret passages between rooms, candle in my hand, looking out from eye holes in paintings
Example: Crash a dirtbike right into the swimming pool. Sink to the bottom. Await, badass mermaids.
Example: All your missing socks? They're my house. You read that right. I built my house out of your socks.
nigburt - or BroDoggy, it's easier to remember. Always good stuff here.
Example: My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one
Example: Heck is where you go if you don't believe in Gosh
Example: Apparently there is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
Example: I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired
Example: I bet you I could quit gambling
OneFunnyBastard - I think all I need to say is... yep! :)
Example: Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved video game.
Example:I asked my wife to get me a newspaper
She said to get with the times and use her iPad.
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
Example: I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her
Example: Whoever convinced blind people they need sunglasses was one hell of a salesman
Example: If you have a parrot, and have not taught it to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot" - You are wasting everyone's time
Example: I don't know why so many people have trouble remembering famous sayings. It's not rocket salad.
StopMotionSailr - ...or, as I usually know him, Ghost. Very funny, good guy, could use some more company, so check him out!
Example: My stuffed animals applaud my nonexistent social life.
Example: There is no snooze button on a hungry cat
Example: After I kill a spider, I outline it in chalk, as a warning to those other motherfuckers
Example: My cat does not like bow ties, or me at the moment.
Pretty_Vapid - Always been cool, always been funny, always worth following!
Example: Don't make me come up there, Canada...
Example: Spoiler alert: at the end of "Battleship" my brother kicks over the board.
Example: People who receive "text messages" also watch "television programs" and eat "pizza pies".
Example: My rebuttal in a presidential debate would ALWAYS be "Oh, spare me your poisonous barbs".
ImprobableEddie - Twitter's ninja! But instead of shuriken, he surprises you with... jokes!
Example: It's like a playground here with all the mood swings.
Example: Anyone know any websites where I can dump my emotional baggage and upload pictures of my cat?
Example: I mixed my speed pills with the smart pills so now I'm fucking things up as fast as possible.
Example: Me to pirate: How'd you get the hook?
Me: ...And the eye patch?
Pirate: Seagull dropping.
Pirate: First day with hook.
NotThatAdamWest - It's easy to tell 'em apart, 'cuz, tried as he might, the Batman Adam West wasn't anywhere near this funny! BAM! POW!
Example: When people ask what you'd take to a desert island, why doesn't anyone ever say boat? Or working phone? Or giant sign saying I'M RIGHT HERE?
Example: If Aladdin were historically accurate, 2/3 of the movie would have been Aladdin savagely beating Jasmine for showing her skin in public.
Example: I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.
Example: Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I'll be murdered
Example: I don't know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I'd have like 3 problems. Max.
SutterInk – Kurt Sutter, who writes Sons Of Anarchy, which, if you’re not watching and buying on DVD, FUCK YOOOOOU! ‘Bout the best show on TV right now, I’m obsessed with it. Anyway, his Twitter feed is a must partially because (A) You watch the show, or at least you will from now on, right? And (B) he’s volatile and his Twitter account gets him in trouble sometimes ‘cuz he’ll tee off and call the Emmy judges a bunch of cunts or something. You don’t wanna miss things like that. Dude’s smart, funny, and free of fear and bullshit. And he's married to Peg Bundy - can you get any cooler than that?! A lot of celebrity Twitters end up boring - not this dude.
wolfpupy - You will never know WHY you're laughing, but you WILL BE laughing, and that's all that matters.
Example: "see if this hotel room has a mini bear" "you mean a mini ba[opens cupboard and small bear jumps on me]
Example: [picks up the decapitated head of satan and uses it as puppet] [in high pitch voice] "hey everybody look at me i'm satan wakka wakka wakka"
Example: if you made a suit of babies you could insult people all day and they wouldn't be able to punch you
Example: i saw a mobie where if you put a water on a furby it turn to more furbys so we put water on a furby but it made satan noise so we ran away
Slennon_ - You should only follow Slennon if you're into good-as-hell tweets. This guy comes up with constant streams of bouncing-off-walls silliness and absurdity that are freakin' brilliant. Sometimes I laugh at his stuff and don't really know what I'm laughing at, like it's dicking around with some toybox hidden in an inaccessible part of my mind. I like that feeling.
Example: If I had a hamster / I'd hamster in the morning / I'd hamster in the evening / All over this land / I'd hamster YOU GET OUT OF PETSMART!
Example: Hi. I am an author of over 542 articles on Wikipedia. You may have read my work such as "Clackers" or "Cat Stevens is a kitten man".
Example: What are you guys going to be for Thanksgiving? I'm going as a slutty yam.
Example: Apparently the footballers won there game which gives everyone the right to be THE WORST FUCKING PEOPLE EVER!
DadBeard - A nice fella with a great absurdist sense of humor. The sense of a real (and smart) person behind these tweets adds to the likeability of 'em. And you never know what reference is going to pop up. But you know tacos are going to come up often. And he's the only source for HorseCops on the web! Plus he's a good dad, and that's always a plus. You'll like this.
Example: AMBER ALERT: AMBER IS A TOTAL BITCH AND HAS WEIRD TOES!
Example: Bicycling through a neighborhood this weekend, my wife said she could tell the homes were built in the 70s because they had big bushes.
Example: My dirtiest tweet just reached fifty stars! Time to break out the embroidery hoop!
DanTheSnick - Always funny, always a good dude. An asset to anybody's timeline!
Example: Everything tastes better with cheese, unless of course, you're eating a bag of dicks.
Example: You call it stalking, I call it research.
Example: Don't you hate it when you go to hoover behind the sofa and find Daniel Day-Lewis back there hand crafting Victorian ornaments.
TravLeBlanc - Your best source for horoscopes. And they're uncannily accurate! Or maybe my life's just a cartoon. He's got an egotistic persona, but it's easy to take because the material's strong enough to justify it.
Example: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Example: The first of Jay-Z's 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Example: The N.W.A. song "Fuck the Police" would have taken on a completely different meaning if it had been performed by The Village People.
Weinerdog4life - How'd I go without this one for so long? Wackiness at its best!
Example: Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.
Example: Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, fuck you Pringle's.
Example: Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Example: EHarmony just matched me with a baked potato and honestly that's pretty much spot on.
Example: How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
Example: Why didn't Catwoman ever show us her asshole? Seems like that would be her go to move.
Example: This deaf guy is throwing up extremely complex gang signs.
Humor4Childrens - I must be a childrens because I've 'bout made an ass of myself laughing at this stuff at work a few times. Holy shit, dude! Twisted, absurd, will kick your ass. Perfect reading for kids, if you're a terrible parent.
WowItsStephen - A helluva funny guy who nails it every time and does Twitter right; I've seen him help a lot of up-and-coming Tweeters find an audience. Hell, I'm one of 'em! An essential part of any good timeline.
Example: The best thing about a gingerbread house is that in a couple of days it's an ant farm!
Example: Courtney Cox has done pretty well, for a satin bag of wrenches.
Example: Well, there's murder & war & famine & genocide & disease & tsunamis & rape but yeah, I'll help your team win. -God.
Example: "Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da" is my fave lyric from a song about fucking a New Orleans whore that's also the gibberish you'd say to an infant.
CheetohFace - A good guy, top-notch Twitter neighbor who's always supportive, and provider of lots of hilarious stuff! You really need this one. He also just started a blog, so check that out here.
Example: Annoying idiot kept talking to me on my break. After 5 minutes of ignoring him he said I was boring and left and then I high-fived myself.
Example: Why are the most ignorant always the most fertile?
Example: I wonder how long the handshake was when Michael J. Fox met Muhammad Ali.
Example: I was asked today, by a 33-year-old man, if girls pee out of their clits. I totally made fun of the idiot after I finished googling it.
AnnaJonzin - Holy shit, she makes me jealous. Inventive stuff, with style. Her best stuff hits you out of nowhere and keeps getting funnier the more you think about it.
Example: If I were in charge of designing the new iPad it would have a bunch of rubber bands & glue in it because I don't know how to build iPads.
Example: For some reason I think I like people, then small talk begins & I remember that I think they're all stupid so I flip over a table & run off.
Example: If you gave me the choice of being pooped on by a bird or a kid, I'd say those are really stupid choices & you're not the poop boss of me.
Lil_Dead_Girl_ - Very cool, I always like her stuff. I relate to the misanthropy, and the love of zombies. You'll benefit greatly by checking her out.
Example: Some kid walking in the parking lot flashed gang signs as I drove by. I read them as 'try to hit me with your car'. I hope I got that right.
Example: I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.
It hasn't so I had some cheese.
Example: If Jesus is my co-pilot I'm pretty sure he's white knuckling it the whole time.
Example: Just remember, if you die in your house alone with your pet, they will at some point eat your face.
Nayele18 - Wow! Really smart, clever, and funny and I have no idea why it took me so long to find out about her, because she immediately became a standout on my timeline. Kind of like what a mommy-blogger might be if you found a really, really hilarious one. Haven't seen a bad tweet yet, and I recommend you add her to your follow list, 'cuz this is a brain you'll want to watch working.
Example: "Mom, I wish my foot was a cupcake, because then I could eat it" ~my 6-year-old, future rocket scientist
Example: My life is like that painting on the wall that is always crooked, no matter how many times you straighten it.
Example: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"
Example: Sometimes I send my kids to school full of Redbull & Pixie Stix as a thank you to the teachers for all the projects I have to help them with
Example: Pretty sure my sexy, flirty face is the same as my I have popcorn stuck in my teeth face.
Example: It's not nice to tell your child to shut up and quit acting like an asshole. Here, let me do it for you.
StumpWoodley - Great stuff here, I only wish I'd started following him sooner. You can avoid my regrets by following him right now!
Example: I really wish when I got an erection it made that light saber sound.
Example: I always assume someone is stuck in a well when I see a collie run full speed through my neighborhood.
Example: "We Built This City on Slave Labor and Freemason Secrets" - Thomas Jefferson Starship.
Example: I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail.
Example: Just found out that platypuses are poisonous. Like I don't already have enough shit to worry about.
CroweJam - Lotsa followers, and for a good reason!
Example: My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Example: Not to brag, but if a bomb hit this Walmart right now, my body might be the only one identified. I have dental records.
Example: The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.
Example: I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.
CollynMcCoy - consistent greatness you should be watching. Been a favorite of mine a long time.
Example: "Butter is probably my favorite anal lubricant to put on English muffins."
Example: Marky Mark couldn't even stop 311.
Example: What I need is a trophy wife. You know, about 6 inches tall, gold-plated, holding a tiny softball bat.
Example: Told my girlfriend I want to bang her wearing a pair of thigh high fishnets. Kind of embarrassing when we both showed up wearing fishnets.
Example: Hilarious that Repubs are now using "class warfare" as a rallying cry. It's like the KKK claiming they're a Civil Rights group.
Example: "All abooooaaaaaard a-ha-ha-ha-ha!!" That's great Ozzy, but you'll need to be quiet for a bit so the hygienist can clean your teeth.
RadOrDie (formerly known as Marleegirlee) - She's funny, she's a sweetheart, and I hope she's not really as drunk as she says she is 'cuz, livers! And she is, indeed, rad!
Example: "I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get the fuck away from you."
Example: My asshole has more facial expressions than Kristen Stewart's face.
Example: Remember when we were younger and couldn't wait to be older? Well that was some stupid shit.
Example: If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you to do it in the first fucking place.
Example: It's 2012. We're supposed to have like flying cars and shit. But nope. Just pajamas that look like jeans.
Stereoshoe - wacky stuff! The only thing predictable about it is that it's gonna be funny. Musically talented, too! Also fun to interact with, as is this next one...
Example: DO NOT interrupt me when I'm driving matchbox cars around on your boobs. This is high drama. These character arcs deserve closure.
Example : Every day on Facebook, I read inspirational/religious quotes from the dumbfuck who spraypainted
on our high school walls
on our high school walls
Example White noise is commercially successful.
Black noise is essentially the same, but happened 15 years earlier and had way more integrity.
Black noise is essentially the same, but happened 15 years earlier and had way more integrity.
Example: No One Takes You Seriously Due To The Lack Of Space Age Furniture In Your Home.
We've Been To The Moon, Son. BUY SOME EGG-SHAPED CHAIRS
We've Been To The Moon, Son. BUY SOME EGG-SHAPED CHAIRS
Example: DO NOT interrupt me when I'm driving matchbox cars around on your boobs.
This is high drama. These character arcs deserve closure.
This is high drama. These character arcs deserve closure.
Jeff01usmc - Support our troops, give 'em some more followers! The guy's a vet, but really, you can just follow him on the basis of he puts out really funny tweets. Go look!
Example: Friend: Can I use your phone to call my mom?
Me: Sure man. Just hit redial.
Example: Cop: License and insurance
Me: Hold my beer
M: Fine you can take a sip
C: Step out of the car
M: I'm not getting my beer back am I?
Example: I have a penis. Which means nobody will retweet this.
Example: Seriously considering masturbating at work for a second time today. This time I'll wait for ppl to leave the room though.
Example: It would be much easier to ignore the voices if they didn't have such awesome sounding ideas
Jake_Vig - I could swear I'd already put him on this list, but I can't find it. Maybe he changed his name on me? I couldn't have been remiss enough to leave out this dude, 'cuz his stuff's definite A-list material. Decidedly worth a follow!
Example - "This is the ride that killed Jimmy."
- me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Example: When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Example: Whoever said the best things in life are free was unaware of this 99¢ app that makes my phone sound like a light sabre.
Example: When giving someone CPR, federal law requires that you either yell, "Not on my watch!" or "Don't you die on me, you sonofabitch!"
Example: With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Kirstensaysss - weird 'n' funny 'n' another good playmate.
Example: I bet Mitt Romney hugs his kids via PowerPoint.
I will always follow you even if you unfollow me because I can't help thinking that we could have had it aaaAAAaaaAaaaLLLLL
Example: BREAKING NEWS: The 5th dentist caved in and now they're ALL recommending Trident.
Calmdownguy - Funny stuff I'm sure you'll dig, I do.
Example: "I'm a regular guy when it comes to pants. One leg at a time, but with shirts I put them on the floor and dive at 'em till something happens."
Example: "Victorias real secret is chronic diarrhea, that's why she has so much underwear."
Example: To me religion is like an STD. I really don't care if you've got one, but I don't wanna hear about it, and I certainly don't want it.
Example: The only way to tell how old a homeless person is is by counting how many coats they have on. It's just like counting the rings on a tree.
Example: Sing like no one is listening, love like.you've never been hurt, drink 'til you get diabetes, and put your penis in and around some stuff.
Example: The most attractive thing a girl can do is not be into me.
jimmy_boston (now known as hands_at_sides )- Solid funnystuff on a regular basis, with some weirdness thrown in!
