If you liked my other collection of terrible haiku on the website, then hooray, yay, there's more teh stupid! If you hated the other haiku, then this is a whole buncha stuff you'll have to ignore, then, iddnit?
Some of this is funny, some of it is profane, some of it is dark 'n' disturbing (but that stuff's hilarious to me), and almost all of it is juvenile and very-much-stupid, but, I figure, it's like an Airplane movie: even if 90% of the content is stupid, there's so much of it being thrown at you that even if only 10% works, it still counts as a score. Volume, volume, volume! Some of it's been floating around a while, but some of it is unseen by man and still has that new haiku smell. Enjoy, or disregard, whichever's funnest.
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I need to work out
or I'll have to settle for
flabby dystrophy
no that is not mine
my AK-47
has wooden handgrips
my uncle is lonely
he's not a ventriloquist
he just likes the doll
mee-maw is crazy
that's how come her nickname is
fifty-one-fifty
library's good for
instructions on making a
bomb out of a cow
sure thing go ahead
try sucking on it a while
maybe it's a tit
my girlfriend is dead
but I still think she's sexy
O Annabelle Lee
I'm not disturbed I'm
drowning in the downpour that
only I can see
that's not flatulence
pipe organ of inner church
playing hymns to god
wanna be mah own
uncle that's how come I done
married mah sister
it's never my fault
you and your society
make me do these things
self-righteous gas
pull my sanctimonious
finger there bubba
hey read your e-mail
now there's a way we can all
get a bigger dick
trick or treat demon
give him candy or he'll make
tombs of your cities
cursing and angry
nothing makes her happy now
Damitol overdose
okay here's the deal
if I keep pants on all day
you will give me cheese
I don't think the cops
are really trying to catch
the mime murderer
time to face the truth
"Cat Scratch Fever"'s a lame song
there, now, I said it
just keeps on smiling
as rats gnaw his painted flesh
dead clowns are more fun
it's your birthday so
everyone will sing you live
in a zoo and stink
what a dorky spy
yeah, yeah, he may be incog
but he ain't neato
blessing for themselves
curse for the rest, people who
don't know that they're dumb
my sister is such
a literalist that her
nickname's "Sobriquet"
I think that song's by
Black Sabbath or the Monkees
I get them mixed up
my relationship
with Jane is great 'cuz she's still
unaware of it
I'm really not sure
I'll ever get high enough
to enjoy jam bands
worst action show yet
cancellation is due for
Minister Squadron
enough about me
let's talk about pie, mmmm pie
boy do I like pie
if you wouldn't mind
I'd like to have your skull when
you're done using it
in a minor key
the caliope plays slow
the circus goes dark
how many secrets
do cemeteries hide deep
in claw-marked coffins
you'll have to do more
than frown a lot to get real
monster credentials
my painting is of
Hitler on a tricycle
I've done better work
his journal should be
scrawled in a shaky hand with
a dull grey crayon
all our times have gone
yeah we can be like they are
don't fear the reaper
now we'll live in fear
prophecies have come to pass
Melvin has returned
I'm so embarrassed
we don't celebrate it here
Pants Off At Work Day
oh take me down to
Circuit City where quality's good
and priced to fit me
(this is called "Rough Draft For a GNR Sell-Out TV Commercial")
oh say can you see
by the something something light
hmm hmm dah dee dah
okay bad picnic
but pissing in the basket
that was uncalled-for
get too excited
sometimes when I eat my peas
might wanna stand back
it's the thought that counts
but gravel for my birthday?
