The ultimate Christmas song & more movie reviews

Christmas songs just don't get any better or more true-to-the-spirit-of-the-season than this UK Subs classic:

Oi! Sing along, ya fuckin' buncha cunts, or I'll punch yer 'ead in!

Quite often I get a thinking
How as kids we got by
Like christmas time in our house
We couldn't even afford a fire

But we made do in our house
Back then when I was young
Dad used to suck a peppermint
And we'd all sit round his tongue

We couldn't afford no tinsel
On our christmas tree
So we'd just wheel old grandad in
And make the old cunt sneeze...atchoo

Wheel him round the other side granny...atchoo

Well things change so bloody fast
I got children now of me own
Now I heard 'em unwrap their presents
Last night when I got home

Santa claus you cunt
Where's my fucking bike
I've unwrapped all this other junk
There's nothing what i like

I've wrote you a letter
And i've come to see you twice
You geriatric wanker
Where's my fucking bike?

If i wanted a pair of fucking socks
I would've fucking asked
This cowboy suit and ping-pong set
You can stick right up your arse

You went and mucked my order up
It's enough to make you spew
It's not just me that's pissed off
My sister's cheesed off too

Santa claUs you cunt
Where's my fucking pram
You promised me you fucking cunt
You know who I am

'Cos I'm the little girl
You made sit right on your hand
Never mind your ho ho ho
Where's my fucking pram?

Next time i go to see him
I'm gonna punch him in the guts
Set his fucking reindeer loose
Kick rudolf in the nuts

Just you wait til next year
'Til we get to that store
A mate of my little sister
'll come stomping through that door

Hey mums and dads just check his breath
And watch his bloodshot eyes
Don't listen to him boys and girls
'Cos he tells fucking lies

He's a pisstake and a pervert
He's not even fucking bright
'Cos that fucking wanker
Forgot my fucking bike

Hey santa claus you cunt
Where's my fucking bike
I've unwrapped all this other junk
There's nothing what I like

I wrote you a fucking letter
And I came to see you twice
You geriatric wanker
Forgot my fucking bike

Yeah I'm gonna tell my dad on you
Fucking punch your head in....cunt
I saw mummy sucking santa

I also find this very Xmasy for no reason that any sane person could decipher:

Hey, Santa... are you going to liberate us from male white corporate oppression?

My cat would look like that if I did a bit o' shavin'. And I've got two weeks off to get bored enough to try it. I wanna. I think so.

I don't always like Sonic Youth, but that is a song that can do no wrong, budreaux. Kim Gordon, Chuck D, that naaaaaaasty guitar tone and maddening riff, it's all there. Don't fight it.

Now, 'cuz I know I gotta dance with the one what brung me even though I'd rather YouTube wank my way through the whole thing, here's some movie reviews. Read 'em or I'll punch yer 'ead in!


Bloodbath in the House of Knives (C, 2009) Terrible shot-on-video homejob horror that's being compared to Argento's movies for some unfathomable reason. A girl named Ivy is being stalked by a lunatic wearing a "comedy" theater mask. He leaves her pretentious whispered messages on her phone and kills several of her friends. The killings are inept but mean-spirited and misogynistic; one girl's repeatedly stabbed in the crotch (fortunately kept out of frame - who really wants to see shit like that?) and another gets pierced by skewers which are then ripped out, via weak gore effects. A detective is trying to catch the killer without a lot of luck. The acting is the only thing worse than the directing; when Troma's Lloyd Kaufmann puts in the best performance in a film you've got a real dog on your hands. The director may have been shooting for Argento's style but shows no understanding whatsoever of how Argento works. In fact, he doesn't even seem to understand what's interesting. For instance, every time anyone in this film pours a beverage, we get a lingering close-up of it, as if it's significant. That's not style... that's autism. I do get the sense that the filmmakers were trying, and that made me want to work with the movie, but lord it's hard when something's this bad. It did manage to hold my interest more than some homemade video horror, but don't buy the "giallo" hype for a second.

Carved (The Slit-Mouthed Woman) (C, 2007) - aka Kuchisake-onna, The Slit-Mouthed Woman. Just when you thought it was safe to give up on Japanese horror, they deliver this ultra-creepy boundary-pushing film. An urban legend is spreading among Japanese children about a tall woman in a coat and surgical mask who appears in lonely spots to snatch children and cut their mouths from ear to ear with giant scissors, so they'll look like her. The slit-mouthed woman is apparently unkillable because she's a ghost who inhabits the bodies of mothers and uses them to do her killing/maiming... which makes it even more horrifying, since mothers may involuntarily be used to attack their own kids. A teacher teams up with the slit-mouthed-woman's son (she was a psychotic abusive mother in life) to try to stop her, but that proves no easy task, and a few children are subjected to her scissoring before they even get a chance to confront her. The child-abuse subject matter is strongly disturbing stuff to begin with (it's exploitative as hell, yet also sympathetic to the victims), and the woman is presented in a very grim manner, silent and ruthless. The gore isn't pervasive but since children are the targets of most of it it's still tough to watch. The movie's a variation on A Nightmare on Elm Street in a way, but more morbid and ultra-dark.

Dark Night of the Scarecrow (C, 1981) One of the highest-regarded made-for-TV horror movies. In a farming community, a little girl is saved from a dog attack by her friend, a retarded man named Bubba. Four redneck vigilantes, led by pedophile-tendencied postmaster Charles Durning (who does a great job of being detestable) jump to the wrong conclusion and gun Bubba down while he tries to hide from them by dressing as a scarecrow. Soon afterward the men who killed Bubba start finding a scarecrow in their fields before they die in apparent "accidents," such as gas-leak explosions, grain-silo suffocations, and falls into woodchippers. They think the district attorney, Bubba's mother, or Bubba's little friend may be behind the attacks, but the truth may be more supernatural than that. It's pretty straightforward and simple but nicely done, with plenty of atmosphere and restraint that suggests more than it shows. This was a Halloween-week event directed by Frank DeFelitta, who wrote Audrey Rose.

Whole movie starting here:

Redeemer, The (C, 1978) aka Class Reunion Massacre, The Redeemer: Son of Satan. Oddball cheapo slasher flick with a Christian bent. A kid comes out of a lake and refuses to laugh at dirty jokes the other boys in his choir tell. Then there's a reunion of the class of 1967, which appears to be made up mostly of bitches, prissy jerks, and other unlikeables. They meet at their old high school and get locked in and stalked by a killer who uses disguises to trick them (and a skull mask and Grim Reaper gear to scare them) and kills in sometimes bizarre ways (such as a puppet that uses a flamethrower, or swords that fall from the ceiling, or drowning a girl in a sink while dressed as a clown). The killer is a minister who's possessed by a second thumb he has, and he's trying to redeem himself and his old classmates by killing them for their sins. The backstory doesn't make a whole lot of sense (double thumbs are tough to explain under the best of circumstances) and suggests that the killer may be doing God's work. Very strange and pretty clumsily-handled but interesting, and has a few elements that may have inspired the Saw films (especially that puppet). The gore effects aren't splashy but they're decent.

Obligatory plug for my Twitter feed of endless stupidity and personal debasement which you can follow and expand your happiness in ways you never dreamed. Or, at least you can pad my follower-list until the teevee gives me my own show like that ShitMyDadSays fella. Yeahbuddy.

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