Example: "If someone says, "Hey, would you like a Werther's Hard Candy" what they mean is, "Hey, whats this sex thing I keep hearing about".
Example: "New babysitter seems great! He's a puppeteer in his spare time" --guy whose child is now in a puppeteers freezer."
Example: During sex, my wife likes to keep the light off, because she knows I hate to see our neighbor naked. Sadface.
Example: My mind explores great mysteries: Life after death, why we are here, bird dicks.
Example: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Or nothing. What the fuck do I know birds aren't money, get a job.
Rollinintheseat - I just started following her but she's already become one of those people whose next tweet I look forward to. She's in a wheelchair so there are a lot of wheelchair jokes, but by no means is she limited to that. Great, clever (and sometimes silly, but I obviously like silly) stuff! Definitely give her a look!
Example: Stop asking me to change my password. I can't keep renaming my dog.
Example: I just saw a guy with one arm go into a second hand shop. I don't think he's going to find what he's looking for.
Example: Every time I watch The Expendables I can't make up my mind who my favorite red faced bloated actor is.
Example: I think karate was created when somebody accidently walked into a spiderweb.
Example: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional attachment.
Example: Nicholas Cage always sounds like he's trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
LunchyPrices - One of those people you just sense as kind of kindred spirit. Or at least I do, 'cuz I'm an overaged 12-year-old boy, and so is she. Comics, metal, disdain for people and their bullshit. A mom whose kid likes Slayer. Do you need any more evidence of coolness than that? You'll like her, she'll make you laugh.
Example: Kinda weird that you can't tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Example: Man, I sure could go for one of those sandwiches that fat men in movies make in the middle of the night.
Example: I sure hope this guy who's coming over to buy my old sex swing off Craiglist isn't a weirdo.
Example: I still run up the basement stairs at top speed so some psycho doesn't throw a hatchet in my back.
Example: Either my deodorant doesn't work, or I bought burrito scented.
Example: I wish I was as proud of anything as my 5 year-old is of his penis.
Example: Which do you think is dumber; a pigeon, a prairie dog or most of the people you meet?
AmberTozer - Ho-leeeee shit, people, if you don't like Amber Tozer then I don't get ya. It's hard to pack a style into 140 characters, but she does it. It's not always what she says, it's how she says it. Jokes that would fizzle in anybody else's hands put me on the floor when Amber does 'em, just on diction alone. Adorable and wrong! I don't give a fuck what anybody else says, Amber Tozer is America's sweetheart. If you dispute me, go look at her YouTube dance-a-thons and you will fall in fucking LOVE with her, and if you don't, may you be punched in the butthole with great force with a robot-fist! Also check out this: "Muffins are such a good time!"
"Goddamn right they are!"
Example: HELP HELP I'M SUFFERING j/k I'm fine I'm just aware of my life.
Example: "You're inspiring!"-yell this at ants if they're carrying something on their back if they aren't carrying anything step on them & kill them
Example: In my experience, if you're tryin to fly a kite & it won't fly bc it's heavy & dragging & screaming on the ground it's not a kite it's a pig
Example: Can't believe dudes have to whack off all the time. Girls are #1 forever.
Example: "I wonder what this feels like (stabs their own eyeball) OUCH!"- someone who doesn't know a lot about anything & I hope I never meet them.
Example: HELP I'M BEING MURDERED. J/K my phone is ringing and it just feels like I'm getting murdered because my childhood was a C-.
Example: I wish retrospect didn't take so long because I'm probably living a lie that I won't realize until retrospect gets here.
Example: Earlier today, I couldn't remember what happens in the movie OLD YELLER. When I finally remembered, I went for a walk & kicked stones around
AmberDonn (now known as Amburglar_) - Not for the timid, or those who might pee their pants at hilarious stuff. This one's brilliant! I don't care how hardcore you are, she'll fling a few at you that make you go "Daaaaamn!" Or, at the very least, "I'm jealous."
Example: People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper "oh fuck yea" under your breath when you look at their photos.
Example: "Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Example: I was going to be Caylee Anthony for Halloween but my mother would kill me.
Example: I just want someone to pull my hair and smack my ass!!!
See how that wasn't funny? Get new jokes, sluts.
Example: How do you people who wear fedoras in public deal with the constant compliments and praise from strangers?
Example: "Slow, I say a-slow! Slow ride, i say. Take it easy now, I say, a-take it real easy, now I say."
Hello_Saylor - Cleverness astounding and abounding. Deserves a bigger audience, starting with you.
Example: A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word "bifurcated" during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Example: I have a crush on the cute young pharmacy tech at CVS, but I think it's doomed. He knows my real age and which meds I'm on. :(
Example: Let's agree that short in front/long in back skirts should be called mullet skirts, and they should be banned immediately.
Mike_Wrong - Threats and progress reports of mayhem from a bear-suited lunatic with an active imagination when it comes to terrible things to do. Really funny, has his own thing goin'. Taste the mayhem!
Example: I will always choose intelligent loneliness over stupid company
Example: FUCK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Example: You don't HAVE to laugh while using a flamethrower. But I mean, why the fuck wouldn't you?
Example: According to this voicemail, my grandmother has been at the airport for 5 months.
Example: Listen lady, I don't know why I'm in your kitchen in a rabbit suit either, calm the fuck down before we all die.
Verlieren - Tweets from the perspective of a remarkably pretty, self-absorbed, yet insightful young misanthrope. She sees through everybody else's bullshit, and her own, and she'll confront you with it in the most hilarious way possible. You get the feeling she's trying to get you to loathe her but you just can't 'cuz she's freakin' adorable even when she's bitchy. She has a love of hot dogs that's almost in the DSM. One night she was going on about how "wienerbutts are the pinched-off part of the hot dog butt" and elaborating on how important it was to know this fact, and I almost laughed myself into an aneurysm. And she can throw out things that are just wrrrronnnng.
Example: Her: "Are you pregnant?" Me: "Until Tuesday."
Example: "Sorry for shitting everywhere." - Honest, thoughtful suicide note.
Example: Happy Columbus day! Celebrate by invading someone's home, calling it your own, shitting everywhere and giving them AIDS.
Example: You shouldn't play hard to get if you're already hard to want.
Stegasp - Solidly funny, righteous dude who's breaking into stand-up. He's good, too. You can check that out here. Definitely worth your time, on Twitter or in the club.
Example: My friends are all so funny. They always tell me things like "Who the hell are you?" and "How did you get into my house?" Ha! Good one guys!
Example: Ugh. My eyelid is twitching. I'm probably just stressed out that meth is getting so expensive.
Example: Putting a bicycle together is hard work. Especially with this cyclist guy yelling "Why'd you hit me with your car?" the whole time.
Example: A horse walks into a bar, the bartender say "Why the long face?" Then the horse causes $5000 in property damage. Horses shouldn't be indoors
Example: Alex Trebek's favorite thing to yell during sex is "Who is... your daddy?"
Example: I feel sorry for the person that goes into the bathroom after me, because there are like 7 dead hookers in there.
Example: So I play one little game of "got your nose" with my nephew & all of a sudden his "facial disfigurement" is my fault? Whatever, legal system
TheNardvark - One of those Tweeters who should come as a default setting. Gold!
Example: When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple "calm down" in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
Example: Why do so many Proud Americans™ who simply fell out of a vagina onto US soil hate people who risk everything for a chance to be an American?
TheNardsWife - As you might guess, she's the wife of the esteemed Nardvark. And, she's just as funny! It'd probably be cool to be a fly on the wall in that household, but if Twitter's any indication, they'd've laughed themselves to death. Always cool, you'll never regret following either of 'em.
Example: If you think about it, an all-white town putting a ban on dancing is actually a pretty god damn good idea.
Example: Anyone else think we should be a fuck ton more freaked out by the fact that parrots talk?
Example: Fuck you, Harry & David, for making me want to order fucking pears. I'll just go ahead & put myself on that nursing home waiting list now.
LittleHarmonica - Really sharp stuff here, smart and clever with attitude and a no-fucking-around hostile edge to it that I like. Occasionally she'll toss out something serious and I like those as much as the jokes. Monica is badass. Class-A, 100 proof cold shot, and sounds like a good mom, too. Oh, and she's damn pretty, which is a bonus.
Example: Wish I could master the expression cows have when a ten car pile-up occurs on the highway alongside the field. Now THAT'S not giving a fuck.
Example: Hey you, with the Bible under your arm, the smug look on your face, and the judgemental attitude....You're a terrorist too.
Example: I might be climbing into bed alone tonight.....but at least it's with someone I like.
Example: My lovelife is so dead, my soul is hovering above my body and thinking "someone should really dust the top of that bookshelf".
RideOrDiePudge - A clevermachine! Consistently smart stuff here, with pop culture references and a bit of the surreal thrown in to spice things up.
Example - "The creepiest thing just happened to me today" - first cow ever milked by humans
Example - Your butt smells. There, I said it. Now can we just move on with this Church Council Meeting.
Example: No offense Kid Rock, but I'm going to hold off on making my decision on president until I hear from the Insane Clown Posse.
Example: The best part about eating at El Pollo Loco is the reassurance that the chicken was too insane to understand its imminent death.
Example: Thank goodness Nabisco pulled the plug on Double Butt Stuff Oreos before they ever hit the shelves.
MattManic - A lovable goof who usually seems to be trying to flirt with all the ladies of Twitter at once, but in a non-threatening, I-will-win-you-with-cookies kind of way. Once you get in the vibe of it, it's way-funny. Sometimes gets brilliant. Check out his Tumbler here.
Example: Aren't you hoity-toity as fuck, Mr. "Look at me, I'm wearing pants" guy.
Example: Sorry, but you are not attractive enough for that kinda attitude. Either get prettier or get nicer.
Example: If I was a doctor, I'd makes sure I say "No signs of lycanthropy" in all my dictation.
Example: I never outgrew the "I wanna push the elevator buttons!" stage.
John_E_Catfish - The reigning king of hashtag games. If you think you don't like those, it's only 'cuz you've never played them with this fella. A great Twitter neighbor, too! Solid knowledge of all things rockin'.
Example: Lemon Lyme Disease #NewGatoradeFlavors
Example: Weight Watchers™ start a service for young people called Teenage Waistland. #weightloss
Example: If you're a singer on "The Voice" & you need dancers & stage props 2 accompany your cover song, then it's not really about your voice is it?
Example: WANTED: Musicians 2 form ZZ Top tribute band. First gig booked 4 7/27/15. I figure we'll need 3 months 4 rehearsal & 3 years 4 beard growth.
Josephesque (formerly JoeVelouria) - Good guy to have in your Twitter neighborhood. Hilarious material, and a good writer & poet, too. Got a style goin'.
Example: An onion ring snuck in with my french fries. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Example: Chuck E. Cheese's - Where a Kid Can Be an Asshole
Example: People who talk only about themselves are the drum solos of the world.
Example: It's all fun and games until someone gets an opinion.
JayOnGuitar - Cool dude with funny stuff. I always like his material, and he never disappoints. An important part of your Twitter diet!
Example: The drivers side window on my car is stuck about a quarter of the way down so when I go to a drive-thru I can only order quesadillas.
Example: I'm thinking of writing a book about parenting titled, God Damnit What The Fuck.
Example: I loved when mom would take me to Taco Bell as a kid so I could talk to dad through the speaker at the drive-thru.
Example: Watching a fat person trying to dig a cell phone out of their front pocket while sitting down is totally exhausting.
Llib_Notwal - Always delivers, original, smart, and funny.
Example: My wife being out of town for two days has taught me how unbelievably amazing I will get at video games if she ever dies.
Example: I like when baseball players point to the sky after Homeruns to thank and honor Jesus for the sweetass steroids.
OvarianRage - Who doesn't like a chick who can sling a good poop joke? O' course, that's not all she does. Haven't found any style she's bad at yet. And "Pippa Six-Killer" may be the baddest-ass name ever. You should definitely check her out.
Example: Gonna see if the can add a wax during my colonoscopy.
Example: Facebook friend posting how much earwax the doctor removed from her ears. She gets 24 responses. I talk about being constipated and 0. WTF?
SouthSideSutra - Way underfollowed. Consistent quality, some really funny stuff, deserving of a much bigger audience. Just go look, you'll see what I mean. Consider this your chance to get in on the ground floor.
Example: I'd rather get nailed in the face with a piss covered beach ball than listen to you talk about Christmas decorations
Example: So when you say "calm down" you mean stop screaming and pointing at the sign that reads "limited edition burrito"
Example: If I was the fourth sister on Downton Abbey my name would be "Patches" and I would be confined in the stables to avoid a scandal
Example: It's punk to slam the microphone down.....it's not punk to slam your ice cream cone down because a toddler visually challenged you
Example: I like to call the "little family" decals on the back of vehicles the "Honky Scorecard"
Example: Apparently having work splayed out in front of me means "please tell me about your constipated dog"
TheTobbie - Strange and smart, has an unusual slant on things and a creative (and really funny) way of conveying it. Describing him won't do him justice, go look for yourself.
Example: One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming...
Example: The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC chicken..
Example: "Cumming" sounds gross. I think I'd start calling it "going number 3"...
Example: I'm very sure there would be 60% fewer pop songs if "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire"...
scrirc - Got no idea what the user name means, but it could be a synonym for funny!
Example: I bet every recipe for disaster has raisins in it.
Example: I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.
Example: When people describe the departed as being in "a better place" I always imagine them boxing a kangaroo in the 1930's.
RamblingMachine - Smart, funny, and I don't know if anybody's more generous with other people. She does big blocks of RT's to give people a chance, and has a sizeable enough follower count to make that really valuable. Widely-loved for a reason. One of Twitter's good people.
Example: The phrase "Silence is golden" doesn't make any sense because duct tape is silver.
Example: If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
ShazzaLM - Always cool. Funny, and very generous with her timeline, RT'ing a lot of up-and-comers to give them a boost. A follow well spent.
Example: Twitter Elite Barbie - Comes with her own iPhone, boob avi, 20k followers, bonus features and Ken doll duct taped in Dream Mansion basement.
Example: I sometimes confuse my walk of shame with my happy dance.
Ginger_ish - A bright and funny sweetheart. No matter how you feel about redheads, you'll love this one. :)
Example: Considering becoming a personal trainer so I can finally get paid for all this yelling I do at fat people.
Example: I only post on FB just enough so that people won't suspect I've moved on to Twitter.
Shelldash - Smart, clever, witty, and a class act. Definitely belongs on your list!
Example: Hold the fuck up: I did NOT just watch a Viagra commercial showing an old-ish cowboy with a knowing grin loading a horse into a trailer... ?
Example: It's been leaked that Madonna's Super Bowl half-time performance will include a supersexy homage to Botox, AARP, Metamucil & Centrum Silver.
