A Shopping List For The Damned

Recently I looked up a book by Joe The Plumber (a.k.a. Sam The Not-Plumber), mostly because I couldn't believe anyone had actually given such an ignorant human a contract to write a book. I didn't think there'd actually be a market out there waiting to hear what a turnip thinks. Anyway, while musing over the decline of our species, I noticed some funny things other Amazon users (who apparently found the whole thing as absurd as I did) had linked at the bottom of the page. Everything from a limp dildo (Well, you can say this much about this product: ya can't fuck wit' it! From looking at this I learned that Amazon sells sex toys... and people review them! My fave review for such a product was for an artificial vagina that got good reviews except a warning that it required a lot of cleanup and therefore wasn't good for "the masturbator on the go." And thus was born the best album title ever!), to a completely insane-looking thing I'm assured is a chair of some sort (which cracked me up because of twin reviews: "Huge Disappointment. Numbs the buttocks, June 15, 2009" and "Wonderful. Numbs the buttocks, September 19, 2009").

From this I started exploring the world of completely-fucked-up products on Amazon, and the crank reviews some really, really funny people have written for them.

The one that really started me on this quest was a bizarre device called The Guardian Angel, which is a sinister-looking acupuncture thing that promises to "promote organ regeneration." Some highlights from the reviews:

5.0 out of 5 stars Wait. Wait. Wait. Acupuncture?, August 24, 2009
By Everheart "I was born in the wagon of a trave... (Sunnydale, CA) - See all my reviews
This is an acupuncture device?

I've been using it totally wrong.

Even so - five stars!

This one gets major points just for coming up with the concept of a "harpsichord-related accident."

Should be quicker at re-generating organs, April 23, 2008
By NedMuffin (Cambridge, UK) - See all my reviews
Since losing my spleen in a shocking harpsichord-related accident, I have been searching for a product that would re-generate my lost organ.

Imagine my delight when I stumbled upon the Guardian Angel supplied by the world-famous Dr Yoo. Tears of joy ran down my face when I read in the Product Features that it would also relieve stress, fatigue and insomnia - all conditions suffered by the spleen-less.

So why only four stars? Well, it gets good marks for stimulating every single one of my hands 344 pressure points - yes, I have counted - and for being gold-plated.

Unfortunately, my spleen has not yet re-grown....although I do have a third eye forming in the middle of my head.

And the one about how it may have hatched is classic.

The whole funny-Amazon-review phenomenon's most famous entry is the Tuscan Whole Milk page. Why should a gallon of milk cost $70? And why would anyone buy milk on the internet? Read the nearly 1,200 reviews and find out! How can you not love stuff like this:

Saved My Baby's Life, July 20, 2006
By N. Strassner "Dairy Connaisseur" (Bermuda Triangle) - See all my reviews
The exact minute I got my milk, my baby's new face burst into flames. I used the gallon to extinguish my baby. Next time, I'll order 2 gallons. Thank you, milk. Thank YOU!

makes daddy happy, July 20, 2006
A Kid's Review
daddy hits mommy sumtimes. tuscan mlk makes daddy not do it. it is yumy to.

brian, age 7

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, February 1, 2010
By J. Walker "Milk Lawyer" - See all my reviews
This is by far the best "Milk" on the market. Just please, please don't ask how many Tuscans have to be milked to get a gallon, or which of their parts are actually being milked.

It came with child, November 23, 2009
By Mie Ishii "Russian Doll" - See all my reviews
To my great surprise, inside my gallon of Tuscan milk was a small orphan boy. Thank you so much! WILL BUY AGAIN!

Brilliant White Ceiling Paint, January 8, 2007
By N. Visable (Greenwich, NY USA) - See all my reviews
I have painted all the ceilings in my apartment with Tuscan Whole Milk - and they never looked better!

Only downside is the opening is just so damn small. You can only use a very very tiny brush. Please Tuscan, wide mouth jugs!