next time think harder
I hate watching you
labor to articulate
Lypozene ad girl
no I'm not lonely
as I sit covered in filth
the flies are my friends
if you keep that up
you'll dislocate your pelvis
you better stop that
Jim Morrison's dead
or he'd be in Vegas now
light my fire hey whoa
better haul some ass
crucifiers after you
run faster Jesus
know him by his skull
and the slow way that he blinks
call him turtle boy
don't wanna be a
cheetah but I'd still like to
bring down a gazelle
one in every class
up to third grade you know her
girl who smells like pee
I may have to move
all the marching undt seig heil
damn next-door Nazis
call me immature
one more time and I'm gonna
show them my underpants
at first he's funny
then the creepiness sets in
birthday party clown
not miraculous
but still great skill on display
waterski Jesus
don't approve of me
think I have bad attitude
yeah well whatever
another detailed
story of your former job
boredom rapes my ear
just like castanets
I love to go to the beach
to hear the clams fuck
would not have to think
would not have to go to work
wish I were a sponge
ceiling cracked head hurts
maybe I am too big for
jumping on the bed
if you take a ship
on an ocean cruise be sure
to pay your sea fees
yummy frosting skin
everyone wants to eat me
thinking like a cake
in my neighborhood
everyone was so ugly
walked playing kiss chase
sister resourceful
she ran out of hair rollers
so she used hot dogs
the two sexiest
animals in the barnyard
brown chicken brown cow
knock knock who is there
buffalo wings buffalo
wings who I don't know
don't do your laundry
then you'll end up wearing your
least favorite shirt
Principal Peters
is best example of the
Peter Principle
what John Hinkley did
you know secretly Jodie
Foster was flattered
eat these magic beans
then speak the language of the
underneath people
it's hard to tell when
your dominatrix mistress
is in love with you
found some dog doody
gonna put it on my head
it's a compulsion
oh no I got more
everyone e-mails me
funny cat pictures
you stop whispering
I know you aren't really real
under the bed guy
must eat the peas first
then the carrots then the corn
this is OCD
the paintings of John
Coltrane are like the music
of Jackson Pollock
I like John Lennon
for his music and all but
lord does he smell bad
lion sleeps tonight
"a whem buh way": Swahilli
for "kill white people"
mourners file past it
twenty corpses in one box
behold, clown coffin
those two old ladies
were so birdlike I caught them
shitting on my car
little dynamite
inside a log best way to
stop a firewood thief
she ain't pretty but
there's nothing wrong with her that
tequilla won't fix
mean Mormon, pig pants
lipstick-stained harmonica
things you seldom see
six extra nipples
are on his chest
they are wisdom teats
hiding in plain sight
you know Joseph McCarthy
was a communist
"blessed are the poor
in spirit": self-defeatist
oxymoronic
moo moo moo moo moo
and moo and moo, moo moo moo
hear the lonesome cow
no please you go first
polite standoff at doorway
I insist damnit
wants to be neighbor
and also bite off your face
zombie Fred Rogers
sneaking to the church
to lick the stained glass windows
they LOOK like candy
how many times do
we have to take knives away
no, Charlie Manson
big words impress folks
the reason I say things like
indubitably
to eat to sleep and
keep chickens away from me
all I want from life
Itchy and Scratchy
"fight fight fight" to "fart fart fart"
Terrence and Phillip
opened a great big
box of cats at a dog show
then the fun started
degree of sadness
difficult to determine
morose or lessrose
say "if I'm wrong I'll
eat my hat" lots when you wear
bacon sombrero
chatty and vapid
manageable brain damage
that's my co-worker
find them all over
in the world of arts and crafts
wood chickens prevail
brown socks and tan pants
opinion of little worth
Ron Dobbs is the man
wearing bean costume
when, when will someone hear my
silent cry for help
I think she likes me
always notices me, yells
"hey there, you dumbass!"