Example: A blind gymnast walks into a bar...
KennedyDP5 - A solid source of reliably-funny stuff! Dunno where he is at the moment, but go ahead and follow and wait for him to come back. (I think some virus-bot has gotten into his account because it's tweeting strange offers... pretty sure that's not him doing it, so, stay tuned!)
Example - Tampon strings should be 8 feet long and have a tennis ball on the end so I know to steer clear at the bar.
Example - I always run up flailing my arms & yelling "oh my fucking God!" like Im on the Price Is Right when my boss calls me up to give me my check
Angelcomedian - I've been a fan of this guy's tweets for a long time, and he gets better and better all the time. A dead-sure lock for somebody you should be following. You're cheating yourself if you don't.
Example: I think it's crazy how the Cardinals can score 15 runs on Saturday and how I like shoving squirrel bones in my butthole.
Example: Orgasms are like haircuts. Sure you can do it yourself, but we all know its MUCH better when you pay an old man.
Example: I asked my doctor if he thought I was healthy enough for sexual activity and he asked me to "kindly stop massaging the small of his back."
Example: I think it's kind of gay when a dude starts talking to me at the urinal after I compliment his penis.
Missingblakes - Distinctive and deadpan funny, you can't lose following this one.
Example: If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
Example: Sure I'm glad the economy is recovering but can't help but be a little disappointed that I never saw a man wearing a barrel with suspenders.
DrLickenstein - Sometimes weird-Twitter is just weird instead of funny. Not the case here - this one's weird and hilarious and unique. Became one of my favorites really quickly.
Example: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Example: but HOW will we hide our masturbation huts from our wives?! "we'll call them *windmills* and pretend they do stuff" excellent.
Example: picked my lil sister up from preschool she was so excited to show me her & her classmates crayon drawings and let me tell you they were SHIT
Example: its nice to come home and snuggle w ur kitty after u been to a death metal concert
Example: *inappropriately touches your rocking horse until im not your friend anymore*
Example: i hope my goldfish think im a fair and just god
Veronaway2 - always funny, and sometimes hits me with something brilliant enough to make me jealous.
Example: When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Example: Saw a guy on TV who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Now he gives talks about suicide. Like they say “Those who can’t, teach.”
Example: If you hold a woman’s purse on your lap, you can sit outside the Victoria’s Secret dressing room for quite a while before they catch on.
Example: Friend asked me why I carry both a gun and a knife. Told him the gun stops them, the knife gives me something to do till the cops get there.
Example: It was embarrassing. I told the hooker my name and her response was “Vera’s kid?”
Example: Cannons to right of me
Cannons to left of me.
Cannons in front of me.
Damn these Cannons and their family reunion.
MissMayn - Witty stuff abounds here, with just a wee bit of shock thrown in to keep you off balance. Reeeeaaally good. It was a sad day when she unfollowed me for some reason, but I still follow her back - she's too good to miss out on just 'cuz of vengeance! :)
Example: Whatever the circumstance we're all having a better day than Charlie Sheen's teeth.
Example: Spent the day going door-to-door introducing myself as a sex offender so the kids will stay off my lawn.
Example: I expect my pussy be eaten with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facefucks jars of honey.
Example: Best part of having to poop at PetSmart is you can just do it in aisle 5.
Wolfmeister - A funny, cool guy who deserves a bigger following. He's been dormant for a month or two, but if you follow now you can be on board when he shows up again.
Examples: Licking my phone's screen to clean it is the most intimate thing I've done with anything in months.
Examples: Look, I can barely tolerate you and your stories so what makes you think I wanna hear stories about your friends?
BlackBeltJonz - Solid, reliably funny stuff, always fun to see pop up in your timeline.
Example: Your dad called. Something about not forgetting the lint thing on the dryer again. Woulda burned the house down if he hadn't been there.
Example: My friend and I both had big news. I told her to go first. Her brother was beaten by police in a riot. (I saw a squirrel carrying a lemon).
Example: I don't wear flip flops because you don't need to know where I am every goddamn second of the day.
Example: "Bubbles? Are you fucking kidding me? There's gonna be bubbles?! Fucking count me in!" --Toddlers.
ExploringURMind - Funny stuff, often alcohol-related so if you're into that you should definitely check this guy out. Hell, you should check him out even if you're not! Good dude.
Example: Remember when we had to rewind the movies before sending it back? Like fucking animals.
Example: If you want to lose your life do not waste your time with a gun, just open a Twitter account.
Example: Twitter is not a competition, losers
TittyBoobowitz - Crazy stuff, surreality mixed with bizarre images and an off-kilter approach. You should check this out.
Example: What has a head and a tail, but no legs? A coin!!! Ha! Also, this "easter bunny" my cat just brought home.
Example: My mom just called me at work to tell me that I should adopt a child. Really, Mom?? I'm 25 and I had skittles for lunch.
Example: I cry when I cut up onions, but I cry when I cut up bananas, too. It gets emotional in the kitchen when you anthropomorphize your food.
Example: If I actually followed my dreams, I'd be wearing a coconut bra on a Segway eating breast milk ice cream out of Seabiscuit's left hoof.
KingsRoc - Comes at you from all kinds of crazy angles, absurdity and cleverness abounding. You never know what to expect, 'cept funniness, and a love of science. A must if you like a surreal edge.
Example: What am I doing today? Well I forgot my headphones so probably murders.
Example: I scream. You scream. We're all screaming. This is awesome.
Example: I've never been to a group protest but we're all pretty mean to this one girl at work so its pretty much the same thing.
HonestMiss - She is not happy with you, but she won't lie about it... or will she? Attitude-as-humor, and it works!
Example: I think I could probably understand you better if you took your pants off.
Example: Of course I want to talk to you, just not on the phone with my voice and everything.
Example: I'm here, are you all my judges?
Iscof - this is the one with one F, very different from the one with two F's, other than he's also funny and well-worth the follow.
Example: A small famine stricken nation could be well fed by the food that ends up on my shirt.
Example: If there were a Twitter action figure it would have 140 pieces, come assembly required, and be nothing but genitals and boobs.
Example: If you don't have anything nice to say to me, then by all means, please quote someone who does.
Example: Not the first rule, but a good rule of thumb is make sure it's fight club before you beat the crap out of a bunch of ladies playing bridge.
SeanINCypress - Heavy hitter here. Smart humor with a bit of surreality thrown in just to spice things up. Check it out!
Example: You don't REALLY know how to avoid eye contact until you see another dude at Hobby Lobby.
Example: Maybe that dude isn't throwing up his metal horns. Maybe he's a clumsy wood shop teacher ordering 2 beers.
Example: I found the cutest, abandoned, dog. I don't think he's trained, but he does a cool trick where he makes shaving cream with his mouth! :)
Example: If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
Example: Safe to say that after 79 dogs in 8 years, I'm a huge dog fan. Mysterious creatures. They live such short lives, and eat SO much chocolate!
Example: There are lots of people with less than 500 followers with genius timelines. Find them. RT them. Makes this place better.
(I didn't make a color-choice mistake... I put that one in a different color 'cuz it's wisdom and sums up astutely a lot of what I'm trying to do with this blog post)
Jeff_Ratfamily (now known as KimJongJeff) - Really good stuff, always funny & on the money! (I know that's a lousy rhyme but I'm trying to make these unique, work with me here). Somebody you should definitely check out.
Example: I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving
Example: I can tell my grandma is hungry when she shakes her cage.
Example: Chicks dig it when you speak to their vagina in a Jar Jar Binks voice.
Example: My new hobby is to sit alone at a wendy's, chew my food slowly, & groan & pound the table in front of all the elderly white women
Example: I think I'm getting the hang of this ~ David Carradine
JohnKolade1987 - I've been following this guy for a good long while and he always delivers. Add him to your timeline!
Example: When I die I want the Tetris theme played at my funeral as my coffin is lowered into the ground.
Example: Somebody just accused me of over reacting, so I burst into flames.
Example: Doctors say I've only got about 60-70 years left to live, and that I'll die of natural causes..
You just never think it will happen to you.
Example: That's a terrible thing to say!
...I must Tweet it.
Spaterpeter - I've been following this guy a relatively short time, but so far, so good! Haven't regretted yet and doubt I ever will. Very clever stuff. Check 'im out!
Example: Right now there's an Applebee's waiter who is trying to figure out a safe way to tell Steven Seagal that the kitchen simply has no pie left.
Example: Saw a company offering a "non-surgical, non-hormonal, permanent birth control" option for women. Is it...glue?
Example: I did not scream because I saw a banana slug. I screamed because I saw a banana slug that I thought was a snake. Crucial distinction there.
Example: Has my life lost some of its verve? Well I own three different rakes, so you tell me.
Example: Yesterday was 2/1/12 so in honor of Rush, I dicked around on the bass for over 20 minutes in a technically proficient yet oddly boring way.
Itsalloneword - Now, there's no way you don't wanna know what a cute girl named "Sogol" is saying, is there? Always very cool, worth your follow.
Example: "I see your litter of kittens sleeping soundly in a sink and I raise you one baby with glasses riding a puppy like a horse." - the Internet
Example: My dad just showed me the result of an IQ test he took online as proof and so that I take his side the next time my mum calls him an idiot.
Example: 99% of the time, I dance like a white boy. But when I Dougie in the shower, you'd never know.
NocturnoCunto (now known as Seigneurpiss )- If you're familiar with Darkthrone, you're laughing already. Great blend of oddball-silly with a dark edge creeping in. You never know exactly what he's gonna do next, which, of course, makes this a fun one to follow.
Example: Technically a bukkake is a baby shower.
Example: Masturbating with a fozzy bear handpuppet. Whacka whacka whacka.
Example: I don't know about you but Scooby-Doo was pretty terrifying. Bunch of drugged up hippies driving around in a multicolored rape van.
Example: If you steal my tweets I'll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
Example: I like keeping the house dusty so I can draw dicks on everything.
cjcapbt - It's a hard username to remember (I think of her as 10F L. Chirpacabra) but it's worth the effort 'cuz you will find clever stuff within.
Example: I'm just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .
Example: Is felationship a word yet ?
Example: I said one funny thing one time and now I'm stuck here for the rest of my life trying to replicate it .
Example: How drunk is it outside ?
Mikeysny - Consistent quality, very funny, generous with his time-line, and a cool guy all-around. A must-follow!
Example: *travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells "Way to go, Einstein!"*
*returns satisfied to present*
Example: Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting.
Example: The “thank you wave” after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the only thing holding this fragile society together.
Example: When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Example: Somewhere in Nashville, Toby Keith is trying to rhyme "North Korea" with something about America kicking ass.
Example: If someone tells me to “take it down a notch,” that guarantees an immediate 4 to 5 notch increase. Don’t try and de-notch me.
MadMimsy - Weirdness reigns! Mad funny!
Example: Is today National Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Day? Can we pretend to be patriotic again? I mean, c'mon...it's for the cookies!
Example: Who wants to go play with me on the mood swings?
Example: I like walking the fine line between flirt and creep.
Example: I'm gonna get a stick figure for the back of my car...just the one stick figure.
Example: Everyone wants to feel like the exception.
Brideylee - Hilarious in this unique, odd, lovable kinda way that I can't really explain... I advise you to check it for yourself, I think you'll see what I mean.
Example: Never met a baby named Debbie, always wanted to.
Example: bet if I start calling the mouse in my kitchen "my boyfriend" he'll leave.
Example: Any Thanksgiving Bikini Wax specials going on? I want my genitalia to just really WOW my relatives.
Example: Everything is great but we still are unhappy. -when the waiter asks how everything is.
Example: I am what's called a "jack-of-all-offs"
Example: Happy Valentine's Day to you and your fucking wife.
Neptunian - kinda new to me, but I'm already impressed!
Example - Not to brag, but I can have any guy I don't want.
Example: I can't get the room dark enough to justify fucking you.
Example: My boyfriend says that wearing a chastity belt topless is "sending mixed signals".
Example: I no longer have orgasms. I just tap out.
Example: I do my best cheerleading during bar fights.
VladChoc - Has a big following, and that's not a surprise - just read the dude's material! Makes me jealous, and I like it when that happens.
Example: Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
Example: Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Example: Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
Example: What we have here is failure to communicate. No, hang on. Ok, no. It's a dog. Sorry, I didn't see the tail. What we have here is a dog.
Example: For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
Example: Be careful out there, guys. Snakes sound a LOT like sizzling fajitas.
Cpt._Karnage - or more commonly known as Eddie Mayhem. Funny, a good guy, real, and a very generous re-tweeter.
Example: My signature move is losing motivation for damn near everything, damn near instantly, then bitching as I impotently watch my life go nowhere
Example: Before twitter I thought my other half truly liked the scent of Axe. Now I know she was gifting me babe repellent.
Well done, Jedi.
Example: who the fuck folds a fitted sheet any damn way?
dryer goes buzzzzz, sheet goes back on the damn bed.
_Friday_XIII - or, more commonly known as Dr. Feelgood. Funny stuff for the sex-joke crowd (which is also known as "Twitter"), the occasional nugget of wisdom, and lots of good retweetin'.
Example: According to WebMD, you're all assholes.
Example: You can have the body of a 10, but if you have the character of a 2, you're a 0 in my book.
Example: Getting busted by your parents while fucking is nothing compared to being caught masturbating in the bathroom at work.
Relicoboogie - Another one I've been following a long time with no regrets. Always solidly funny stuff here, with a unique style.
Example: sometimes when I'm eating my lunch I fantasize about other lunches.
Example: because of tough financial times we are extending the 5 Second rule to 45 minutes.
Example: technically all Porno Films are remakes.
Example: in the future a popular game at nursing homes will be Guess that Tattoo.
Angrea - I think she's cooler than she is just-plain-angry, really, but she's always sharp. I dig what she's doin', and so will you.
Example: OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
Example: With this coupon, bras & panties are 20% off.
That's nothing. With charm, a sense of humour and a little wine, bras & panties are 100% off.
Example: Found a skittle in my bra. Ate it. Sadest Saturday night ever.
Example: I googled anal-retentive to see whether it needs a hyphen.
Example: The true value of a friend is that when they fail, you can feel better about yourself.
TeaPartyCat - Kinda a Stephen Colbert effect going on here... and he's good at it! If you're a Republican you probably won't like this, but the only Republican I ever met who had a sense of humor worth a fuck is already somewhere in this list, so I doubt that'll be a problem. The rest would be crazy if they followed me anyway, so they probably wouldn't see this...
Example: Rick Santorum: "Jesus said love thy neighbor. But clearly He didn't mean I should love my gay neighbor, or the slut using contraception."
Example: Remember, people, Rick Santorum is the ONLY candidate with a plan to fight Satan. None of the others have taken a stand on this.
