25 bad ideas and a flying cow.

Not all of my ideas are wonderful.

Sure, I've come up with some brilliant things... by accident. Like, the bidet. I invented that, but I envisioned it as a practical joke. "Hey! What?! No!" Who could have imagined that such a thing would actually catch on with the French. "Bidet," in French, means "upside-down shower for washing your woo-woo." And "cunnilingus" is French for "we have a bidet at our house."

Do you know what they call a bidet in Germany? A royale with cheese. No, ha ha, that's just a joke fo' my bitches. Not really, I don't have any bitches. But you can bet I would if I was getting bidet-patent money. No, really, they call it a "woozlevasher." At least, to my knowledge they do. I don't know for sure, because I don't understand German and actually think it's "the devil's language." But, much to the consternation of people around me, I don't let that stop me from trying to speak it. "Achtung! Sheissenkrieg! Blitzenfarbergarbentodt!" Know what's fun? Walk up to somebody who speaks a foreign language and just blurt a bunch of gibberish (I do speak fluent Gibberish, by the way, and as soon as the country of Gibberia is established I'm going to make some sweeeeeet translator money... and get me some bitches!) that sounds vaguely like the language and ask them, "Okay, did I say anything? Was I close?" I also like to draw little cryptograms that look - to me - like Chinese or Japanese and ask people who can read those languages if I wrote anything. If it turns out I did, I go around bragging "Yeah, I can write 'patio-enabled fishnipple' in Mandarin."

Anyway, I was talking about something before I rudely (but cleverly, I think) interrupted myself. Oh yeah -- not all of my ideas are wonderful. I have in my time invented a few products that just didn't catch on. Here are a 25 of them (and I apologize in advance, I am a very vulgar and juvenile man):

1. Gas-X. Actually, I came up with this product first, but my version gave people gas. As entertaining as farts are, it never occurred to me that anybody would want to prevent gas. Hey, I was 12, okay?

2. Hot 'n' Spicy Alpo. Turns out dogs don't enjoy the little "kick" of jalapeño and chipotle as much as I do.

3. Toilet Water Coloring. We’ve all seen the popular blue water in toilet bowls (well, it was popular in the 70’s, anyway... it disappeared around the same time as the white dog poop did). I came up with that concept, but I thought “Sunshine Yellow” would be a more cheerful color. For some reason, people just didn’t like it.

4. Sans-A-Slacks Belt. For those times when you want to wear a belt, but no pants.

5. Flavored Crayons. I noticed kids ate crayons, so I figured, why not flavor them? Then I was told that eating crayons wasn’t something that “we” wanted to encourage. But, in my defense, it did make your stool look like a blueberry muffin, so I should get points for presentation.

6. The Dildo Harmonica. I thought you could serenade your lover before the act, but women found it “childish” and a “total turnoff.” And queefing made it worse; hearing “Roll Out The Barrel” makes it impossible to come. Try it; hum it next time, instead of thinking of baseball.

7. The Lee Press-On Udder. Apparently not everyone finds them as attractive as I do.

8. Dr. Denton’s Jeans. We have a fly in the front to make things easier, so why not a flap in the back? I think people secretly don’t like having options.

9. Gaydar Detector. This device would alert you if someone thinks you’re gay, so you can explain that you only borrowed that shirt.

10. A Brand of Peanuts. I tried marketing bags of peanuts under the brand, “Uncle Salty’s Nut Sack,” with a cartoon hillbilly on the front saying “Grab yerself a handful!” Didn’t catch on, and I don’t know why.

11. Colonel Jessup’s Home-Brew Douche. With mesquite! Changing the name to “Gee Your Douche Smells Terrific” didn’t help.

12. Baby Shityerpants. Remember “Baby Alive” dolls, that ate pretend babyfood? This doll took the concept to the next level. I think the battery-powered realistic, gruesome sound effects took things a little too far. Oddly, this one sold better to little boys than it did to girls.

13. T’ain’t Bacon. Like “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,” but with bacon. Led to terrible misunderstandings that shocked me at the time and make me sad to recollect. Just when I think I have my finger on the pulse of America, I find out it's the inseam.

14. A Variation on Bingo. I still don’t know why this one didn’t catch on, especially since Bingo is so popular in churches. It was pretty much like regular Bingo, but, to add excitement, when you won, instead of yelling “Bingo!” you’d shout “Jesus Christ!”

15. Automatic Cheese Cutter. This would slice cheese for you. For some reason nobody would buy it. I guess people really enjoy cutting cheese themselves or something.

16. Strawberry Spinach-Sardine Dip. This was an excellent dip for chips you didn’t want anybody to eat.

17. Pubic Toupee. Because you can never have too much puberty.

18. Lil’ Stinkies Dog Treats. Dogs love things that smell bad, so this was a hit... with the dogs. People were horrified to find them on their carpet and could never tell if the dog had already eaten them or not. That’s the price I paid for quality, damnit.

19. Honest Fortune Cookies. Apparently fortune cookies are supposed to be a “fun” thing, and nobody wants to read things like “She has forgotten you” or “You’re too old for your dreams now.” In bed.

20. Candy Crutches, Candy Wheelchairs, and Candy Leg-Braces. I saw no reason to limit us to just candy canes when there’s so much other handicapped equipment. I didn’t start the insensitivity, I just ran with it to its logical end.

21. Zyklon-C, The Misanthropist’s Perfume. A repellent scent for people who dislike the company of others and don’t want to attract them. It worked, but nobody could stand to wear it. They found it more practical to just fart strategically.

22. Round Flags. I still think this is a good alternative to rectangular flags, but I can’t figure out what the flag pole would look like.

23. Teleportation Machine For Water. I almost got away with passing this off as a major scientific breakthrough until some BrainySmurf figured out I’d just put a humidifier and a dehumidifier on opposite sides of the room.

24. Hobby Horse Hobby Kit. I don’t believe that rocking back and forth on a wooden horse is really much of a “hobby” for anyone who isn’t a nitwit. So, I decided it would be more of a hobby to build wooden hobby horses. But the product confused people and they found it “too cerebral.”

25. Oregon Toast. I figured if a crap state like Texas can have its own toast, why not a state like Oregon? Instead of being big and garlicky, this toast would be small and damp and taste vaguely of herring. But I couldn’t get anyone to get behind this idea. Oregon is a damned ungrateful state if you ask me.


Now that we've done 25 of these things, I know what you're thinking. "Hey, Z, where's the flying cow?" Well, while writing the post, I decided that flying cows were a really bad idea. Look what birds do to your car! Do we really want a flying cow? No, I say! And that'd make 26 bad ideas... and I'd rather preserve my numerical integrity than try to come up with something about a flying cow.