Notes Scrawled on My Rosters to Help Me Remember Student Names

Yep. That's what this is. And they almost all refer to white dudes, because there's so damn many of them, and so many of them are named Jason or Justin or Matthew or Micah or Caleb, that I need notes to match faces with names.

Caterpillar brows
Sleepy Michelle Obama
Looks smooth
Dave Grohl as a nerd
Michael Cera, black hair
Bill Paxton
Gay Paul Dano
Son of The Edge and Josh Brolin
Steve Nieve
Raising Arizona escapee
Eye problem
Owen Wilson
Skinny jeans
Dirty Sandra Bullock
Gene Wilder
Buzz ruddy
Like Michael Phelps
Casey Affleck
Brad Paisley
Young Dwight Schrute
Dude from gum ad
Carrey’s pal in The Truman Show
Nerd, glasses
Thin blonde Andy Garcia
Cable Guy
Rivers Cuomo + Ben Gibbard
Thin Anthony Edwards
That hair
Nephew Jason
Neck hair
Coal miner
John Belushi + Artie Lange
Big baby
Martin Short + Thom Yorke


  1. Hahahhhaahahaahaa!!! Questions: re: 'looks smooth'-Like freshly-burnt skin-sloughing-off or has a way with the ladies?

    And 'dirty sandra bullock'- 'zat more of an unwasht or up for the anal? Either way, kinda sexy.

    And 'drunk?'... that's just as excellent as 'buzz' + his alternate 'buzz ruddy' (which'd make a killer pornname...)

    Nice post!

  2. This cracked me up bad. :) I think if I went to your class and got to peek over your shoulder while you were calling roll, I probably wouldn't be able to breathe any more by the time you finished. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't make it past "Britpop" without hitting the floor. :)

    I do similar things... when I was still new at my job I made a list to help me remember who was who among my co-workers (now I just don't bother trying to match names to faces until they've been here 4 years or more, 'cuz the turnover rate is so high it's like being in 'Nam... you don't wanna learn the name of the fucking new guy 'cuz they'll just be gone in a couple months). Some of the things on the list were like Ernest Borgnine Woman, Post-Op Charles Bronson, The Goof, 14-year-old-hair-and-60-year-old-face, Do I Taste Piss?, The Tooth, Mr. Piggles, and Oughtta Be Named Larry. It's a handy, if sometimes cruel, way to remember people. I'm sure I'm "Vlad" to some... :)

  3. Yeah, "smooth" like flesh-colored chrome. And "dirty" like unwashed. Like, I could almost see earth-smudges on her. Fookin' gross.

    Jesus, Z, all those made me laugh out loud, esp. Do I Taste Piss? Damn! I always write mine in pencil so I can erase them once I learn the names -- I'm paranoid one of 'em's gonna see what I've written.