Example: Rush Limbaugh: "It's not dead air; that's the time for my listeners to move their hooded sheets from the washer to the dryer."
CelebrityChez - Consistently funny and smart. You can't go wrong here.
Example: Traveling to France and eating at McDonalds is a fun way to tell the French to fuck off.
Example: Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.
Example: I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not the sharpest elevator in the sea.
Example: Nothing makes the wife happier than when I come home & yell "WHO THE FUCK TOUCHED MY STUFF" after she spent the whole day cleaning the house
Example: I'm not negative, I just think that everyone's a stupid asshole and we're all gonna die.
Atanenhaus - Go hang out on her timeline a while. I think you'll want to stay there. Good stuff!
Example: A blow job makes a great gag gift.
Example: Yo mama’s so fat she’s planning to make some serious lifestyle changes and we’re all really proud of her.
Example: I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Example: this bag of dicks is only like 1/3 full once you take out all the stems and pubes, what a rip
Xalquee - If you're on Twitter a while you'll start seeing this Billy Jack avy a lot, because this guy gets retweeted a lot... for good reason! Check it out.
Example: You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes
Example: I think people who sneeze more than twice in a row are fucking attention whores
Example: How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Example: My wife once told me " Mike you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms", which pissed me off because my names not Mike
Runawaycupcake - Always funny, always smart, always worth following!
Example: There's a special Twitter for people who take jokes literally. It's called FACEBOOK.
Example: Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it's expected that you'll continue to speak w/accent after you're hired
Example: You are only as good as you treat the person behind the counter.
Example: When I'm an old lady I'm going to leave snacks in little bags on the floor all over the house in case I fall down.
Example: Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Ninatreemonkey - Who doesn't like monkeys? Read this and you'll have another reason!
Example: Deliverance would have been a way different movie if that kid played the french horn
Example: Autocorrect changed "i'm in bed" to "I'm inbred" touche motherfucker touche
Example: Hey you guys wanna like, go to a bar, and stare at our phones together?
Example: Every fucking squirrel in the world has la bamba blasting in their head
Example: My mom figured out I blocked her on twitter and made me unblock her. HAVE FUN READING ABOUT MY STEEL COCK MOM
Adambation - Clever stuff here, you should give it a look, I'm betting you'll want a steady supply.
Example: "This guy doesn't know shit about statistics," I say as I reply to an email about r-squared values while looking up r-squared on Wikipedia.
Example: I don't always drink beer...but when I do, I text every female in my phone.
Example: I was going to learn how to play the bagpipes, but I'm doing a just fine job of not getting laid as it is.
Example: Girl, I love when you text me those three special words..."Who is this?"
Example: Just listed my couch on craigslist, so if you don't hear from me after this you can assume I'm some dude's new bathrobe.
Tetley6969 - Like sex jokes? This guy sure does! And he's good at 'em, too. A heavy dose of self-deprecation and glimpses that there's a nice guy behind it all keep all the horniness from getting creepy... even with that avi mouthing "fuck you" at you all the time. :)
Example: Fucked a sheep once, got called a Sheep Fucker. I like to think of myself as baaa-curious instead.
Example: Going to nude beach in Jamaica in November. I am gonna show those Jamaicans what a real cock looks like. Tiny, thin, white and flaccid.
The Name is Billy B (formerly known as BobbyWheeler) - Lotsa well-done funny stuff here, somebody you should definitely check out. Solid!
Example: When someone asks "How are you today?" I find that replying "I'm dead inside" gets you out of the conversation fairly quickly.
Example: The Manager you asked to speak to doesn't give a fuck either.
Example: Whenever I drive by a cop while I'm texting I immediately pretend like I'm masturbating.
Example: Hey guys, I'm not trying to brag but a real person is coming over to my house.
Example: To blame other people for your failures and truly believe it must be nice.
IntoxicaTweeted - Lotsa alcohol-related tweets, and a lot of people do those, but this guy's are funny and clever! And they're not limited to that, either. Check 'em out and I think you're gonna wanna hit the follow button.
Example: My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Example: Stumbled in drunk after climbing through a broken window cause my keys didn't work and tripped over my dog and... when did I get a dog?
Example: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Example: The pet store keeps selling me hamsters.
The hamsters just float upside down all day in the tank.
Another batch of defective hamsters.
Fun_Beard - Never not funny! He's got an interesting slant on things, and he's cool to interact with. I like it that he sometimes drops the jokes and just asks what everybody's doing. That's neat. He's also got a side-project, NoParking3, which is a horror short story he's tweeting. If you know anything about this blog beyond this post, you'll know we're all about some horror short stories, so I'm always happy to see somebody doing those... and the story's kicking ass so far!
Example: How does Mario's plumbing business stay afloat when he always off fucking around?
Example: I've been holding this fart in for so long that it's demanded to speak to its lawyer.
Example: Wiping down the handle of your grocery cart with a disinfectant wipe is a nice, subtle way of saying "hey, I'm kind of an asshole."
Example: "Hey, what's this? Hm, guess I'll go ahead and eat it." -dogs
Donni - a staple on Twitter. You've seen this guy's avi if you've been around for more than a week, and you should click on it and read his timeline, 'cuz he's in the heavyweight class o' funny-clever! Never disappoints.
Example:My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.
Example: The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
Example: Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Example: Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Example: The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
MDValdosta - Heavyweight-class follower count and yet still finds time to be a super-cool guy, and very funny! Runs a great website o' jokes. He's got a lot of followers for a reason. Go forth and become one of 'em, you'll be glad ya did!
Example: Maybe she's born with it... or maybe she's just a hideous monster wearing a shit ton of makeup. ~Maybelline
Example: God loves you unconditionally, under a few conditions. ~Jesus
Example: My daughter is scared to sleep in her room, wants me to look in the closet. F*ck that, there's monsters in there.
Example: Serious parental dilemma: We've put child locks on all the doors and windows but the kids manage to somehow get back inside.
ChristinaWilder - brilliantly sardonic dispatches from a disgruntled librarian. Has a misanthropic, anti-religious edge that's near and dear to my heart. I wonder if I have a sister who was separated at birth...
Example: Me: "That book's not available. The bookstore might have it." Patron: "But I don't want to spend money on it." Me: "Then you're fucked."
Example: I must be doing something right at work, no one's invited me to their church yet.
Example: I'll stop mocking your religion as soon as it stops infringing on civil rights for gays. Do we have a deal?
Example: I don't smoke, so I take "screaming" breaks at work.
Example: Quick, somebody tell me what part of my face invites small talk from strangers so I can cover it up.
Example: I was going to bring in cupcakes for everybody this morning, but then I remembered "fuck these people".
Finkelsteino - Solid and consistent clever-funny, and underrated. Another great one from Canada. Canada may be winning Twitter...
Example:Few things make me feel as bad about myself as the number of chopsticks included in my delivery order for one.
Example: Turns out it wasn't a half-baby half-shark hybrid. It was just a full shark with half a baby in its mouth.
Example: Really need to stop beginning pickup lines with, "I'm not a murderer."
Example: I can pretty much fall for any funny girl. No matter what they look like. No matter how many male sex organs they have.
Example: This farm is going to be the farm with all of my childhood pets on it. I just know it.
MiXtronicks - Good stuff that deserves a bigger audience. Tweets infrequently, but always delivers when he does.
Example: When I give a urine sample, I like to plop one of those little paper drink umbrellas in the pee cup just to brighten my nurse's day.
Example: My first bachelor pad was the carpet square I used for nap time in preschool.
Example: There's a hazardous oil slick on the street. Since I don't have orange cones to warn people, I outlined it with banana peels instead.
Example: First rule of Fiat Club: Don't talk about Fiat Club. Also: DON'T BUY A FIAT.
Example: Every time Shaquille O'Neal buys a new suit, there is one less parachute for our nation's military.
JennKirwin - Sharp, sly, smart stuff that deserves a much bigger audience. Make it so!
Example: I’m so self absorbed, today I talked to a stranger about my fabric softener for over five minutes before realizing he was jerking off.
Example: Don’t take this personally = I’m about to insult you politely.
Example: Don’t ask don’t tell should only be applied to plastic surgery and farts.
Rose0Justice - Witty stuff with a malcontented edge that appeals to me a lot. Underfollowed!
Example - I am perfectly happy trading a footrub for a blowjob and yet I'm still in bed alone tonight. I must be fat.
Example: My lotion smells like pie. Who wants to lick my arm? No, the left one; I'm already licking the right one.
Example: Hey, pretty & intelligent 18 year olds with a world full of promise ahead of you, this is where it all turns to shit.
Example: Do you people know what happens when you buy things without closely reading the label?! You end up buying vegan jerky, THAT'S what happens!
Ucancallmejenn - Solidly and consistently funny, one of those I go back and check every now and then to make sure I didn't miss anything.
Example: Is The Hunger Games when I sit in my front yard eating a cheeseburger and wave at the fat guy who walks the neighborhood?
Example: I only have three vodka martinis and it's all, "Please leave this establishment". Lady, who died and made you Queen of McDonald's PlayPlace?
DarioSpeedwagon - It's like somebody built a joke machine, set it to filter out everything but the A-list material, then switched it into high gear. Great!
Example: leftover birthday cake for brkfast is a bit unhealthy but not as unhealthy as that panicky, missing cake feeling my neighbor will wake up to
Example: i'm good with my knife & matches, thanks - castaway nixing a trade with the other person on the island, who brought his 10 favorite albums
Example: this stupid; resolve nothing - frustrated cavemen before the development of scissors & paper
Tycutt - This guy's rising quickly on Twitter and for good reason: his stuff's gold. I like it when people make me jealous.
Example: Fuck it, I'm gonna walk around naked at the next R-rated 3D movie and act like I'm part of the plot.
Example: What's the Chinese character for "neurodegenerative disease", or do they write like normal people once shit gets real?
Example: I think the barista who always gives me the wrong muffin believes we are a comedy team.
Example: Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a dickless generation I was born into.
LizHackett - really good, pro-quality stuff, worth studying!
Example: I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don't cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Example: "Oh ye... Oh."
-- silence as the Kool-Aid Man quietly backs out of Jonestown.
Example: It's always the wrong people who love being naked.
Example: Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
CrystalMoonable - a VERY generous re-tweeter with good taste in what she re-tweets. I like her own material a lot, though, and wish it were more frequent.
Example: I hate to dust so I tell people that my grandmother’s last wish was to have her ashes scattered around my house.
Example: My husband and I sat silently by the small campfire that we made after trying to assemble a wood table together.
CindyBegel - funny and smart material, often with a political edge (Democrat-leaning, of course - Republicans rarely know how to tell jokes)
Example: BF wants to set a trap for the mouse that just ran by. I wanna cut a hole in the wall & put mice-sized furniture for him & his family.
Example: Just found out they're using Dick Cheney's old heart to freeze warts off people who can't afford health insurance.
TheSnarkess - Attitude, and the cleverness to back it up!
Example: Christians are lucky cause their rules only apply to everybody else.
Example: Can I be twitter for Halloween? I'll just go naked, with a cucumber up my ass and a joint in my mouth. And tell dirty jokes all night.
Example: I mean seriously, y'all — what the fuck is wrong with Lyle Lovett's head?
aryuserius - You'd expect a guy with a green box on his head to say some funny stuff. And, you'd be right!
Example: Coke Zero
Well played Pepsi.
Example: The best sex for me is "make up" sex. It consists of me making up a story about me having sex.
Example: I always wake up with a hard on and crave coffee. So today I'm finally gonna do it! I'm gonna stick my dick in my coffee! Wish me luck!
Example: On a scale if 1-10 what's your favorite letter?
BedheadBunny - she's a nurse from an old romance novel. I think. What I know for sure is, she's funny!
Example: "Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy miniature horses being ridden by monkey in overalls. GOD I'M SO HAPPY!
Example: HEY I'm only 57 followers away from having my existence validated as a worthy person!
EddieCoins - A good dude with an original style. Lots of self-deprecation, but you'll like him better than he does! ;)
Example: Luckily I have great kids so I can be on twitter without having to wor... HEY! Either get that out of your mouth or turn the safety back on!
Example: I love bein bald. Theres no pressure to make decisions like: What kinda style should I get? Should I color it? Which hot girl should I bang?
Example: If I unfollowed people who didn't star my tweets very often, I'd be following about 8 people. I could literally follow them all in person.
VernacularShift - Being an educator at a state mental hospital is bound to give you a unique perspective on things, and this guy's got it. Helluva nice fella and often really funny. Lots of day-to-day events that get kind of a Harvey Pekar effect going. Check him out.
Example: To the Borscht Cave!
Example: There I stood, bathed in moonlight, taking pulls off a sparkling water, when, to my delight, nothing happened.
Mr. Letdown - regardless of the name, he will not let you down if you're lookin' for funny stuff. That's probably the lamest, most obvious introduction I could give, but it's still true so I'm goin' with it! You won't regret this follow.
Example: Why don't poltergeists ever just give people a pat on the back or a handjob. Nice people die too.
Example: The welcome mat at my house is ironic.
Example: Look, we'll probably never be sure how semen got into Alice from accounting's lunch salad, so let's just move on with our lives people.
Example: It's fun to go up to young couples shopping at Home Depot and whisper, "none of these light fixtures will keep love from dying."
DareDarilyn - Oddball stuff, not afraid to go for the silly (and it works!), then hit you with something surreal (which also works). You never know what you're gonna get, but it's always good. Awesome hair!
Example: Hopefully if I drink enough pesticide I'll finally be able to show those annoying butterflies who's the boss of this body.
Example: What am I having for dinner? My feelings.
Example: Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.
Example: Bruce Springsteen is 'The Boss'? Well, as an avid video-gamer, it is my job to defeat him.
Example: Making babies is too simple. If creating a person was more like calculus & less like recess? I'm willing to bet most of us wouldn't be here.
SamuelMoen - Quirky, funny stuff with an absurd edge, and I always like that. Lovably oddball.
Example: "IF U GIV ME A JOB I'LL EAT THIS TOWEL RIGHT IN FRONT OF U. U CAN PUT IT ON YOUTUBE" scrawled on a legal pad, xeroxed, and done. New Resume.
Example: Just ate a large crumb off my desk without even looking at it first. You could say I'm a little spontaneous ;-)
Example: I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy who's in front of a woman and then a couple and another guy. This Sbarro is unusually crowded.
Example: Curl up with a good book. Keep curling up. Like a hedgehog. Protect it until danger has passed! Look cute when you cautiously unfurl
FaisalAdam_ - Always, always a good guy. Incredibly likeable and has a unique, original style and vibe. Proof that you don't have to be an asshole to do well on Twitter.
Example: My friend thinks I'm paranoid... He didn't say it but I know that's what he's thinking.
I should prob shoot him now before he poisons me.
Example: I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
Example: In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking "how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads..."
