Mr. Stupid's Giantly Obnoxious Haiku Hoedown (excessively-self-indulgent edition!)

If you liked my other collection of terrible haiku on the website, then hooray, yay, there's more teh stupid! If you hated the other haiku, then this is a whole buncha stuff you'll have to ignore, then, iddnit?

Some of this is funny, some of it is profane, some of it is dark 'n' disturbing (but that stuff's hilarious to me), and almost all of it is juvenile and very-much-stupid, but, I figure, it's like an Airplane movie: even if 90% of the content is stupid, there's so much of it being thrown at you that even if only 10% works, it still counts as a score. Volume, volume, volume! Some of it's been floating around a while, but some of it is unseen by man and still has that new haiku smell. Enjoy, or disregard, whichever's funnest.


I need to work out
or I'll have to settle for
flabby dystrophy

no that is not mine
my AK-47
has wooden handgrips

my uncle is lonely
he's not a ventriloquist
he just likes the doll

mee-maw is crazy
that's how come her nickname is

library's good for
instructions on making a
bomb out of a cow

sure thing go ahead
try sucking on it a while
maybe it's a tit

my girlfriend is dead
but I still think she's sexy
O Annabelle Lee

I'm not disturbed I'm
drowning in the downpour that
only I can see

that's not flatulence
pipe organ of inner church
playing hymns to god

wanna be mah own
uncle that's how come I done
married mah sister

it's never my fault
you and your society
make me do these things

self-righteous gas
pull my sanctimonious
finger there bubba

hey read your e-mail
now there's a way we can all
get a bigger dick

trick or treat demon
give him candy or he'll make
tombs of your cities

cursing and angry
nothing makes her happy now
Damitol overdose

okay here's the deal
if I keep pants on all day
you will give me cheese

I don't think the cops
are really trying to catch
the mime murderer

time to face the truth
"Cat Scratch Fever"'s a lame song
there, now, I said it

just keeps on smiling
as rats gnaw his painted flesh
dead clowns are more fun

it's your birthday so
everyone will sing you live
in a zoo and stink

what a dorky spy
yeah, yeah, he may be incog
but he ain't neato

blessing for themselves
curse for the rest, people who
don't know that they're dumb

my sister is such
a literalist that her
nickname's "Sobriquet"

I think that song's by
Black Sabbath or the Monkees
I get them mixed up

my relationship
with Jane is great 'cuz she's still
unaware of it

I'm really not sure
I'll ever get high enough
to enjoy jam bands

worst action show yet
cancellation is due for
Minister Squadron

enough about me
let's talk about pie, mmmm pie
boy do I like pie

if you wouldn't mind
I'd like to have your skull when
you're done using it

in a minor key
the caliope plays slow
the circus goes dark

how many secrets
do cemeteries hide deep
in claw-marked coffins

you'll have to do more
than frown a lot to get real
monster credentials

my painting is of
Hitler on a tricycle
I've done better work

his journal should be
scrawled in a shaky hand with
a dull grey crayon

all our times have gone
yeah we can be like they are
don't fear the reaper

now we'll live in fear
prophecies have come to pass
Melvin has returned

I'm so embarrassed
we don't celebrate it here
Pants Off At Work Day

oh take me down to
Circuit City where quality's good
and priced to fit me
(this is called "Rough Draft For a GNR Sell-Out TV Commercial")