The second-most-famous most-mocked Amazon item kinda makes me feel bad, 'cuz I do have some T-shirts sorta like this, and now I gotta wonder if people think I'm some pathetic hick when I wear 'em. Hey, tee-shirts are the only kind of shirts I'll wear, and since I work in a fairly conventional place with some people who might actually be the market for Joe The Plumber's book, I can't wear my Abazagorath shirt to work, so I gotta compromise. Still, something about this particular shirt does seem to resonate with people. As one reviewer said, "You don't put this shirt on your torso you put it on your soul." And "When I wear this shirt as pants I can run to Canada in only 42 days." (One tip: the funniest stuff is the earliest stuff, before everybody else jumped on the bandwagon, so ya might wanna start with the oldest reviews and work your way backwards; just go by the numbers at the bottom, above the discussion board).

Who doesn't want their own personal tank to drive around? If a Hummer isn't enough to make your chickenshit coward pussy ass feel secure, this is the next logical step! The reviewers assure us it's a "great family battle tank!" although one warns that it's not durable enough and is "recommended only for use against Lithuanians."

I think you might be able to bulk up the formidability of your personal battle tank if you could make some atomic weapons, however. Luckily, Amazon also sells uranium ore! As one reviewer said, it's nice that you don't have to purchase the stuff from Lybians in mall parking lots anymore. One quality warning, though:

Great Product, Poor Packaging, May 14, 2009
By Patrick J. McGovern "Procrastinating Evil Sci... (Hollowed Out Volcano Lair) - See all my reviews
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

Used properly, the radioactive ore might be able to restore life to the fresh whole rabbit you can buy. The reviews warn ya, however, that it's "totally unsuitable for cuddling." Oh, I don't know about that... I've had worse...

After a great dinner of fresh rabbit and Tuscan whole milk, why not curl up with a good book? Here's one, Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!! Now, why possibly the most unfuckable woman on the globe (one reviewer noted she had a face "like a dropped meat pie") is preoccupied with birth control, I don't know, but there you have it, in all caps and filled with oddly-used punctuation. Be aware, however, that one reviewer says the book is written "in FORTRAN."

If you need more education, I refer you, once again, to How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?, which I understand has been retitled to Going Rogue.

Here's a good one to be seen reading on the bus, with your brow furrowed in concentration.

And where's the best place to read? In your own personal relaxation capsule, of course! Got $40,000?

It really works., October 26, 2005
By Sailoil (Dublin Ireland) - See all my reviews
One drawback, when it was delivered the capsule had no bolt on the outside. But I'm handy, so I installed one.

I have been locking the wife and kids into the chamber from 7pm to 7am every evening, and boy am I relaxed. This really works.

Here's something everybody needs - a holster to carry their poop-freezing products.

Nifty carrying case.., September 26, 2009
By Clark - See all my reviews
Not only a handy way to carry your Poop-Freeze, but an excellent way to tell the world that you freeze poop. Now if they could just come out with Poop Freeze T-Shirts....

And here's a great decoration for any child's room or nursing home.

I'm not entirely sure what this "Parent Child Testing Product" is, but it must be good 'cuz it's $10,000. For that, I expect you can be sure if your child's a parent, you'll soon know about it.

I'm assured that these are the best wind-up hopping lederhosen on the market today. And they're just the thing to go with your yodeling pickle, racing grannies, crazy cat lady action figures, Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu Action Figures and inflatable toast. Surround yourself with such items and you'll have a vague idea what most my dreams are like.

Here's some to start you out if you want to try your hand at writing your own funny reviews: The Poo Pen. While this looks nothing like A. A. Milne's beloved bear character, it may prove useful as a practice tool for improving your penmanship for those times you want to scrawl something in feces. Possibly the funniest thing there isn't one of the reviews, but Amazon's notice that the item constitutes a "choking hazard." Try putting that in your obituary!

And speaking of poop, this giant inflatable dog-mound is just beggin' for someone to comment on it. If you have neighbors who think your pink flamingos are ruining the neighborhood, here's the ultimate fuck-you to 'em. Or, under cover of night, inflate it on your neighbor's curb, walk your dog past their house, and when they look out, yell "Sorry!"

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