Example: So I left my house today; a car narrowly hit a woman, another swerved into a ditch... Starting to think I should probably have worn pants.
Australianimal - How could you not love a guy named "Minty Wafflefarmer"? It's already funny and he hasn't even told you a joke yet! Check out the actual jokes and you'll get wacky off-the-wall stuff that's often genius.
Example - Someone said "Thank you" so i said "No, thank YOU!" It went back and forth like that for 8 days. I was the nicest. I won. They starved. Died
Example - Before twitter, i used to whisper weird things into a gopher hole in the back yard. That gopher left and i think that means he unfollowed me
Example: We call cauliflower "cobblyflower" up in this crib, so expect the highest level of fun if you enter our house. You can leave your shoes on.
MagpiePerkins - Witty and fun to talk to, an especially good bet if you like people to interact with.
Example: I had no clue there was cheating at Twitter. Then I started seeing the same jokes by different people and now my image of you guys is ruined
Example: I don't talk to myself in public, but I do make all the facial expressions to go along with the conversation in my head
Example: Look here you bunch of jackwagons. There is nothing weird about an adult skipping through the forest.
Example: There was a bug inside my shirt. If speed stripping was a career choice I would have a new future, filled with singles and regret.
00example00 - Funny and real, and sexy without overkilling it and sounding desperate (which a lot of people on Twitter have no idea how to do, even though some try to make that their whole act). Being damn cute doesn't hurt.
Example: There probably wouldn't be as many teen suicides if people would stop telling them that high school will be the best years of their life.
Example: Wings? The only thing red bull gave me was an irregular heart beat and violent twitching.
Example: I prefer to do my stalking undetected. At least up until the point where you wake up tied to my bed.
Example: Mastered the art of cooling off food by holding it between my teeth and breathing in hastily, so I don't burn my tongue. I know. I'm sexy.
UrplePingo - Wacky-funny, hits ya with surprises that you'll wish you'd thought up.
Example: When twitter isn't working I go to the bus station men's room and whisper my terrible secrets from a locked stall to anyone who will listen.
Example: My 3 year old just said he wants to be a fire engine when he grows up so I just spent his college fund on beer & pizza.
Example: It's such a double standard how chicks masturbating is hot but guys masturbating makes my wife shield our children's eyes til I'm done.
Example: Relax. Breath in nice & deep & just hold it there. Hold it. Keep holding it. Keep holding. I'm trying to kill you.
PuddingBoobs - Personable, funny, and friendly, even when she's being lovably misanthropic. And there are moments of real wisdom in there, too. There's a good reason she's got so many followers. An important part of anybody's Twitter experience, you'd do well to follow her.
Example: Its ok if you have a small dick, someone will still love you anyway. Not me, but someone will.
Example: There is something incredibly liberating in the moment you finally realize how important you're not to someone.
Example: You're emotionally handicapped and completely unavailable? I guess I have no option other than dedicating all of my time and energy to you.
ShazzaLM - Excellent Tweeter, very supportive and funny. Spend any time on Twitter and you'll see that eye around a lot, and you should click it and follow it.
Example: Why did the chicken cross the road? Who let the dogs out? Is Unicorn bacon crispy? Since being on Twitter I'm filled with existential angst.
Example: Twitter Elite Barbie - Comes with her own iPhone, boob avi, 20k followers, bonus features and Ken doll duct taped in Dream Mansion basement.
Example: I sometimes confuse my walk of shame with my happy dance.
OldSadBastard - Quirky and different stuff here (most of us find 140 characters hampering, but Henry likes trying to cut 'em down to 70!). You're gonna need to use your brain to follow this one, but try it - that can be fun!
Example: You can talk about this "walk of shame" all you want, but it can't compare to buying booze twice from the same clerk working the same shift.
Example: Something rapping at my chamber door. Turns out it's a moth. I said, aloud, "Go into the light, Carol Anne." All moths are named Carol Anne.
Example: Fresh off his triumph, Romney strode confidently through the crowd, sucking stray popcorn bits up from the floor, like his Roomba ancestors.
Example: I like when the apartment manager gives me a flyer, because then I have scrap paper for tweet ideas, or else something to correct and grade.
Aspersioncast - For some reason, this guy gets targeted by haters and idiots. I don't know why, because he's been nothing but cool, and he's got good material. Must be jealousy on their part because he's got a pretty high follower count. Guess what? He earned 'em! You could do worse than being one of 'em. Generous with up-and-coming people on Twitter.
Example: I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
Example: Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day,
but give a woman a compliment & you could eat for a fucking week.
Example: If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
Example: When a girl says, "I think we should talk," it's never about the Bat Mobile.
TGIJeff - Top-notch, solid, original hilarity!
Example: Every night before I fall asleep I like to whisper to myself, "Annnnnnndddd scene."
Example: I am legitimately worried that people will start to lose interest in Betty White, forcing her to release a sex tape to stay relevant
Example: Dear white people: When you're at the club, you don't have to take instructions in songs so literally
Example: Child protective services has kindly requested that I stop referring to cemeteries as playgrounds
Marebytes - Funny and real, cool person. There's no way you won't like this one.
Example: Yeah, a twitter crush a half a world away is a great idea. Because apparently, emotionally unavailable just isnt enough for me.
Example: So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?
Example: I just returned from a mile long walk in your shoes and well, I still think you're a douche
TamiCruickshank - Underfollowed lovable oddball. Full of surprises, which are often reaaaaally funny! Needs to be doing this stuff for a bigger audience.
Example: happy as a clam, in a sandwich, about to be eaten (not happy just scared, not sure why i'm still alive)
Example: See a mushroom in the forest? Eat it to figure out what it is.
Example: a barnacle sticks to a bar, bartender doesnt notice and nothing happens
Example: I quit. but i’m not going to tell anyone and i’m just gonna keep working.
ItsMattRVA - New to me, but he made a good impression fast - there's lots of funny stuff here. Very underfollowed, so I'm hoping to help fix that.
Example: Why are the Power Rangers always trying to beat up members of GWAR?
Example: A trip to Home Depot is never complete without another trip to Home Depot.
Example: The best part about being the drummer is being able to fart whenever you want.
Example: I’d be really pissed if someone turned me into a vampire before I had a chance to lose a bunch of weight.
SpecialSquid - One of those unique minds you don't run across nearly often enough. He's a talented artist and a loveable weirdo. Hey, he's Karen Tozzi's brother... and you can tell! Can recommendations come any hire? If you like weird Twitter, this is top shelf. Very underfollowed.
Example: It started as just a hobby but I think I'm ready to make the transition to "professional" wood gatherer.
Example: Anyone know where I can get a defective child's parachute?
Example: Today I'm going to go down a slide, eat a hundred ice cream cones and ride a flying dinosaur to my aunts house.
Example: Come by the church tomorrow, I'll be out front selling pencils and soul diapers.
Example: nothing sadder than a one man pillow fight
Example: God like status is really great. I just hate the giant gong sound every time I sit down.
Corrosivebaker - Odd stuff, weird and often damn funny!
Example: DAMN! That chick looks totally DTHHCMGTAFM (Down to hold hands, cuddle, maybe go to a farmers market)
Example: 4 out of 5 women surveyed say I have the best Batman action figure collection they have ever seen. Thanks mom's bridge club! Fuck you Lisa
Example: Working out is my drug. And by that I mean I only do it occasionally and it always makes me sweaty and nauseous
Example: My ideal pornography would just be videos of people saying nice things about me
Example: Sometimes I put paperclips on my fingertips while typing & pretend I'm a Latina receptionist working to provide for 3 kids & a deadbeat BF
Bryanjames_ - Underfollowed, which is too bad because there's some brilliant stuff here that people are missing out on. Go now and fix that!
Example: Why do some people feel the need to yodel when they yawn. Fuck off with that.
Example: I've been asked not to store my ice cream inside other people's pockets anymore.
Example: I asked for no salt in my Chinese meal and they just gave me a plate.
Example: If you thinks it’s a good idea to practice amateur dentistry on your loved ones to save money make sure the chainsaw is switched on first.
Chembro73 - Definitely from the dark side, funny-disturbo serial killer stuff. Shock-horror-twistoid-comedy, but a good bloke around all that. You will laugh, AND you will feel guilty, and I'm a fan of that combination. If you love the word "cunt," this guy will make you soooooo happy!
Example: Turns out those tampon adverts are true, I just shoved 1 up my arse and now I can rollerskate, paraglide and act like a total slut. AWESOME
Example: My condom broke during sex last night, I panicked at first but then I burst out laughing after thinking how funny the puppies would look.
Example: Before Twitter came along I had to go round door to door putting photo's of my dick through peoples letterbox's.
MollySneed - it's always cool when nice people are also funny, or sometimes just insightful. That's what you've got here. Recommended!
Example: Binging on Mexican food and Margaritas is like kicking back a little Mountain Dew + AntiFreeze. Ahh, the sweet taste of slow, certain death.
Example: I've never wanted anyone as much as I don't want you.
Example: I'm glad you're learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Fuckerbot - Very funny, often twisted 'n' weird, and underfollowed. If you like 'em strange you'll want on board this.
Example: Look officer, I don't know what to say. When I came to, these cats were just duct-taped to me like furry lingerie.
Example: Are you kidding? I just got this damn thing in there comfortably so there's no way I'm pulling this stick out of my ass now.
Example: Where did I get so many socks?!? Oh wait, nevermind, I was confusing these jellybeans for socks.
Example: It seems like such a hassle to have collect and distil my urine just to feed my baby. Is there an easier way to do this?!?
Example: It turns out the voices in my head telling me to do things are really just me, thinking about doing stuff.
Cheeseboy22 - Solid, solid material. Never wastes your time. I'm thinking of actually doing this next time I go to Subway:
Example: Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"
Example: If you are proud of your follower count, know my 33yo brother lives with my parents, tweets ONLY about Star Trek & has over 8,000 followers
Example: Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.
Example: Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.
TheSchmeltz - I've only been following this guy a brief time, but that's still long enough to recommend 'im. Good material and a nice fella.
Example: "What's my motherf*ckin' name?" - Snoop Dogg in 50 years with Alzheimers.
Example: Jessie's Girl would be about 50 years old now. And I imagine chain smoking Newports and wearing an "Ocean City '84" teeshirt.
Example: My grandmother really just said, "That's how I do." I really shouldn't have gotten her that "Thug Life" tattoo for her birthday.
WaterBaker - Funny, clever, and has her own style which keeps it interesting.
Example: If you're dating a nice guy and someone else in the world is also dating a nice guy, there is a huge chance that they're the same person.
Example: I'm sorry I made you cry. I feel like such an onion!
Example: Let’s make a mistake. We can learn from it later.
Example: There are those that are wise. Then there are those that are otherwise.
Teensymcsprite (or, as I think of her, Chrysalis Ninja). Always cool, funny, engaging, interesting, introspective, and someone you oughtta be checking out. Not one-dimensional.
Example: Back off. There's no "we" in pizza.
Example: If you can turn my twinkly, giggly, girly laugh into a snort, I love you.
Example: Happy birthday, Bram Stoker. I apologize for Twilight's existence.
Example: "Sometimes when you move inside me, this overwhelming sensation takes hold and my eyes just roll back in ecstasy." - Me, to this Q-tip.
Example: "Please don't smile at me if you don't have teeth. It's fucking gross." – Me, to the newborn baby next door.
Classy_Cassy89 - An interesting mix of stuff. Lots of it funny, lots of it insightful. You'll get a dirty joke, then a motto you might want tattooed on ya. Honesty you've gotta respect.
Example: My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
Example: Someone asked me where the Jack-in-the-Box was today and I handed them my keys and said the car would drive itself there.
Example; If you do kegels in pajama jeans with a camel toe while eating bacon, you're a living tweet.
Buck4itt - Great, intelligent material, and a generous promoter of other Tweeters. Class act.
Example: There's no i in "team." Or "orgasm." Or "sex." Or "beer." Or "sports." Or "porn." The letter i is kind of a buzzkill. Fuck the letter i.
Example: If young boys could get pregnant, the Catholic Church would have a TOTALLY different view on birth control.
Example: If you are a woman talking to me about your cat and I'm still listening after 30 seconds, consider yourself fucking gorgeous.
Example: This guy on the bus is giving me a really creepy look. What a degenerate. It's almost enough to make me take my hand off his genitals.
Robyn_Vo - Attitude, and she's not afraid to shock ya, but that's not all there is to it. You'll like 'er.
Example: God created everyone equal, then he put a dick on the stupid ones.
Example: I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn't tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Example: I'm just your average girl, I love laughing, chocolate, flowers, and I do the jack off hand motion when I tell someone to suck my dick.
Example: I'm convinced the guy on the Pringles containers is really just Mr. Monopoly in his prime
BlaqueJaque - Relatively new to me, but I'm likin' him a lot so far. Looks a little underfollowed to me, so why don't ya'll do something about that? Click!
Example: Just saw a punkass gangsta wannabe flip me da bird. I got all hard on him, turned my head & shunned him AMISH STYLE then rolled in my buggy
Example: "Her nipples were quite hairy..." - the opening to my next self-help novel. Gripping stuff, right?
Example: I drive with air conditioner on full blast and the windows open cuz the world needs to chill the fuck out
Adoriaz - I love stuff like this. :) I used to do stuff like this, although I doubt anybody I currently hang with has been around me online long enough to remember my "Pietro, The Small Latverian Boy" character ("Our monarch is the iron-clad Dr. Doom! My country chief export is the producing many decorative gourds and topographic maps, which Latverian boys collect as my American friends collect baseball cards! In Latveria most beautiful woman is considered the Molly Ringwald, although I understand no is the case here.") Anyway, this is kinda like that. She's (supposed to be) Italian, or possibly Greek, I believe, and there's a Borat vibe and some good Engrish going on, but it's not mean-spirited at all... ya gotta check it out.
Example: If not follow Adoriaz Twitter then you probably mean person who sometime hurt kitten and like see woman cry. This not nice thing! Fix now!
Example: Here good tip! If man hurt or mean you put 10 plastic bag over head and hit with hammer. Work all time and no mess!
Example: Keep secret! Okay? Adoriaz brother in bad head hospital because he unicorn or pyromaniac. Not sure because mister doctor speak Italy.
Example: One thing more! Why when step on rock without shoe it always pointy? Adoriaz make you think! You think! Adoriaz little sleep now.
Example: Use bicycle all life. Adoriaz leg strong like oak. When she kick man hot potato between legs it turn mashed potato. Zbam! Like magic!
TheMightyFool - Very cool "comedy type person" with some very bewildering, off-the-wall stuff that you're gonna love.
Example: My current fitness level is pudding.
Example: When people label themselves "free spirits," I imagine they are simply at peace with being incredibly annoying.
