now having for happypenis!

I got some Viagra spam in my e-mail today, and the ESL-style English had its own strange beauty, like... a crippled swan. Yes, exactly like that.

I imagine that somewhere out in the world, in some Borat-type country, people are studying English just so they can write spam-copy to sell big-dick-pills.

Here's what I got (with commentary track)...


Subject: Make that your girl was happy!

If you have a small penis is your girlfriend is not happy with 99$!
And she will look for a big penis in 70$!

Okay, if I'm understanding this correctly (and I hope I'm not because being able to understand this logic would probably be a sign of mental illness), if I get a bigger dick, I can save $29. Smaller dick means you have to give your girlfriend $99 (but she still won't be happy), but if you have a bigger dick you can get just as much happiness from her for $70.

I'm not completely certain, but I think if you have to pay her anything, she's not rrrrrreeeeeaaaallly your "girlfriend."

And... why $29? What if I double-dose on the stuff and get a really huge dick? Will she then owe me money? Because I'm looking for ways to earn extra money for Christmas.

If I sleep with my dick under my pillow, will the dick-fairy leave me $29?

Then again, if I could sleep with my dick under my pillow, I wouldn't need anybody's pills, now, would I?


Subject: Is good Men & Girl !!!

Only we have the cheapest ~V1agra~.
Experience a new sensation in sex!

I like this one because just in the title alone we've got (at least) a threesome going already. Although my ideal threesome would be "Is good man and girls." Don't really need the extra man. Nothing wrong with that, mind you, I'd just find it awkward. But, I guess it would be "a new sensation in sex."

And... define this "new sensation." Because that's not necessarily a good thing, y'know.

"ARRGGGHHHHH! Why does it feel like I have a hornet caught in my urethra?"

"Is new sensation in sex! You are liking, yes?"


From: Max.PenisGood12

Subject: Your P4nis will be more than 100$

I got confused at first by the e-mail, because I thought this was my old friend, Max Penisgood from high school. He was one of the Tupelo Penisgoods. Wonder whatever happened to that guy? He was a helluva pole-vaulter!

Anyway, once again, they're trying to put a price on my head. So to speak. Is there really a resale value on penises? Is this some horrifying Turista-style organ-theft thing? Next time you're standing at a urinal, glance down at the next guy and say "I bet you couldn't get more than $39.95 for that thing," see what happens.

Or, maybe getting a bigger wang will cost you more than $100. Which means we now have a budget to work out. If I cut back on Twinkies and dropped my subscription to X-Men comics, I could get a dong big enough to paddle a canoe with.

I wonder how much it'd cost me to get a second one? Because that's what I really want. Some people believe in intelligent design, but... two hands, one dick? Is that really the plan of a smart guy? In a perfect world, a hand-job would look like milking a cow! This is yet another reason why we must fund stem-cell research.

(Old joke dept.: Did you hear about the guy with five penises? His pants fit like a glove! )


Then I got two with snippets of titles that were strangely evocative, like snippets of poetry found scrawled in semen on a madhouse wall...

what charity of judgment; what t

Ed in a most unmanly display of sentiment, and was gl

"What Charity Of Judgement" should be the title of the next U2 album.

And Ed In A Most Unmanly Display of Sentiment should be the title of Ed Gillespie's memoirs.


Good Morning my friend i Alla

Good day friend, you have no wife? We are looking for you! Thousands of girls dream to meet you!

First... Allah is writing to me, peas be upon him? Ah salami like 'em!

And I don't know about thousands of girls (too much of a good thing and all), but I might like to have two of 'em, if my "second dick" plan comes to fruition.


And this one is my favorite:

Subject: Make your dick good

No fancy promises, no outrageous claims... just, "good."

I wonder if this stuff is available over the counter? I want to wander up to the counter in my local Walgreens and say, "Hi, I'm interested in making my dick good."

And if that works, that's when I'll go all Oliver Twist on 'em: "Thank you, please, may I have another?"


  1. This shit is almost hilarious enough to make me deactivate my spam filters.


  2. Here's one I got today:

    Subject: This will help you 100$!

    100$ is the penis is like a porn star

    They're obsessed with this penile-financial syndrome...