Fulfilling the Prophecies of THRILLER...

So... Michael Jackson died of a massive heart attack this Thursday, which means that his reanimated corpse should be ungraving itself + beginning the hunt for braaaaainnsssss by no later than the July 4th weekend, hopefully making for a truly spectacular Independence Day celebration... Thriller, indeed!

An established pop superstar and self-designated King of Pop, the last years of his life were mired in controversies surrounding his finances, the actual nature of his relationships with his wives + children, and the actual nature of his relationships with a whole bunch of other people's children. Ah... Days of Settlements and Accusations...

Sadly, Jackson never seemed to come to grips with the death of his career in the 1990s, instead flailing madly into a couple of disturbing marriages with some truly skoojy women + dangling his children precariously from balconies... A far fall from duets with Paul McCartney ("Oi... I'll trade you a one-legged woman for my song rights...") and guest solos by Eddie Van Halen ("Valerie Who???")

He is survived by a bunch of fans who seem to have just been thawed from late-1980s cryogenic sleeptanks, his family, and a duofold legacy as established pop icon and suspected pedophile that will elevate + haunt him in the world's consciousness.

(That is, at least 'til the next celebrity dies... The media-driven mourning for Ed McMahon was preempted rather abruptly + poor Farrah Fawcett never even had a chance at the newscycle... and you know that's lame, cuz if you are a straight guy age 35-50, you - or yr older brother - owned this poster!!)


  1. Yep... with Michael Jackson gone, Ted Nugent is now officially The Most Famous Child Molester in Rock 'n' Roll. I bet he's proud enough to sing us a few bars of "Jailbait." Do the part where you want to put handcuffs on the 13-year-old girl, Ted, ya bastard.

    I'm trying to figure out the trifecta now, since famous people always die in threes. Does Bea Arthur fit in, or did that happen too far back? And Lux Interior? So, with David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah, and Michael Jackson... are we paid up, or should we expect another one, or two? Patrick Swayze's awfully sick, but I'm hoping he gets better.

    Meanwhile, I think I'm going to send Rush Limbaugh a few McDonald's gift certificates. (Speaking of child molesters, I think Rush is likely a member of that club, too, given that he was returning from the Dominican Republic - a noted child-sex-tourism site - with a pocket full of somebody else's Viagra. Plus, he's friends with Ted Nugent...)

  2. Really? The NUGE? Wang-dang, underage poontang? Ted, just admit it... (guess Perry Farrell actually had Nugent's number)!

  3. ...and isn't Jerry Lee Lewis - who not only went for the jailbait, but jailbait he was related to - much more famous than Terd Nugget? And Ted, even though Journey to the Center of Yr Mind was a total drug-themed rekkid and Free For All features the classically-dumb line "stakes are high + so am I", never took any drugs ever, right?

  4. Yep, Ted still denies any drug involvement... although he does admit to dodging the draft.

    And, yep, Ted Nugent is a big-time pedophile. I was always weirded out when I was a kid because I'd read interviews with him in magazines and he'd keep mentioning 12 year old girls. I remember one interview where he wanted to build two stacks of Fender amps facing each other and open a dimensional doorway that lead to a land populated by nothing but naked 12-year-old girls. I thought that was kinda sick, but shrugged it off. Then, on his Intensities in Ten Cities album (which I gotta admit has one of the most clever titles ever) he's got a song called "Jailbait" that's about as blatant as it gets:

    "Well I don´t care if you´re just thirteen,
    You look to good to be true.
    I just know that you´re probably clean,
    There´s one little thing I gotta do to you.
    Jailbait you look so good to me,
    Jailbait won´t you set me free,
    Jailbait you look fine, fine, fine
    And I know I´ve got to have you in a matter of time.
    Sad but true.

    Honey, you, you, you look so nice.
    She´s young, she´s tender
    Won´t you please surrender.
    She so fine, she´s mine, all the time, I woke my mind.
    It´s all right baby it´s quite all right, I asked your mama.
    Wait a minute officer, wait a minute officer,
    Don´t put those handcuffs on me!
    Put 'em on her... and I´ll share her with you! Yeah!"

    And, not being a guy to hang a man just based on his words, I'll add that he has a daughter who complained that he was always bringing "little girls even younger than me" home with him (she was about 15 at the time), and he had a well-documented "relationship" with a 13-year-old. http://www.operationawareness.com/index_37.html That site said he and Pele started dating when she was 17, but that's not true - he "arranged" things with her parents starting when she was 13, so he could become her "legal guardian" and have sex with her.

    Hilariously, Ted now tries to "hide in plain sight" (much like another creep named Mike Echols, who wrote the book _I Know My First Name Is Steven_ and got his cover blown by some of Andrew Vachss's team) by making anti-pedophile rants - http://www.wacotrib.com/opin/content/news/opinion/stories/nugent/03182007_wac_nugent.html - (compare and contrast that to the celebratory lyrics of "Jailbait") but his own crimes are already well established, and he can't cover it up. I agree with him that we need the death penalty for child molesters... and I think Ted should turn himself in as soon as possible.

    Instead, he runs a "Kamp For Kids." What a great idea, it's like home delivery...