Example: Well I hit 800, and now I can say that I am not here to make you laugh, but have been waiting for this moment to talk you about Jesus.
PhilNista - Much funnystuff going on here, with a definite oddball slant. Great if you're looking for something different! Underfollowed.
Example: "And where there is one set of footprints and two wavy lines, it's where I was rollerblading. Because I'm Jesus. I can rollerblade on sand."
Example: Weird that Magic Johnson had that nickname way before he survived with AIDS for like twenty years. Perhaps he flew as a child.
Example: So my neighbor got stabbed yesterday. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Seriously, if he was any nicer, I wouldn't have stabbed him.
RobertPlankton - I like this guy. His stuff's out there... it's kind of stream-of-a-very-strange-consciousness. You don't know where it's coming from, but you know there's nothing bad driving it. A lot of it hits you as funny, or sometimes deep, and you don't really know why. You ain't gonna be bored.
Example: THERE ARE NO RULES IN THE PLANT WORLD AND I'M SCARED!
Example: 'Haha, that's a funny thought. I think I'll keep it to myself.' - Sobriety
Example: I think I'm too good at making fun of myself.
LOLGOP - some of the best political humor on Twitter, a must-follow if you're fed up with Republicans. How good is this? The motherfucker unfollowed me and I'm STILL recommending him! How's that?
DothTheDoth - Strange and off-kilter stuff with more subtlety and finesse to it than your average Tweeter... which, o' course, is a really good thing. Style is hard to come by! Definitely worth checking out.
Example: When life gives you lemons, it's protecting you from scurvy.
Example: Someday our children will ask us how we stood idle and did nothing while John Mayer released single after single.
Example: Confession. Wireless printing still oddly reeks of witchcraft.
Example: To the forlorn, vacant-eyed cartoon woman on my cereal box: Let me love you. We could leave this horrible place.
Drangula - There's something unique going on here. Oddball, funny stuff, with occasional mini-reviews of movies. Stands out from the pack.
Example: Once I had my finger in the Pillsbury Doughboy, I'd never take it out.
Example: Still waiting to hear back from the publishers to find out which ones are interested in a collection of my YouTube comments.
Example: I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid.
Example: Let's throw caution to the winds and then frantically scramble to retrieve it.
Example: I asked for a "coff of cuppee" by mistake at the diner, and everyone laughed. I laughed, too, and then I shot up the place.
BunnyDurden - Dare I say... funnybunny? Yep, I'll go there, since it's true! And there's a touch of misanthropy that's near & dear to what would be my heart if I had one.
Example: Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Example: If opinions are like assholes, you're an opinion.
Example: Googling yourself just proves that compared to other people with your name, you're a failure.
Example: The fact that there's people in public really just ruins it for me.
Example: It amazes me every day that I can find new ways to hate humans.
OhItsAnaAgain - Oddball humor with an original twist. Reminds me a little of IAmEnidColeslaw, and it's not just the bangs - it's the inventiveness. Definitely check her out - she's underfollowed!
Example: Hey guys, when I reach 200 followers, PIPE CLEANER GLASSES FOR EVERYBODY!!!
Example: Look, we all have our little demons to battle. Mine likes to live under my arms and in my backfat.
Example: This dance is only for the sexy people
*dance floor parts to reveal me doing the robot with a buffalo wing in my mouth*
Example: I'm like the rogue French fry in the McDonald's bag of your soul.
AnacardioRosso - Lotsa funny stuff here, and she's not afraid to throw some surprises at you. Fun, and that's what it's about.
Example: Somebody should do a study that finds out the suicide rates of people who were finalists on America's Funniest Home Videos.
Example: Just briefly entertained a friend's baby by waving my arms at it and telling it that the ice caps are melting so it had better learn to swim
Example: Let's open the Dustbin of History, see what's in there. OH MY GOD IT'S SPIDERS THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF HISTORY'S FORGOTTEN SPIDERS
Example: I like to yell ''Behold!!'' before I show someone a thing.
VoiceOfGarth - Killer stuff, which often has a point to it, which is always a good thing. And politically on the side of the good guys.
Example: I'm not gay but I support their "agenda" - working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Example: Sarah Palin's new book is called "Undefeated." On a related note, Casey Anthony's new book is coming out soon. Titled: Joys of Motherhood.
Example: If I had a dime for every time I said "If I had a nickel," I'd have twice as much theoretical money.
Example: Newt Gingrich says he could never support gay marriage. Why not ? It's the only one he hasn't tried.
Example: I'm watching golf on TV. Later I'll count my paper clip collection. After, I'll go through the phone book and cross off the dead people.
VoiceOfReason25 - Solid funny, consistently good, and something you should definitely check out.
Example: Everyone seems so interesting until you start talking to them.
Example: Saw an old friend today, he didn't say much, just stared in confusion. I hate mirrors.
Example: No, I'm not "gangsta", I'm walking like that because I shit my pants.
Example: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words really get to the core of your insecurities.
Example: You know you have issues when you can't stop the microwave until it's on a number that's divisible by 5.
swollenvoice - If you spend any time on Twitter you'll notice this guy showing up again and again. That's because he's always giving props to people and being active helping out up-and-comers. And also laying out some hilarious material.
Example: Do not mix LSD with Cocaine. The last thing you want with a hallucinogen is confidence.
Example: Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Example: I'm a bed wetter, but I also sleepwalk. On a good night I can pee in multiple beds.
SquirrelJustice - Always funny and uniquely so. Got her own strange style goin' and I like it.
Example: Guess what overeaters? You're not anonymous.
Example: Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut, I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you. Let me in, Boo.
Example: Oh what a tangled web we weave when we ingest a bunch of opiates and try to operate a loom.
Example: This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.
DishTank - Another underfollowed one. Lotsa great stuff going by here with not nearly enough of ya reading it. Deserves a much bigger audience - be part of it!
Example: "Hello. I have six balls and screw Mexicans twice a week." - Mega Millions
Example: When people say they heart something I want to foot their head.
Example: If you use more than three words to order a drink at Starbucks, you're a dick.
Example: You're right, babe. It's the PHONE that's retarded.
Example: I bet the best part about working with animals is you can fart all day and just point at the sea lion.
ElKnuckelHombre - This dude deserves a follow just for submitting to that face-in-a-urinal pic in his avi. That's more dedication to being funny than I've got. Unless, o' course, that's not him in the picture. But even then he still deserves a follow just 'cuz he's fuckin' funny. Go do it!
Example: We could slow down global warming if on one day each year everybody on the planet cranked up their AC and left their windows open all day.
Example: I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
Example: My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said "HELP ME!". It was not.
Example: I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
JeffTWinston - Strange, hilarious stuff! You like strange? If not, what the fuck ya doin' on Twitter? Check this guy out!
Example: Spring cleaning today. Probably time to get rid of all these stovepipe hats I haven't worn since college.
Example: Well, I guess it's officially spring now. (Mel Gibson just scurried into my attic dragging a huge egg sac. SMH)
Example: If someone asks what you’re doing today, grab a knife & yell "SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!" Sounds way cooler than "Napping!"
Example: My son is just growing up so fast! He’s actually older than me now. It’s really creepy.
Example:Thinking of getting cat whiskers tattooed on my face, so when I walk around with Bugles on my finger tips it will make sense to people.
Example: Which of the 7 habits of highly effective people is it where you spend all morning clapping along to YouTube videos of "Dueling Banjos"?
DrearyDoug - FUNNY Doug is more like it! Check him out and I think you'll agree, but you won't admit to it because what I said right there was pretty cheesy. Underfollowed.
Example: I'm pretty sure the way my sister just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.
Example: All the time I spent learning penmanship would have been better spent on a subject with a more promising future like Alchemy or VCR repair.
Example: Thanks Grandma for the birthday gift of $5. I'll be thinking of you for as long as this three pack of Dentyne Ice lasts.
Example: My perfect day starts with a large cup-o-Joe then onto Walmart to watch their ongoing Mobility Scooter powered Walrus-Shaped People Parade.
AliciaHawkes - funny, quirky, strange, unique, and grows on you the more you read her. I'd check this one out if'n I was you. And I am, you solipsist, you!
Example: Who's the fat president whose girth exceeds standard bath tub width? Taft! You damn right.
Example: My dream is for nobody else's dream to come true either.
Example: Guess how many math I know. Fourteen!
Example: Of course dragons are Jesuses. That’s just basic physics.
Example: Kindergarten, recess. Friend said she had something to show me. Led me around the corner & solemnly pointed to some dog shit on the ground.
Sanndoo -Very cool and weirdly funny! Does some work with Karen Tozzi, and you gotta have chops to do that!
Example: Ani DiFranco is in my kitchen and she is shaving her accordian player's head. I'm next.
Example: Open letter to Sweet 'n' Low: You will most likely need to find a new product when my parents die because you will go out of business.
Example: Need to change clothes to run to Walmart. Now where's my capris, toothpaste-stained sweatshirt and crocs, goddamnit?!?
Example: When are Christians gonna get with it and start selling blood-filled bath beads so we can be washed in the blood of Christ anytime?
LtFrankDrebbin - pretty sure it's not the same dude from Police Squad 'cuz that fella's dead, but this guy's so damn funny so it doesn't matter!
Example: Hey Gatorade: you can quit spending millions naming your drinks...they are called whatever color they are
Example: My wife just walked in and called me immature, I told her that she better get off the floor before the lava gets her
Example: Dear Fat Guy Buying ONLY a plunger at 11:35 at night at Wal-Mart: Thanks for making me feel better about my self!
Example: Hey guys, Just got a letter from my doctor, I hate Roman Numerals...Does anyone know what number is HIV?
Terdoh - Smart and funny and sometimes just a wee-bit twisted, grade-A stuff!
Example: I typed "Cigarettes" in the search bar and it said "No Matches".
The universe has spoken.
Example: The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.
Example: Any chick that has hand sanitizer in her purse will hide your body where nobody will ever find it.
Example: Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
SeanCliver - Sean clever! Funny, weird, off-the-wall stuff you should definitely check out.
Example: to whom it may concern: in event of eulogy, i'd appreciate it if i could be referred to as the john coltrane of sloth and time mismanagement
Example: order of the day: first sever all emotional ties to the shockingly huge pool of drool i woke up in this morn. then find missing chromosome.
Example: if danzig pokes his head out tonight, sees his shadow by moonlight, and ducks back in, we will have two more months of children in heat.
TheBMD1 - Very cool Twitter neighbor and fun to interact with. Always fun replies! Sticks mostly to replies, but they're always funny.
Example: Just sandwiched a Milkyway mini between 2 pretzels, so yes,I am expecting that call from #TheFoodNetwork any day now.
Example: Someone invented the bacon sundae and no one tells me until now? I hate all of you!
Marlespo - She can sling some hilarious stuff at you out of nowhere! A reigning queen of hashtag games. Fun to interact with, too.
Example: 5 yr old just crawled into bed with me & is sleep-talking "what's your name? I like yellow hot wheels the best." is he on a dream date?
Example: What do other people think about at 3am I hope it's cannibalism otherwise I'm weird.
Example: Do abandoned Baby Power Rangers get sent to Mighty Morphanages? ( ps I love my brain )
Example: You may NOT keep live squirrels chained in your refrigerator dressed in ADORABLE homemade fuzzy caps &mittens #MadeUpLaws #LearnedTheHardWay
MoralSauce - A very generous re-tweeter with good taste, and damn funny in her own right. A very cool addition to anybody's timeline!
Example: I can tell I’m aging. I had to practically throw myself in the back of this guy’s van last night.
Example: I think I'm allergic to my new beaded bracelet. I should probably take it out of my butt.
Example: You guys wouldn't jack off to my avi if you knew how small my boobs are or how big my dick is.
Example: Having 4 cats in your house doesn't bother me.
It bothers me that they’re dead, stuffed, and dressed as KISS.
Kalarlis - Original and often pretty raw funnystuff. Your grandma probably won't like it, but I bet you will.
Example: shit i lost the instructions to my shampoo and now there's blood EVERYWHERE
Example: My friend Tom just told me you can die from acid. I just laughed & laughed cause Tom has been dead for 6 yrs so this must be some good shit.
Example: "I don't understand how science works." - Christians
Example: Him: I have a big surprise for you in my pants.
Me: Please be french fries please be french fries please be-nope that's a dick.
Me: Please be french fries please be french fries please be-nope that's a dick.
LawbsterSaid - ... a lotta funny stuff, that's what he said! Go check it out, you'll like!
Example: It's not "Adam and Steve." It's also not "Adam and Eve" either because they're fictional characters in a really poorly thought out book.
Example: People tell me I come off as cocky, and I respond "It's cockAYY!" and then I slap the books out of their hand and check myself in a mirror.
Example: If you see my ex tell her I hope her mullet gets caught in the cotton candy machine at work tomorrow & they have to close the whole carnival
Example: It doesn't bother me if a person doesn't like The Ramones, they're not for everybody. Idiots, for example, probably can't stand The Ramones.
LuckyJack - Smart, funny, and well worth your time. Check 'im out!
Example: To err is human, to expose the wit of the situation in 140 characters, takes finesse.
Example: Thing to do:
1) Get rid of that spot on the floor from the dead mouse that you didn't find for a year.
2) Find anything to do but that.
Example: Give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. Give a woman an inch, you better have flowers and candy as well.
DiscoKen - very cool, funny dude, A-plus material and good to his followers. You should be one of 'em!
Example: If I ever get Alzheimer's, I want someone to put a cape on me and tell me every morning that I used to be superman.
Example: Single guys want to know what its like to be married? Play an episode of Rosanne at full volume and try to masturbate while crying.
Example: Girls are the most gentle, soft, beautiful creatures that, in an instant, can turn into the scariest thing in the universe & crush ur soul.
Example: Accidentally picked up a can of "Kiss ass" instead of "whoop ass" but let me tell you this, you guys are all fucking beautiful & hilarious.
MyPetShadow - a true specialist in made-up facts! He's practically a Wikipedia of things that didn't happen! Great at other hashtag games, too. Lots of quirky funnystuff here, gets kinda addictive.
Example: According to legend, if I student ever swings 360 degrees around a swing set, it will usher in the era of Eternal Recess.
Example: The sky is blue because no one sings to it anymore.
Example: "Alien" was inspired by the writer's experience eating one of those toy dinosaurs that grows when put in a glass of water. #MadeUpFacts
WhatTheMuff - Very original approach to hilarity, capable of throwing things out that make you go "Where the heck did THAT come from, and why have I never thought of that before?" Maybe because you're not naughty enough! Good stuff.
Example: "Waiter, theres a soup in my hair! BAHAHA just kidding buddy! Here... here's a tip for being a good sport. Go buy yourself something nice."
Example: For my husband and I, trying to decide where to go to lunch is like Nancy Grace and Casey Anthony meeting face to face at Baby Gap.