I can spit real good
it's my talent, don't know why
girls are not impressed
still a few bare spots
on that wall and the ceiling
I need more bacon
she's so nice to me
don't see why it's wrong to be
in love with grandmaw
bathing is an art
it's a great way to get clean
I wish I knew how
mice fill my pockets
a sign someone should get me
the help that I need
bunnies thnowmen and
weddings for your weenie dogs
your world disgusts me
breakfast lunch dinner
I think I love spaghetti
maybe too much maybe
don't care what you say
we will not name the bunny
Lee Harvey Oswald
best time of the year
Spackle Madness Days sale at
True Value Hardware
my hands are greasy
and I'm way too frickin' big
love me some butter
I am a real jerk
I need a punch in the face
except not me, you
get them in the car
then there will be no escape
from your gruesome poot
they build their church on
delicious baked goods and pies
knights of the minnow
college is stupid
no classes to teach me how
to be a viking
I like to get mail
but not when it's all soggy
sweaty mailmen suck
I won't tell anybody
about you and the watermelon
it'll be our secret
more memento mori
count on a somber drive down
armadillo road
the real scary part
of the movie will make your
sphinkie go winkie
hey there Miss Jolie
I wish I was yer boyfriend
you sure is purdy
if dog that in
garden not carpet you'd say
it was fertilized
please don't get me wrong
I like them, just think they look
like some fat guy pants
I will always be
better at civil discourse
than you are douchebag
frosted on the top
oh my beloved cupcake
you make me happy
demand I take baths
then get mad 'cuz tub's dirty
I just can not win
all those people who
won't let me use bad words can
puff my pee pee pipe
the only people
I really hate are racists
oh, and Mexicans
alienate me
fetish for lederhosen
no one understands
golden present for
anniversary fifty
how 'bout a shower
says he's my friend but
invited to my birthday
Jesus did not come
guess it's for the best
I did not name things for Nerf
I'd have picked "Doosh Ball"
I am not crazy
you only say these things because
I think I'm Batman
don't wanna sound weird
but goddamn if that girl don't
have some pretty feet
radio dying?
no they're just playing Donovan
Hurdy Gurdy Man
beauty of your eyes
lips hair body mind wasted
I just want your blood
ha ha harshed his buzz
punched a hippie while I was
finding my center
puppies and kittens
and bunnies oh my the cute
things I just don't like
with stiff legs they march
difficult to walk and sit
wearing wicker pants
if I was you man
I'd probably drink a lot
too if I was you
talk dirty to me
then wash your mouth out with soap
love your Irish Spring kiss
four hour erection?
not gonna call my doctor
unless she's horny too
no she loves me not
yet I'm in her thrall my sweet
Annie Mosity
pie bomb in mailbox
seltzer sniping from the tree
terror clown is back!
your beanie baby
is covered in lubricant
dude like what the fuck
pineapple cultist
I am, you make fruit salad
murderer of god
you sure do throw a
great party and by the way
I spit on the cake
I'm so sorry please
accept my apology
if not you're a jerk
while my back was turned
pork chop gone and happy dog
solve this mystery
I like girls a lot
they are very pretty and
they don't hit as hard
I know as long as
you have an ass there will be
a good place to kick
god you are so lame
nobody likes Nsync anymore
fuck your ring tone, bitch
now everybody
knows 'bout the bunny jammies
I hate my web cam
now my legs are wet
I was peeing along fine
then the wind shifted
don't think I'll have any
limburger, camenbert, brie
the wrong kind of cheese
my sister is weird
that David Hasselhoff guy
makes her nipples stiff
they say I broke it
and so I got in trouble
but how can wind break?
you want to tell, huh?
here's something to tell: you stink!
tell your mama *that!*
chicken pot pie please
I've had enough Rice-A-Roni
not my favorite
when you got that itch
it's the only way to fly
carpet dragging dog
manners? screw manners
just pass the damn bread already
I'm starving damnit
the Fonz was kinda weird
to stick up his thumb and say
"Potsie, sit on it!"
that Mister Roeper
was always funnier than
that Mister Furley
grandfather wears these
pants that are made from rubber
I think he's lazy
silly cowboy name
don't even get me started
Hopalong, that's dumb
public ham-slapping
that's why we don't get to watch
Pee Wee Herman show
mister kittycat
knows when dinnertime is and
not much else really
well you can just, just
go and do I don't know what
call me stupid huh!
Barbara's dumb son
sure has made a mess of things
whistle-ass prez-dint
fuck cocksucker fuck
cocksucker fuck fuck fuck fuck
on the next Deadwood
you swing to and fro
and shrivel up in the cold
scrotum, oh scrotum
Elizabeth I'm
comin' to join ya honey
Lamont knows that trick
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