oh say can you see
by the something something light
hmm hmm dah dee dah

okay bad picnic
but pissing in the basket
that was uncalled-for

get too excited
sometimes when I eat my peas
might wanna stand back

it's the thought that counts
but gravel for my birthday?
next time think harder

I hate watching you
labor to articulate
Lypozene ad girl

no I'm not lonely
as I sit covered in filth
the flies are my friends

if you keep that up
you'll dislocate your pelvis
you better stop that

Jim Morrison's dead
or he'd be in Vegas now
light my fire hey whoa

better haul some ass
crucifiers after you
run faster Jesus

know him by his skull
and the slow way that he blinks
call him turtle boy

don't wanna be a
cheetah but I'd still like to
bring down a gazelle

one in every class
up to third grade you know her
girl who smells like pee

I may have to move
all the marching undt seig heil
damn next-door Nazis

call me immature
one more time and I'm gonna
show them my underpants

at first he's funny
then the creepiness sets in
birthday party clown

not miraculous
but still great skill on display
waterski Jesus

don't approve of me
think I have bad attitude
yeah well whatever

another detailed
story of your former job
boredom rapes my ear

just like castanets
I love to go to the beach
to hear the clams fuck

would not have to think
would not have to go to work
wish I were a sponge

ceiling cracked head hurts
maybe I am too big for
jumping on the bed

if you take a ship
on an ocean cruise be sure
to pay your sea fees

yummy frosting skin
everyone wants to eat me
thinking like a cake

in my neighborhood
everyone was so ugly
walked playing kiss chase

sister resourceful
she ran out of hair rollers
so she used hot dogs

the two sexiest
animals in the barnyard
brown chicken brown cow

knock knock who is there
buffalo wings buffalo
wings who I don't know

don't do your laundry
then you'll end up wearing your
least favorite shirt

Principal Peters
is best example of the
Peter Principle

what John Hinkley did
you know secretly Jodie
Foster was flattered

eat these magic beans
then speak the language of the
underneath people

it's hard to tell when
your dominatrix mistress
is in love with you

found some dog doody
gonna put it on my head
it's a compulsion

oh no I got more
everyone e-mails me
funny cat pictures

you stop whispering
I know you aren't really real
under the bed guy

must eat the peas first
then the carrots then the corn
this is OCD

the paintings of John
Coltrane are like the music
of Jackson Pollock

I like John Lennon
for his music and all but
lord does he smell bad

lion sleeps tonight
"a whem buh way": Swahilli
for "kill white people"

mourners file past it
twenty corpses in one box
behold, clown coffin

those two old ladies
were so birdlike I caught them
shitting on my car

little dynamite
inside a log best way to
stop a firewood thief

she ain't pretty but
there's nothing wrong with her that
tequilla won't fix

mean Mormon, pig pants
lipstick-stained harmonica
things you seldom see

six extra nipples
are on his chest
they are wisdom teats

hiding in plain sight
you know Joseph McCarthy
was a communist

"blessed are the poor
in spirit": self-defeatist

moo moo moo moo moo
and moo and moo, moo moo moo
hear the lonesome cow

no please you go first
polite standoff at doorway
I insist damnit

wants to be neighbor
and also bite off your face
zombie Fred Rogers

sneaking to the church
to lick the stained glass windows
they LOOK like candy

how many times do
we have to take knives away
no, Charlie Manson

big words impress folks
the reason I say things like

to eat to sleep and
keep chickens away from me
all I want from life

Itchy and Scratchy
"fight fight fight" to "fart fart fart"
Terrence and Phillip

opened a great big
box of cats at a dog show
then the fun started

degree of sadness
difficult to determine
morose or lessrose

say "if I'm wrong I'll
eat my hat" lots when you wear
bacon sombrero

chatty and vapid
manageable brain damage
that's my co-worker

find them all over
in the world of arts and crafts
wood chickens prevail

brown socks and tan pants
opinion of little worth
Ron Dobbs is the man

wearing bean costume
when, when will someone hear my
silent cry for help

I think she likes me
always notices me, yells
"hey there, you dumbass!"