Example: I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling be.
Example: It's nice when a bro helps another bro out. Like if one has a coffee and a phone the other bro will hold his penis at the urinal. Right?
Example: Just once I want to yell, "Tonight, we dine in HELL!" at my neighbors house as we're forced to listen to their new parent stories.
Shatty48 - Heavy hitter! Has lots of followers, and for a very good reason. Definitely recommended!
Example: In Virginia, Moose head is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Example: Don't tell me to make myself at home & then bitch about me not wearing pants & getting crumbs on your couch. I'll have to ask you to leave.
Example: I tried to get out of my speeding ticket by cupping the officers balls. She just wrote me out a second ticket for not wearing my glasses.
Example: Waiting for my OBGYN to stick his face closer so I can slam my knees together like a bear trap turning this into a gynecological adventure.
Daisyyhan (or, now known as Dayzeedaze )- Always cool, always smartly funny. Try her, you'll like her!
Example: Game show idea: name the other members of Maroon 5 and win a million dollars.
Example: One time this guy was pouring his heart out to me, so I squeezed his shoulder and said "you're eating all my hummus. I JUST bought that."
Example: I'd love to be someone's sassy gay friend so I can openly judge them and all their decisions, and it's still cute.
Example: Don't become my friend unless you're fully prepared for me to be frighteningly militant about high fives.
Example: If you're lacking in self loathing go through your old FB statuses and recall that time you announced you had a bagel for breakfast. YUM!
SardonicDroll - better known as Sergeant Ninja Dick. Lots of really funny stuff here that you should definitely be checking out, especially if you like 'em tending toward the R-rated edge o' things.
Example: Slam them coins down into the "leave a penny take a penny" tray when the ladies are around to show you mean businesssssss
Example: As the jet starts to go down the pilot tries to eject, but the seat reclines & a footrest pops out. He dies crashing to earth, comfy as fuck
Example: Scratched the "I" off of my "PUMPING IRON" T shirt so dudes stop talking to me in the gym locker room. Larry is acting kinda jealous though
Example: I farted at a Bass Pro Shop and got 8 high fives and 12 new followers.
Example: The best way to tell if a man is addicted to masturbation is if you look at his hands and you see his cock.
HeyZeus666 - Hey, ya can't go wrong with a guy with 666 in his handle, right? Collect us all! :)
Example: I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.
Example: With 500 billion pages of porn on the internet, do you honestly think I joined Twitter to stare at your AVI's cleavage?
Example: I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.
Example: Anyone who says, 'Don't take it seriously, it's only Twitter', never sat on the end of their bed sobbing after a subtweet about their cat.
Example: Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.
OG_Morgasm - or, as I think of her, Morgan, the Captain. Brand new so she doesn't have a lot of followers yet, but if this is a righteous world at all that's going to be a very temporary situation. Get on board early so you can say you were there from the ground floor.
Example: "OMG I can't believe they already wrote a book after that Gatsby movie!" Don't walk to your car alone girl. I will punch you in the left tit
Example: To my friend who just had a "baby." Congrats on birthing your parasite. Hopefully it gets your tits and ass or it might die alone...
Example: Now do you tell the lady waxing your butthole that you've had explosive diarrhea the past 12 hrs? Or prepare a large tip?
Example: First blind date is tomorrow. I hope he doesn't get mad if I instagram pics of me and his seeing eye dog the whole time!
Example: When I said I liked doggy style I meant licking my own crotch then awkwardly staring at you for 7 min if you walk in on me before continuing
Sarcazm2 - It'd be okay if the unhappy-face-made-out-of-eggs avi was the funniest thing on the timeline, 'cuz that's hilarious... but the tweets are even funnier!
Example: Sure, go ahead and have your "sex." I'll have just as much fun jumping up and down on my mattress trying to spill this wine glass.
Example: Baby's new high chair has wheels. She makes me push her around the house while she pretends she's Stephen Hawking.
Example: I hate to point it out but ... people used to get paid to write material as creative and funny as the stuff you people post on here.
WhyJerryWhy - From his bio: "Loveable Misanthrope, Gay Superdad." And, I'd add, all-around good guy. Been one of my favorites on Twitter from my early days there. Lots of funny observations, plus informative & entertaining links to his blog about being a gay dad. No way you won't like this fella.
Example: The Giving Tree is basically an instruction manual for raping the environment, which also suggests the environment secretly loves it.
Example: I'm really disappointed they chose not to go with the subtitle "Scream 4: Ice Cream".
Example: Yeah, keep talking, Teenagers Sitting Behind Me At The Hunger Games. We can make this happen for real, you know.
Example: I bet M. Night Shyamalan films himself every Xmas Eve so when his kids learn he's Santa he can show them all the obvious clues they missed.
WilliamAder - This guy's style sometimes reminds me of BadBanana, and if I have to tell you how good that is, you need to go follow him AND BadBanana right now.
Example: Sometimes I'll send a tweet, notice a typo in it, delete it, re-send it, notice a different typo, unplug computer, change my name and move.
Example: It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Example: Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.
GiantBrain275 - I better let him tell ya, from his bio - "big hot sexy redneck. i live in a trailer park. i'm not having a yard sale so put my crap back on my porch." If you like People of Wal-Mart, you'll love Ernest! The more you read him, the more you get into the vibe and the funnier it gets.
Example: bought me a bible at walmarts and a pirate hat and a big spoon
Example: i got kicked out of a nudist camp for pointing
Example: I thought Taco Bell was a phone company
Example: When I was a kid, my parents gave me a stick for Christmas. I loved my Christmas stick
Example: i don't need viagra for sex. i take it to keep from rolling out of bed
Blarebare - Funny stuff and lots of it, and fun to interact with, you'll like this one.
Example: Wal-Mart greeters love competition, so stand in front of them and greet people before they do.
Example: Most kids were afraid that the boogeyman or Dracula would get them. I was afraid that the rhythm would get me, thanks, Gloria Estefan
Example: The pet groomer didn't appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the "happy ending".
Example: Crossing guards have it way too easy. Let's change that.
AbsintheFairie - Odd, cool, and often hilarious, sometimes serious, always worth reading. Definitely one to check out!
Example: I would do anything for love, but I wouldn't do Meatloaf.
Example: I liked Facebook better when I wasn't obligated to be friends with people like my oil change guy & my great aunt Bea's pomeranian.
Example: Bacon cheeseburgers: Because sometimes you just need to tell your heart to go fuck itself.
Example: I love that people who bought Hummers back when gas was cheap to look cool just look like poor decision makers now.
PartyVita - I've been a PartyVita fan since, jeez! And jeez was a long time ago. She's really sporadic with a tendency to take Twitter-vactaions, so you're lucky if she tweets, but it's worth it to be there when she does.
Example: Religion is a hateway drug.
Example: One fun thing about an expensive education is realizing people are still more impressed that you can put your feet behind your head.
Example: This girl told me there's a word for people like me in her language. I didn't even know fat people had their own language.
Example: Oops..I see the maid helped herself to one of the brownies I left out to cool. LOL might as well see if she wants to watch Space Jam with me
Example: The waiter asked if we want bottled water and my response was "whatever you have on tap" and the intervention will be any day now
Kalarlis - Funny, raw, and definitely worth your time if you're not timid!
Example: Not only is using a blow drier instead of toilet paper more environmentally friendly, it feels neat.
Example: My friend Tom just told me you can die from acid. I just laughed & laughed cause Tom has been dead for 6 yrs so this must be some good shit.
Example: Finally told my boyfriend I fucked his dad. Unsure how he'll take it but I bet the ":-(" at the end of the text will really soften the blow.
Example: "I don't understand how science works." - Christians
AComicTragedy - it won't be a tragedy if you follow this one, trust me. Good stuff!
Example: Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you'd like to meet Him.
Example: Yes. I know they say that 4 hour erection might be bad for you. But. Why does it always have to be about *you*?
Example: Shh. Quiet now, sweetheart. I'll tell you the safe word.
LateForDinner3 - brand-spankin' newbie so you can be one of the first followers. Hasn't put out much stuff yet, but I've been impressed with what I've seen.
Example: Anybody here not heard about Jesus? Anyone? Last chance--really, anyone? Okay, then, Baptists? You can back the fuck off now.
Example: "Frankly, my asshat dear, I shithole don't give fuckstick a damn cockbite"--Tourette Butler
Example: I have a feeling that Snooki's baby won't be the first dude to come out from between her legs screaming.
CatsForDinnerz - New to me, but I'm loving her stuff already. Quirky, funny, it works for me!
Example: The beauty of coming from a dysfunctional family is that nothing you do has to make sense.
Example: Worked out so hard my eye is twitching. You'd think it was my first time opening a sleeve of Ritz.
Example: If you would just give me a chance I could show you a mediocre time.
Example: I asked a friend to move to Minnesota since he's already frozen his balls off in a freak wart-removing accident.
ScottHellRising - witty with some wacky thrown in to spice it up. Good stuff!
Example: If I ever get hit by a car while I'm walking across the street I WILL shit my pants. Be warned drivers.
Example: Sometimes I look around at my neighbors and think, these are the assholes I have to team up with when the zombie apocalypse happens?
Example: I'm on at least 5 different social networks right now managing my empire of utter and complete bullshit.
ScottLinnen - Sometimes odd, sometimes hilarious, always interesting! A must-check-out!
Example: Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.
Example: Leave a better planet for our children? How about leaving better children for our planet?
Example: Been with my partner 18 amazing faithful years & can't get married & this 4-time divorcee is pontificating about the "sanctity of marriage?"
Example: If you're obsessive compulsive and you know it, wash your hands!
Example: Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible tweeter.
TheMeatSection - Hell yeah buddy, this one's good! Strange, rapid-fire bursts of laugh-ammo!
Example: POKER?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT PERSON IS OR WHAT THEIR NAME IS & STUFF!!
Example: How do you say something "chalantly"?
Example: "There. Cheese fixes eveything." - my wife, cooking dinner
Example: I carry a little pouch of glitter to work everyday, just in case somebody discovers my twitter acct, I'll throw it in the air and vanish!
Example: "Not to be rude or anything, but..." - somebody about to be rude and everything.
Burke62 - Underrated hilarity!
Example: Told my wife there was a salesman on the phone for her. She said "pretend I'm not here." So, I opened the laptop and furiously masturbated.
Example: Has anyone ever considered the fact that the glass is just too fucking big and not some deep phylisophical concept??
Example: Time will heal all wounds, but don't forget that it will eventually murder you as well.
Example: What the fuck is "disposable income"? I don't even throw away the extra sauce packets from Taco Bell.
Example: I believe I am about five years away from having to worry about the possibility of sitting on my own balls.
Crouchenpuma - Kinda unclassifiable, which of course makes her interesting. Funny and strange and cool.
Example: Irony- getting pregnant on a pull out couch
Example: kinda wanna lock my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood and go inside and ask for a hanger to 'take care of something real quick'
Example: Nascar answers the question, 'what if my box of Tide went 200mph'?
Tiredof_urshit - A hostile, confrontational Democrat. My kinda people! If you're a Republican you probably won't like him much, but if you're a Republican you probably didn't follow me long enough to find this blog post, and I'm probably using too many big words for you to understand anyhow. Check 'im out!
Example: "We didn't start the fire" Oh wait, yes we did. Ok then "let the motherfucker burn" - GOP when speaking about USA economy.
Example: Right now, millions, nay, billions of people are not thinking about you.
Example: Christian home schoolers - "Mommy why is ___________?" "Because Jesus made it that way." Repeat ad nauseum.
Example: Some of those good old boy Christuns are gonna be highly disappointed there's no racism in heaven and also that there's no heaven.
Joshingstern - Powerfully clever stuff here!
Example: I don’t have a license to kill but I have taken the written portion of the test
Example: I get a lot of fan mail from female caterpillars who find my eyebrow irresistible
Example: I always fall butter side down
DarinLovesBacon - And there's something in bacon that makes you funny! Twitter's proven that, and here's an example. Always good stuff!
Example: I added cucumbers to a hamburger and called it a "Cucumburger!" Well...it's nowhere near as popular as I had hoped.
Example: I miss candy cigarettes... you could look cool with a much smaller risk of cancer
Example: I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?
Example: I'm not proud of this, but the only things I've learned about the Bible were from watching Pulp Fiction
BenHoleShoe - Very funny dude with some great, original material. Check 'im out!
Example: Whether you love or hate cigarettes, you have to respect the smoking bicyclist.
Example: Always yell "union meeting tonight!" as you exit WalMart.
Example: The annoying neighbors are riding a crotch rocket around the block barefoot. There might be an awesome natural selection class today.
Example: My daughter described a sandwich as "breadyish". Better step up your game, food critics.
Example: If you were to weigh all the bacteria in your intestines, it would weigh about 3 lbs. Still feel pretty, you monster?
RowdyBowden - I just started following this dude not long ago, but it's been a great couple of weeks so far. Some brilliant stuff here.
Example: In space, no one can hear you scream about the little bits of pee that are probably floating around your space station.
Example: “I’m on a roll!” – Very confident butter
Example: It was funny the first time, but you don’t have to say “I am what I eat” at breakfast every single morning, Kevin Bacon.
Might be overusing the phrase "Welcome to the Thunderdome!" Hang on, phone's ringing. Need to welcome whoever is calling to the thunderdome.
Mr.Fornicator - an old hand at Twitter who's mastered it and is always generous with newbies. A funny guy and a good dude.
Example: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Example: We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.
Example: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Example: I’ve got 99 chores but I ain't done one. ~Lay-Z
K9Leavings - Been following this guy a lonnnnnnng time and never seen a bad tweet. A must-follow, especially if you're not timid.
Example: My 2-yr old is in his "Republican" phase: selfish, loves breaking things, cries a lot, can't be pleased, is a closeted homosexual, etc.
Example: Get this: my wife wants me to put "cubes" of frozen water into her drink so it's more "cool and refreshing". Yes, right away Your Majesty!!
Example: My cat must hate when I do PCP because he always starts talking about Lucifer.
Emirkr - Another one I've been following a long time, and he's consistently quirky and hilarious. Classic stuff here.
Example: My annoying neighbor called me at 4 am. Luckily I was still up playing my trumpet.
Example: 'McDonalds is the biggest sponsor of the 2012 olympic games'. We've officially reached the point where satire doesn't need punchlines.
Example: Money can't buy happiness. Money can buy an Aston martin; then you can drive faster towards not finding happiness.
CallUpToMe - Odd and strange mix of comedy, wisdom, and weirdness. You won't be bored, I guarantee it!
Example: Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank he can rob the world.
Example: It's all fun and games til you start bleeding and crying and I have to remind you that you are a consenting adult.
Example: I'd go as Caylee Anthony for Halloween but my mother would kill me.
