Miracles in Modern Flooring

Against my better judgment, hardwood flooring was recently installed in my house. Soon after it was put down, I noticed something rather amazing... at least, amazing to people who'd consider grilled cheese sandwiches to be something upon which to base their faith in the almighty whodat.

Putting down a rug, I looked down, and what did I see before me, but a vision right out of Mark 4:35-41!

Yes, folks, that is definitely Jesus calming the waters, rendered in a hickory knot (as promised by the Gospel of Thomas line 77, but you might not know that since the church suppresses that book of the Bible, since it says that churches and preachers are unnecessary, and if that were better known it'd screw up a really profitable cottage idiot-exploitation industry)

77 Jesus said, "I am the light that is over all things. I am all: from me all came forth, and to me all attained. Split a piece of wood; I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there."

Yup! I done got mah ass a bona-fide muhfuggin' miracle right there in my floorboards! Praise Jeebus, hallelujah! You doubt? Let's examine this in more detail, shall we?

Since I'm not too great with the camera and can't get the macro lens to work, here's another one, just in case:
Maybe one of those will be clear enough. And then here's a painting of the scene just for comparison's sake:

Anyway, back to the knothole. You can clearly see the prow of the boat Jesus is standing on. His long dark hair is clearly defined. Surrounding him is a glowing halo-like circle of holy light. His robe is flowing, and if you look just below the chest there, it's even monogrammed with a great big "M," which you can see even in the blurry photo. M, of course, is for Messiah! Surely you can doubt no longer the sheer unmitigated holiness of what you are gazing upon!

The only drawback is, I'm pretty sure the figure is making the heavy-metal "Satan" sign of the horns with each hand, so instead of Jesus, this might be Ronnie James Dio.

Which, frankly, would only make it even cooler, because could Jesus hit those unbelievable notes on "Sign of the Southern Cross"? With all due respect, I dare say no, he could not. If it's Dio, the M, of course, stands for "Metal!"

But, I think I'm gonna stick to the Jesus story, because after the newly-elected Republicunt congress wrecks the economic recovery and we're all out of work, I might need to pry up that sumbitch and put it on Ebay to see if I can't get some theocrat (since they'll be the only ones allowed to have money anymore) to shell out $60,000 for it. I figure it's worth at least twice as much as a grilled cheese sandwich, since it depicts a specific scene from the Bible, and might be Ronnie James Dio instead!

If that works, I also have some knotholes that I think might be Jesus's eyes, and one that could be his butthole. Or somebody's, anyway... a butthole's pretty much a butthole, I think, but if I marketed it as Pamela Anderson's or something, nobody'd buy that because everybody's already seen it. Lovely as it is. Besides, the knothole in question looks really kindly.

Anyway, I'm going to look at that plank as part of my potential retirement investment. Since the world contains idiots who'd pay $635,000 for real estate on an asteroid that doesn't even exist outside of a video game (this is why we mustn't raise taxes on the uber-wealthy and let them keep more of their money! Think of all the virtual jobs being created for make-believe people when they buy shit like that!), somebody's surely going to be dumb-ass-stupid enough to buy my Jesus floorboard. But don't make me any offers right now... it's not going up for sale until I'm desperate.

In the meantime, I secretly get to live in a shrine! Blessed be!

1 comment:

  1. Jesus or possibly Ronnie James Dio... that could be the greatest band name EVER!

    Holy shit, this was extry-funny, esp since, of alla the houses He coulda pickt... Any one of your neighbors would've had the TBNooz on the phone right away... you still could, y'know... And that could be unbelievably hilarious...