I can spit real good
it's my talent, don't know why
girls are not impressed

still a few bare spots
on that wall and the ceiling
I need more bacon

she's so nice to me
don't see why it's wrong to be
in love with grandmaw

bathing is an art
it's a great way to get clean
I wish I knew how

mice fill my pockets
a sign someone should get me
the help that I need

bunnies thnowmen and
weddings for your weenie dogs
your world disgusts me

breakfast lunch dinner
I think I love spaghetti
maybe too much maybe

don't care what you say
we will not name the bunny
Lee Harvey Oswald

best time of the year
Spackle Madness Days sale at
True Value Hardware

my hands are greasy
and I'm way too frickin' big
love me some butter

I am a real jerk
I need a punch in the face
except not me, you

get them in the car
then there will be no escape
from your gruesome poot

they build their church on
delicious baked goods and pies
knights of the minnow

college is stupid
no classes to teach me how
to be a viking

I like to get mail
but not when it's all soggy
sweaty mailmen suck

I won't tell anybody
about you and the watermelon
it'll be our secret

more memento mori
count on a somber drive down
armadillo road

the real scary part
of the movie will make your
sphinkie go winkie

hey there Miss Jolie
I wish I was yer boyfriend
you sure is purdy

if dog that in
garden not carpet you'd say
it was fertilized

please don't get me wrong
I like them, just think they look
like some fat guy pants

I will always be
better at civil discourse
than you are douchebag

frosted on the top
oh my beloved cupcake
you make me happy

demand I take baths
then get mad 'cuz tub's dirty
I just can not win

all those people who
won't let me use bad words can
puff my pee pee pipe

the only people
I really hate are racists
oh, and Mexicans

alienate me
fetish for lederhosen
no one understands

golden present for
anniversary fifty
how 'bout a shower

says he's my friend but
invited to my birthday
Jesus did not come

guess it's for the best
I did not name things for Nerf
I'd have picked "Doosh Ball"

I am not crazy
you only say these things because
I think I'm Batman

don't wanna sound weird
but goddamn if that girl don't
have some pretty feet

radio dying?
no they're just playing Donovan
Hurdy Gurdy Man

beauty of your eyes
lips hair body mind wasted
I just want your blood

ha ha harshed his buzz
punched a hippie while I was
finding my center

puppies and kittens
and bunnies oh my the cute
things I just don't like

with stiff legs they march
difficult to walk and sit
wearing wicker pants

if I was you man
I'd probably drink a lot
too if I was you

talk dirty to me
then wash your mouth out with soap
love your Irish Spring kiss

four hour erection?
not gonna call my doctor
unless she's horny too

no she loves me not
yet I'm in her thrall my sweet
Annie Mosity

pie bomb in mailbox
seltzer sniping from the tree
terror clown is back!

your beanie baby
is covered in lubricant
dude like what the fuck

pineapple cultist
I am, you make fruit salad
murderer of god

you sure do throw a
great party and by the way
I spit on the cake

I'm so sorry please
accept my apology
if not you're a jerk

while my back was turned
pork chop gone and happy dog
solve this mystery

I like girls a lot
they are very pretty and
they don't hit as hard

I know as long as
you have an ass there will be
a good place to kick

god you are so lame
nobody likes Nsync anymore
fuck your ring tone, bitch

now everybody
knows 'bout the bunny jammies
I hate my web cam

now my legs are wet
I was peeing along fine
then the wind shifted

don't think I'll have any
limburger, camenbert, brie
the wrong kind of cheese

my sister is weird
that David Hasselhoff guy
makes her nipples stiff

they say I broke it
and so I got in trouble
but how can wind break?

you want to tell, huh?
here's something to tell: you stink!
tell your mama *that!*

chicken pot pie please
I've had enough Rice-A-Roni
not my favorite

when you got that itch
it's the only way to fly
carpet dragging dog

manners? screw manners
just pass the damn bread already
I'm starving damnit

the Fonz was kinda weird
to stick up his thumb and say
"Potsie, sit on it!"

that Mister Roeper
was always funnier than
that Mister Furley

grandfather wears these
pants that are made from rubber
I think he's lazy

silly cowboy name
don't even get me started
Hopalong, that's dumb

public ham-slapping
that's why we don't get to watch
Pee Wee Herman show

mister kittycat
knows when dinnertime is and
not much else really

well you can just, just
go and do I don't know what
call me stupid huh!

Barbara's dumb son
sure has made a mess of things
whistle-ass prez-dint

fuck cocksucker fuck
cocksucker fuck fuck fuck fuck
on the next Deadwood

you swing to and fro
and shrivel up in the cold
scrotum, oh scrotum

Elizabeth I'm
comin' to join ya honey
Lamont knows that trick

1 comment:

  1. Them are some funny
    Words you strung together in
    Your post. Pisst myself...