Example: The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
LLVVZZ - Spend any time at all on Twitter and you'll see this cute lil' doll show up, dispensing wisdom and humor. She gets around! I can't imagine following that many people. To steal a line from Sharouzt, her timeline must look like the Matrix! And yet she finds time to be cool to all of us.
Example: The only time someone should cry because they're single is if they're tears of joy.
Example: Twitter: "Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"
Example: If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen.
Navanax - A Twitter standby who's become unfortunately sporadic as of late, but he still pops in from time to time, and if you're smart and follow him, you'll know when he does.
Example: "I pity the Flu" - Mr. T Cell
Example: I am not bitter, I am resentful. There is a difference. One may be resentful and still taste great.
Example: Yelling "Fuck this!" and storming out of the office loses some impact when you are working from home. It still feels good though.
4anno - Kind of new to me, but I'm glad I found 'im! Very funny! When I started following him he had up a picture of Patrick Cox from those Taxmasters commercials. And Patrick Cox (and the weird little jerk he does when he says "Hello!") cracks me up. So, when I saw that, I knew it was kismet.
Example: WARNING: "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is not a valid defense for Indecent Exposure.
Example: I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Example: Relax, Lucky Charms, there's nothing magical about the deliciousness of high-fructose corn syrup.
Example: Just licked the envelope of my sister's birthday card. She's not worth it.
YimsterFife - Lotsa funny stuff here, with an original twist. Definitely check him out!
Example: My uncle lost a ton of weight, probably from walking his new dog so much. It's some odd breed, though. You guys ever heard of a Meth Lab?
Example: So I finally had the sex talk with my teenage son but he really wasn't very helpful.
Example: Hanging is the number one cause of death for stick figure people.
Example: I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
nPhelendriqal - Or, as I always think of him, Cruz! Because I can't pronounce the other thing, or remember it exactly. All I remember is, dude's funny!
Example: Kinda think of twitter like "Sentences with Weirdos" rather than "Words with Friends".
Example: I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don't really wanna hear about your 'summer' house.
Example: A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Example: "I can't cum when you're staring at me" is fun to say to the guy next to you at the urinal.
JRehling - Consistently funny material and lots of it.
Example: The Bible's like a comic book with all the Batman scenes in the first half so it can focus the second half on Robin.
Example: God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
Example: 10 Facebook Tips: (1) Deactivate your account. (2) Go do nine things that sound fun.
Example: Give a man a fish and the Republicans will complain for a day. Teach a man to fish and the Republicans will oppose that program for years.
RelicOboogie - Witty and clever material. Sharp.
Example: I predict BlackBerry® next phone will come as a cereal box prize.
Example: I'd make a fucking awesome has-been
Example: on Sunday afternoon i like to go door to door & hand out literature on evolution.
Example: in the future a popular game at nursing homes will be Guess that Tattoo.
Siamonday - Another great source for solid comedy, with a twist.
Example: Serious tweet: My ex wife was run over by a train, not a day goes by when I don't mourn accidentally deleting the video I recorded of it.
Example: Every afternoon, around the same time, people from my neighborhood run past my house. There's nothing chasing them, what the fuck is that?
Example: I only like Justin beibers "early stuff," like when he was 3 and ate some cat poo.
Example: Mummy, what does rich people's farts smell like?
Szargasm - Irascible and takes no shit but he's (not so secretly) a helluva nice guy.
Example: I'm tweeting for two now. That's right. I'm poignant.
Example: Honestly, I love Twitter. Horny housewives. Idle drunks. Homicidal maniacs. Supercilious twits. Truly humanity's best. My kind of people.
Example: If you're drunk and you're homeschooled, raise your right hand.
Nope. That's your foot.
Example: For all the fucks that we don't give, people I've met on Twitter care more about others than some folks I've know for years. Now fuck off.
MurderOfBananas - You can always count on this guy to deliver the funny.
Example: When I go through a buffet I always carry my butterknife in my mouth like a pirate cause I want everyone to know that I'm not fucking around
Example: I always carry an Uno Skip card in case you start telling me a boring story about your family, or whatever.
Example: I always bring cake to a knife fight.
IRPadawan - Reliable, steadfast, distinctive funniness!
Example: Going to McDonald's to get a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
Example: I got a sweater for christmas. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner or even a squirter
Example: #NeverTrustAGuyWho asks what your favourite colour of duct tape is
SteptoeSmith46 - Helluva nice fella and a good source of British wit!
Example: I once put a 10kg weight in a very petite girls backpack. It was like watching an upturned tortoise trying to right itself.
Example: My Boss:I've got an antique oak floor.I bought it new about 20 years ago.
Me:So you've got 20 yr old oak floor then.Pretentious twat
Example: #lessimpressivetoys Rigid Armstrong
CurlyMalloy - A real sweetheart who's always nice to talk to, and turns out some uniquely cute & strangely adorable stuff that grows on you the more of it you read.
Example: Wow, my boyfriend just gave me alot of cash... Hope he doesn't think he's giving me any butt stuff!!!
Example: I'm home, and I just realized, I had my bra on... What the fuck is wrong with me?... your free, your free my poor little boobie's!!!
Example: My toothless neighbor is so loud, I want to punch her in the mouth!!!... but since she has no teeth, that kind of takes the fun out of it!!!
Example: Hey, does anyone know how to get to hawaii from my shower?
Lisa_Laughs - Generous re-tweeter with good taste in what she re-tweets, and some damn fine material of her own.
Example: I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Example: I don't want a relationship, I want a sidekick.
Example: I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
TheJakesHenry - I always know I'm not going to be disappointed when I hit this guy's timeline. Good stuff!
Example: Soy sauce is Spanish for I Am Sauce.
Example: The best place to hide a dead body is at the bottom of the $5 DVD bin at Wal Mart.
Example: A car accident sounds pretty deadly unless you think of car accident meaning the car peed it's pants in front of all the other cars.
Example: Just found out that Invisible Smooth Bricks are actually called "Windows."
IAmJuddy - He is Juddy! And if you don't like it, fuck you! Hostility to the max, but the amount of re-tweeting he does and the good attitude he has toward Twitter & some other things about life in general prove he's secretly a nice guy. But if you tell him I said that, you can go fuck yourself!
Example: If you're a man, and you know a little guy without a dad, you fuckin better help teach him how to be a man. No excuses
Example: Men: Part of our job is leading women away from sadness, & to happiness. Don't matter how, just fuckin do it. Ur job is done when she smiles
Example: Dear female orgasm.......will you just hurry the fuck up already
Example: I just retweeted someone with 100 followers, then someone with 10,000 followers. Point is, JUST FUCKING RETWEET FUNNY SHIT!
Example: Go fuck yourself, fail at it, then cry
MetalBreakfast - One night I mentioned my love for Bolt Thrower (if you don't know of Bolt Thrower, check this out and you'll see why I love 'em) and started talking to another fan about 'em, and who suddenly joined us but vocalist Dave Ingram himself! One of the coolest things I've ever experienced on Twitter. If you're a Bolt Thrower fan, follow this guy! And if you're not a Bolt Thrower fan, become one, and THEN follow him!
ZOMGitsCriss - Although she can be funnier than anybody when she wants to be, this isn't really a comedy-twitter feed. But if you're an atheist, you'll definitely want to follow this one, and watch her YouTube videos. Brilliant, creative, gorgeous, tenacious, and a must for nonbelievers or those who can handle logic. You shouldn't worship anything but if you insist, try her!
MochaPeach - Another atheist, strongly on the side of the good guys, and another YouTube must-watch. Everything I said about ZOMGits, ditto here. A quote from her YouTube channel : "I don't attack religion because I hate people. I attack religion because I care about people, and I'm sick of seeing how superstition and mythology keeps them ignorant and controllable." Been watching her for years and she's never failed to back that up, and has always done a great job of it.
HapaLive - One of my favorite people on the planet in real life. I don't plug her on Twitter much because she's not doing comedy (although she could - she's got a genius brain and has cracked me up worse than just about anybody when she wants to be funny) - she's mostly talking TV shows, like Fringe, Walking Dead, etc. If you're into that, check her out, you'll be in good hands.
MrGeorgeWallace - because he's George Wallace, goddamnit! Not the crazy governor of Alabama, but the brilliant comedian who you've seen on TV a buncha times when you were laughin' your ass off. Been a fan of this guy forever, and, unlike a lot of other professional comedians, he's actually funny on Twitter, too!
TheStevenWeber - you may remember him from the TV show Wings. I don't, because I never watched that show (although I did like him in the TV movie version of The Shining). But, I know him from Twitter, and he's one of the cornerstones of any good timeline. Clever stuff, on the side of the good guys politically, and not afraid of a fight (in fact, he seems to thrive on 'em!). You should follow him on Twitter, and read him on Huffington Post. Plus, check out his website, TheWorldWideWeber!
yoyoha - Every damn time, buddy! Funny and smart every time! You're already following this dude, right? If you can dress yourself in the morning, I assume you are.
ShittingtonUK - Your timeline sucks if you don't have this guy on it. Seriously, I shouldn't even be having to tell you this. One of those who should come pre-installed as part of a Twitter comedy package.
Meganamram - One of the elites, and frickin'-a deserves every follower she's got, too. Got almost 200K and I'd still call her underfollowed. Essential and unique.
MarylandMudflap - I don't have to tell you to follow this guy, do I? You're already doing that if you had enough sense to find your way here. Brilliant stuff.
RobDelaney - The Official (I think it's official, right?) King of Twitter. Dude's got over a third of a million followers, and you're probably already one of 'em, but I'm just making sure because if you're somehow missing this, your Twitter's fucked. He should come pre-installed when you sign up. (Jealous) people bitch about "Twitter elites," but this guy deserves every follower he's got. He's amazingly funny, and he's also a kind fella whose heart is in the right place.
My favorite RobDelaney tweet: I just drew a little face on a vitamin & named him Terry. He is my best friend & I don't care what you people think anymore.
Since I'm mostly doing comedy on Twitter I sometimes forget to promote other things, but since I cover a lot of books on this blog, it's appropriate I include some Twitter links to some of my fave writers. I'm not just linking writers I like, but ones who are entertaining on Twitter. There are some people out there I really like, but I don't follow on Twitter 'cuz they're not that entertaining there. There's nothing wrong with that - some people just see Twitter as a promotional device, and that's cool, but if I'm telling you to follow somebody, I want 'em to be more than just an advertising machine, y'know? And all these guys have great feeds -- even if you don't read their books (THOUGH YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD) you'd probably like following 'em.
Andrew Vachss - One of my favorite writers, and most admired humans. He's a lawyer who only takes cases representing abused children. Since kids don't have money to pay him, he writes books to finance his mission. So, these books would be worth getting just to support the cause... BUT, the man also happens to be perhaps the best crime writer working today, turning out hard, tough, fiercely smart prose with no fat on it. His books are a MUST READ, and this is not debatable. If you get ANYTHING out of hanging around me, I want to to be getting turned on to Andrew Vachss's work. DO IT. His Twitter account is a stream of wisdom - you'll want to write down a lot of what he turns out. He has another Twitter account where you can ask him questions here, and be sure to visit his site, The Zero, which is one of the greatest resources on the web. Lots of free short stories there, including maybe the only love story that's ever really gotten to me. And if you want to see how powerful a wallop can be packed into just a few words, go read "Dead Game." It'll take you five minutes, and it'll break your goddamn heart.
Example: I want to disabuse people of the idea that knowledge is power. Knowing how to get to Detroit is not the same thing as having the bus fare.
Example: Amazing how little interest those "protecting the unborn" have in protecting the living—& how much their concerns require controlling women.
Example: I've never said I do this work because I love kids—I do it because I hate their predators. And I have no evidence that this is eating me up.
Example: Let me tell you something about players: they always think everybody else is playing.
Example: Spectators don't win fights.
Example: No one has a knockout punch, when it comes to child abuse. But I want to inflict as much damage on the enemy as I can before I'm done.
Brian Keene - Sometimes I think this dude's the only thing holding the horror fiction community together. I don't know if that's a fact, but I do know he's doing a helluva lot. His website is a good starting point to find writers, and his Twitter feed is not only informative, it's funny! And opinionated. I don't always agree with everything he says, but who says I gotta? Very good dude - he's no bullshit, but if shown reasonable respect, he's really engaging. Good guy and a damn fine writer.
Bryan_D_Smith - Writes great, gory, Laymon-style horror, and he's not as active on Twitter as he was awhile back, but he's always been a very engaging guy, fun to talk to and joke around with, and especially good to talk metal and punk with. He also has a blog worth following.
Wrath James White - Writes some of the most insanely graphically violent and gory horror known to man, and he could kick your ass, too - he's a former cage fighter. But he's also a helluva nice guy, and has always been super-cool on Twitter. His blog's got a lot of very intelligent commentary on it (I'm proud to have him representing atheism).
Joe Hill - Absolutely one of my favorite Twitter accounts for any writer... I'd follow this even if I didn't like his books (although I do - I love 'em!) Smart, funny, goofy, kind-hearted, Democratic, and just a super nice dude. (And if you know the worst-kept-secret in all writerdom - that he's Stephen King's son - that shouldn't surprise you). Very active on Twitter, and not just on news about his own writing - there's jokes, games, recommendations, commentary on the news and politics... he goes out of his way to make his Twitter feed worth following, and he nails it. Here's his website.
J. F. Gonzalez - I love this guy. His novel Survivor is one of the most harrowing things released in the past couple of decades - if you could handle Jack Ketcham's The Girl Next Door, then seek that one out. I've had some great conversations with Mr. Gonzalez on Twitter - he's very knowledgeable about the horror genre (like me, he's a huge fan of Karl Edward Wagner) and he knows it all the way back to the Victorians -- that's rare nowdays. Always a nice guy, and a good read on Twitter, and on his Website, and, of course, in his books!
Joe R. Lansdale - The man's a legend. I don't really have to tell you what all Joe R. Lansdale's done in the horror, crime, and all-sorts-of-other genres, do I? If so, do your homework! His website's a place to start.
Mary SanGiovanni - fiance of Brian Keene and a helluva good Twitter-er. I could almost recommend her up there in the comedy section, because she comes up with some really funny stuff. Just lovable. Her website. And some examples of how funny she can be, just so you'll see what I mean:
Example: Eat the last of the hitchhiker you picked up last week without considering sharing #onceyougetmarriedyoucant
Example: Wow. They must be giving away free cars to assholes in this town today.
Example: Far-out 4:20 a.m. thoughts: What if the clown has already eaten you?
Example: Hometown street litter: empty water bottles, random string, discarded clown nose. Even the clowns are down on their luck.
Example: I'm sure it will be a delight. And by delight, I mean I need a shopping cart- mounted rocket launcher.
Work list to still write up (and to be added to later)
MORE TO COME...