The Shaming Of The True, or, I Like The Hole The Baby Comes Out Of

Don't think too hard about the title, it doesn't mean anything, I just needed something to put there so I went with randominance. It was either that or What's Inside A Homonculus: or, All Flesh Is Gruel. Which is still better than Heed Ye The Chatterings Of The Monkey-Priest; or, A Serenade of Bean Music.

Oi loike madness! Es tasty!

I’m kinda bleh at the moment ‘cuz I’ve had kinda a Guantanamo-style weekend and I‘m pretty sure an MRI would show my spine looking like a flute full of bubblegum, so this probably won’t be much of a blog ‘cuz I don‘t wanna sit here long. Horizontal sounds really good right now. I didn’t wanna break the habit, though, because my laziness is of a cumulative nature, and once I do that, the snowball’s going down the hill and destruction doth reign.

I found another YouTuber I’m addicted to. I honestly don’t seek out pretty 20-year-old girls there (I’m too freakin’ old for ‘em) but somehow that’s how it works out. I’m still checking out Cutiemish but she’s putting most of her vids on her own website instead of YouTube, probably to avoid all the “sit on my face!” comments that the jerks there live to put up. Anyway, she’s still recommended, especially if you’re ever feeling bummed out; it’s impossible to watch that adorable goofus and not feel happier. It’s like listening to the Ramones. If you don't like Cutiemish, you don't like ice cream or puppies or kittens. Anyway, the new girl I found is also gorgeous, but that’s not why I like her (it’s not why I like Mishy, either, although it doesn’t hurt in either case). This girl, Laci Green, is an atheist, and she’s super-smart. She’s been in college since she was 15, and even though she’s only 19 now she expresses herself better than most adults. Unless you’re a theist of some sort and don’t feel like sitting through the rhetoric (which I could understand if you didn't - it definitely appeals only to a like-minded audience, and otherwise it'd probably be a pain in the ass), check this out, it’s pretty amazing.

She gets a lot of intelligent replies (on either side of the issue) but it makes me misanthro-pissed that idiots will reply to things like that with “Tits or get the fuck out!” I don't get trolls.

One thing ya’ll might want to be prepping for, if you want to participate, is an upcoming NaNoWriMo. The official one is in November, but screw that: at work we came up with our own “NaNoWriMoSouth” thing, which is in July. Dunno if they’re doin’ it at work this year again, but I think I will, regardless of what they do (punk rock!), and if I can drag any of ya’ll into this hell with me, I will! What it entails is, you’ve got to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. Starts July 1st, so start coming up with yer plots and characters… or your lame excuses. I’ve done this for the past two years, and I’ll admit that it’s only satisfying in the aftermath. During the month it’s pretty much a-much-much-much-wimpier-version-of-Navy-SEAL-training. You won’t get to do much else and will get interesting new forms of carpal tunnel, but afterward you get major bragging rights! If you can find anybody who‘s actually impressed with such activities, that is, which admittedly isn‘t easy in a world where people are often proud of not even reading books, much less writing them. Mostly it’s a discipline exercise, and a way to test your iron will against your own pitiable laziness. I completed it in 2007, turning out the zombies-in-the-storm-drain gorefest - Signal 30 - (which I’ve previously discussed/disgust). Last year I failed with Steve’s Trailer, but I did finally finish the novel when I un-lazied myself for a couple of hours about a month ago, and that’s the main thing that counts, I think. So, this is yer head’s up, kids. Be thinking on it. I think I’ve already got a plot brewing in my head, and lord, is it ugly! It's kinda a Deliverance meets Lord of the Flies with LSD-birth-defect-inbreeding thrown in. In other words, lit-er-a-toor, yeah-huh buddy, you know it! I'm gonna try to work in a scene were somebody masturbates in public with a baby's head, as a homage to Henry James!

Oh, wait, I already did that in Death Metal Creeps, sorta. Oops.

Also I finally scored another rare horror flick I’ve been looking for for years, so the review of that will be below, so there’ll at least be something somewhat substance-like in this post.

Blood And Lace (C, 1971) A young lady named Ellie has dreams about a hammer murderer who killed her mother. Detective Vic Tayback takes an interest in her (and not an entirely wholesome one) and wants to protect her since she could identify the killer and therefore might become his next target. Ellie moves into an orphanage (even though she looks like she’s in her 20’s, but then so do all the other “orphans”), little knowing that the people who run it are crazy and have been murdering their charges and keeping their corpses in a freezer. There’s also a golem-looking zombie guy lurking around, girls chained up in the attic, and mental illness in general. The film’s very cheap and stuck with a music score that’s about 40 years out of date, but it maintains a twisted atmosphere and is pretty darn effective overall. It’s also incredible that this movie got a PG rating, given the graphic nature of some of the violence and the psychotic, sadistic themes. The surprise ending is freaky and ridiculous, but has some disturbing implications. Hard to find, but a DVD-R is available from Midnight Video, and it looks great.

Here, watch the trailer:

Oh, and I finally got to see Norma Rae, inspired by Kicker Of Elves’s review several weeks back (write some more of those!) - he was absolutely right about this movie, I dug it big-time. So make that two thumbs up, definitely something worth seeking out.

Also, one last thing to leave you with, just because I tripped across it on YouTube… a video from Celtic Frost’s horrible, ill-fated flirtation with poser-metal… the infamous Cold Lake album, which it is forbidden to speak of! God, that album was some doodoo. This song, however, actually kicks ass (and is pretty much the only thing on that record that does). But only if you listen to it without the hilariously bad poofy-hair video, which is funnier than a ventriloquist in a morgue. I remember when this first showed up on MTV, and my Hellhammer-crazy self getting extremely disoriented. Surely these thalidomide poodles couldn’t be from the same gene pool as the mighty creators of such songs as "Necromantical Screams" and "Circle of the Tyrants?" Yep. And it’s got fretboard-cam, stoopidt drummer tricks, and everything! Feel the shame as you fall in love with this massive riff as you watch guys with hair that's been teased like a fourth-grader with an Urkel lunchbox make goo-goo eyes at you and stab at the camera with their gee-tars, and "rock" into each other wearing strappy pants.

And is anybody waiting the Anvil documentary as anxiously as I am? I actually liked this band, but I can see how this is gonna be a for-real Spinal Tap. Can't wait!

"It's so unfair to Anvil, it's so unfair to Anvil..." But seriously, does cheese get any more lovable than this?

Man, I've just figured out this isn't even a blog post, it's just an episode of "Let's watch YouTube with Zwolf." Sorry, guys.

No comments:

Post a Comment